Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

I disagree. Part of the responsibility of bringing up children is ensuring that you don't become a millstone around their neck when they are trying to make their own way in the world. To do this involves making careful plans for your own old age care, and making it very clear to your adult children through your words and actions that you have done so, so that the relationship is maintained out of love and not duty.

Perhaps part of all that means that you as the elderly parent upend your own life to live closer to your adult childen to make it easier to maintain that relationship with you if they have their own demanding jobs or a partner and live many miles away, or even in another country.

If you're not prepared to plan and be flexible about your living arrangements in your old age then don't moan that you hardly see your adult children.

The stress on adult children arises when the elderly person absolutely refuses to change their life in any way, making it very difficult for relatives, who may well WANT to help in practical ways, to do so easily.

My mum and dad were both born when their parents were aged 42/43 ish. They both lost their dads in their 30s but didn't lose their mums until they were 49 and 51. As I approach that age myself I realise it's actually quite young to have lost both parents. But the advantage for my parents was that their 50s onwards have been their time - no elderly parents to worry about, and me and my siblings were already adults. In contrast, they have friends whose retirement years have been dominated by care of elderly parents. So there's pluses and minuses.

Depends on your situation. People used to have children at this age quite regularly, given the lack of contraception. Children also died regularly so I guess it wasn't quite the same calculation it is now, where we only think about parents dying when children are still under 30. Used to be quite normal. My husband was 43 when we had our last unintended baby. But given life expectancy is now 82, doesn't really seem that unreasonable.

Also adding that my DC will be losing the last two of their grandparents this year. That's another gem I've saddled them with by deferring having children until my late 30s.

People do bat an eye when the father is older. However, it's not the father who has to take the risks of an advanced age pregnancy.

Rubbish. I couldn’t have children but have plenty of joy in my life!

I had my 2nd dc at 42 and while she is my absolute world, I now realise conceiving her was my last hormonal hurrah before my ovaries gave up the ghost So I would say at 45 you are looking headlong at peri and menopause and nobody knows how that will go for them. 45 and 50 you are likely still in the fag end of youth imo and can do anything in the world. 55+ however can be a whole different story.

It’s not really just about your expectations though it’s also about the child and their feelings. My parents would never “expect” me to care for them but if I knew they were struggling, getting older, health issues etc then I wouldn’t have been happy to, for example, move away for uni or go travelling, I’d have wanted to be with them while they were still here and help them however I could.

Even normal teenage things like nights out, if I lived with my mum in her 60’s I probably wouldn’t have wanted to go out and come home at 2am, if I could see her starting to struggle with things I’d have felt guilty about leaving or going about my own life because I’d have felt I had to help her, I’d be making very different choices if I thought she needed me, even if she never explicitly said she did.

No, they don't regret it. They tried for 20 years to have kids and the late IVF was successful due to medical advances.

Menopause and cancer have just made parenting very tough and not the experience they hoped for.

It's just quite tough for my cousins to have older parents who are finding it exhausting. They do have a large bank balance though so the boys don't want for anything, but that's obviously not a substitute for time/attention. My uncle is often abroad on business due to the nature of his well paid job.

I just worry about what will happen if the cancer treatment isn't successful.

What happens to childless couples, then? Are they just left to rot in the gutter?

I wouldn’t like to say whether 45 is too old to have a baby but I would like to say that I am utterly mystified the number of people who say they are exhausted in their 40s and would be far too tired to parent a teenager in their 60s. Why? I am 63 and could cope fine with a teenager. I was certainly fitter and more energetic in my 50s than I had ever been. Not just me but everyone else I know. There are perhaps lots of reasons not to have a child after your mid 40s but none of them to do with being physically incapable. Honestly, if you feel exhausted in your 40s and 50s start eating and properly!

In my family the average onset of menopause was 60...I'm 47 and absolutely no sign of dropping fertility, so it's not a one size fits all.

You'd be starting to think of retirement when they're 18 or so. You'd be quite old for navigating all the horrible parts when kids start pushing the boundaries. And for your kids, you'll be one of the oldest parents out of all parents of their peer group. As much as they would love you, you won't be down with the kids on the block by then. You'll be worrying about your pension, grey hairs and getting into those comfy elastic- waisted slacks. Not cool. Sozzle OP, just my view on it.

Lots of things can bring joy if you're prepared to find them. You don't have spout some nonsense.

It’s the opposite with me.

My mum decided to move closer to me, probably for the same reasons you gave, and it’s just made it worse. Now that she’s closer she expects me to be even more “on hand” than I was before, and experts to see me a lot more because there is no reason not to anymore, i.e the issue of distance no longer exists.

This feeling of being “needed” and being responsible for my mother’s well-being just weighs heavy on me sometimes, and I imagine it would be so much worse if I was only 20 and having to navigate this kind of scenario.

I am the child of a 45year old mother. Lost my dad tragically a couple of years later and spent my childhood worrying about my mother’s health. My children never had a real relationship with my mum due to age and ill health. She died when they were young. I would never have a child at this age.

I had DS at 44. He wasn't planned - he's now 14 and I'll be 59 this year. I don't regret having him, and in my case it meant having the best of both worlds, but I realise that it's not the same for everyone. Having said that, I wouldn't have planned to have a baby at 44. But what I will say is that I am in a much better place than I was in my 20s and 30s. I feel much better equipped to deal with my son's teen angst at my age now, than I would have in my 30s and 40s even. I am definitely more self-assured and self-confident. Funnily enough, I seem to be the mum that his friends come to with their problems. I don't beat myself up over the fact that I'm an older mother, I just make the most of it. There are positives and negatives in parenting at all ages.

Nothing will give you so much joy as a baby! My great-grandmother had her seventh baby (two died in infancy) in abject poverty in Germany, at 52. No social help, no washing machines, no disposable nappies, no maternity leave, no women's rights. Just saying.

Did she aye?

Oooh ouch.
I actually know several people who have teenagers and are in their 60s. All of them are brilliant parents and the kids are flourishing.
Getting sick of the ageism on this site.

I think it is but I know a few people who had, 2 friends and one colleague

I imagine that elderly people who need help but don’t have any children or other relatives to provide support or assistance with their daily living needs, probably end up being referred to Social Care.

I doubt they end up living in gutters.

And did she have a choice? Did she have a rich and fulfilled life washing nappies by hand and worrying that her children would be malnourished, or did she have a stressful life with a lot of struggle and suffering?

My great-great grandma had 23 babies, but I’m damn sure she wouldn’t have had all of them from choice. And besides, it’s completely irrelevant how many babies our great grandmas had, to whether this poster makes an informed choice one way or the other.

Our youngest is 15 and my husband is 60. We're doing just fine, thank you.

A close female relative waited until she was early 40’s before TTC as she had concentrated on her career first. Her DH was older again, sadly they lost their first during later pregnancy, their consultant couldn’t rule out age as being a factor.
They tried again and have a beautiful toddler, and he is much loved and cherished.
I had my first when I was in my late twenties and my final one in my mid thirties and I noticed a difference in my energy levels when running around after them at the toddler stage.
I personally wouldn’t at 45, but depending on what support you have around, some relish motherhood in their mid 40’s.
I would have a look at why you think there is a hole in your life that needs to be filled. I found motherhood sometimes to be exhausting and sometimes isolating.
Another child doesn’t tend to be a fixer of situations, they can actually make things harder and your 14 year old probably won’t enjoy having a much younger sibling.

You've managed thus far OP, I would concentrate on the positives of your childfree life (more income, much more freedom, WEEKENDS, grown-up holidays, grown-up everything for that matter) and just chalk it up to one of those things you didn't do. There are lots of ways to be a fantastic influence in a child's life short of having a child yourself, after all.

In short, yes. I think 45 is too old to get started on this. You might well find that you don't just get pregnant AT 45, you'll be at least 46 by the time a baby arrives, your pregnancy will statistically be far more prone to risk to you and your baby's outcomes, and you'll not just bounce back after pregnancy and labour. That's just the start. You then have to get used to a tiny dictatorial presence in your life, something I assume you've never had to accommodate before, and you will be SO TIRED. And yes, by the time you have a stroppy teenager you'll be knocking 60. Who needs that?!