Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

My mum is this age. I don't feel obliged. I like to help her out because it feels good and I am settled. I wouldn't have done this my twenties and my mum wouldn't have accepted any form of help. Even now she doesn't like doing too much for her or me giving money - she tells me I need to focus on my future. Perhaps your mum relies on you more because she had you young. Woman who have children young may not have time to develop themself or carve an identity outside of their children.

Yes. I do think it’s too old to be brutally honest.

Oh I understand that, I’m just saying that it’s a gamble.

OP has no idea what her health will be like when she’s 60-70 and how that will impact on her late teen.

If it’s a gamble she wants to take then that’s fine, but she has to take into account the higher likelihood of her child having to take on caring responsibilities if she has a baby in her mid-late 40s.

I know that any parent can get ill at any age and for any reason so there is no guarantee of anything, but at the most basic of levels, the older you are when you have a child, the more likely it is that they’ll have to take on age-related caring responsibilities as you get older whilst they are still relatively young.

Trying to, thanks.

It is alot op age wise. My friends boy was autistic. Family life changed alot. Found my energy low at 45

I would never allow my child to look after irrespective of what age I had my children. I wouldn't put that burden on them.

Honestly Op i think it's bonkers to consider it. You have a teen. The second child boat has sailed.

If you really feel you want another child, you could consider fostering a tween.

The other thing to consider is many men would be put off by having children in their 40s

My parents had me in their early 40s, both were dead by the time I was in my late 20s, so yes it's too old.

She had me when she was 26, which back in the 1980s was probably quite normal?

She has always lived very independently, has never crowded me or my sister etc, but when she hit 60 things changed and she depends on us now in a way that she never had before. Part of me wishes she would find herself a partner so she could have companionship and happiness and wouldn’t be so reliant on me, but it won’t happen. She’s hard work 😬

And how are you going to navigate that when you have dementia or general frailty kicks in.

@Meadowfinch you are obviously in a good financial position if going to fund uni, which can make a difference as well if planning to have a baby in your forties so can afford funding a teenager in your 60s

People in their 60s are very different.

My mum has arthritis, needed to have knee replacement surgery and walks like an 80 year old woman.

Whereas a mum of an old classmate of mine , around the same age as mine, still cycles around the village like a 20 year old..

But it’s not about what you “allow” - it’s about how your children feel….and what they feel they should do.

No child who has been bought up right is going to turn their back on their elderly parent just because the parent tells them to. It just doesn’t happen.

A healthy parent-child relationship will usually result in the child wanting to look out for their parent, especially as they get older, because they love their parent and would never want to see them struggle or suffer in any way.

By having a child at an older age, it means you are putting your child in the position of having to face this reality when they are generally much younger.

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 45. Unfortunately it didn't work out due to a very rare complication that was random bad luck - not age related. The baby was genetically completely normal (a full screen was done).

It's been hard to process - I would do anything to have that specific baby back but don't think I would try for another one (I'm still 45).

You missed out the trauma of a previous( relatively) DV relationship and an elderly and unwell parent of her own. No partner even remotely in view…..

Kittens are nice.

My dad was 50 when I was born, my mum 38. I’ve never been diagnosed with autism or ADHD but do tick a lot of the boxes. My DH is 11 years older than me, we gave up ttc when I was 40 as was told I had premature ovarian failure, or primary ovarian insufficiency as it is now called. I didn’t know then about the older fathers- autism link but I do now, and I’m actually relieved I didn’t have a surprise late pregnancy as I think the likelihood of our child having special needs was not insignificant.

Not sure I"d want to be dealing you stroppy teenagers at 60, or doing the uni runs and late night pick ups at 65. Those would be worse than the sleepless nights at the start. Also I'm not sure I'd have the energy to look after a disabled child, which is more likely at 45.

I’m 47 and I would not want to be caring for a 2yo (or, frankly, a 4yo). I’m fit and active but very much more aware of higher levels of aches and pains than even 5 years ago, being more introverted, more tired, and really enjoying the freedom to pursue my own hobbies and interests. Perimenopause is a real thing and at 42 I didn’t realise the effect it would have on me.

I also can’t imagine wanting or being able to meet the needs of a teenager in my 60s.

Then there is the question of health expectancy- I have known fit and well 60yo who were dead at 66. Sorry to be blunt, but that’s a factor. It’s always horrible when we lose people we love, but losing a parent has got to be worse if you’re 21 than if you’re 31 or 41.

Then there are the higher risks of having a child with additional needs, a more difficult/higher risk pregnancy and birth, plus the impact on your existing child and your relationship with them.

So overall I would say count your blessings and get a kitten, or an allotment, or something else to fill the hole you perceive in your life; and don’t try for a baby.

Nothing will give you so much joy as a baby! My great-grandmother had her seventh baby (two died in infancy) in abject poverty in Germany, at 52. No social help, no washing machines, no disposable nappies, no maternity leave, no women's rights. Just saying.

That is so true. My mum was a home help in later life, after years as a bookkeeper. She didn't drive and walked between clients' houses. She only stopped working at 74 when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Some of the so-called elderly people she was caring for were younger than her. Genetics, lifestyle and plain old luck all play their part.

OP I think this is really subjective, in relation to your free time, energy levels, youthfulness. I am 39 with a 3&1 year old and I’m honestly exhausted all the time. I didn’t meet my husband in time to have children much earlier than we did but I couldn’t fathom having a baby at almost 40 because I know for me I just do not have the energy. However I have friends who are still having children at 40ish because they know they have time and energy to commit to those first difficult years. Very best of luck whatever you chose.

Too old.
I'm 29 and already thinking I've left too much of a gap to have another one, already have a 4 year old.
School run is knackering, we never have any time or money, no lie ins anymore and both of us working.
Combined with general life stresses and ds and dh health issues, no chance of coping with another.
I love my son but I think having one in your 40s would be a nightmare, not to mention being surrounded by all the young mums on the school run, they would think you are a granny.

Perhaps you could fill that "hole" with really wonderful things that will nurture and delight you in the way you imagine a baby will.

Get a puppy instead!

I conceived at 41. I would have been just turned 42 when baby born. Due to my age I came out as ‘high risk’ for Down’s syndrome at the 12 week scan ( babies NT measurement well within range ) But back then there was no nipty or anything so it was invasive testing or nothing if you wanted to know for sure
I had the CVS test and sadly miscarried approximately a week later. Doctors said they’ll never know for sure if CVS caused the miscarriage but if it did I was just the unlucky one. Baby didn’t have Down’s syndrome.
it’s a decision I’ll regret for the rest of my life.