To tell woman about her partner's kinks?

[frogmella123]

She is a distant acquaintance, I know him better. They had a brief relationship (him on the rebound) and she is now pregnant.
So they got "together", not living together or even in the same county, but in some sort of situationship.
But I know he is into swinging and sex clubs. She doesn't know. He hasn't told her.
I know it's really not any of my business and I should probably leave it well alone. I don't really want to get involved, except I can't shake the feeling that if it were me or were happening to a close friend then i'd want to know. She is basing a relationship and that of their unborn child on lies. She thinks he's faithful and monogamous.
I don't judge him for how he wants to live his life or get his kicks, but i do judge him for leading this woman up the garden path.
AIBU to say something?

YABU = Stay out of it
YANBU = She deserves to know

Why doesn't he need to tell her?

@frogmella123 tell her but do it anonymously if you can, I.e: anonymous note through her letterbox if they aren't living together. You're right, she has a right to know, and not to spend years living a lie and then have to radically change and rebuild her life when she finds out

He'll know it's her - don't be sneaky just be straight and tell him you're going to tell and then do it

It sounds like she's abroad (?)

I'd tell her via whatever means.

It could be anonymously but he'll guess it's you.

When she challenges him, he'll say it's you and you're lying and it's because you're jealous, hung up on him, spiteful, have mental health issues etc.

(You see it's ironic how much cheating mens lines and bitchy, misogynist womens lines, as illustrated on here, overlap).

She may believe him but you'll have done what you could.

Your friendship with him will probably be over but it should be anyway, because he's not a decent person. Focus on making some better friends to replace him.

If you were the woman in question wouldn't you want to know?

You are very defensive about the man's behaviour.

For the love of God, why do women always get painted as jealous, as if we're shallow, one dementinal creatures that only ever have one possible motivation for anything? It's pathetic and misogynistic. Some of us actually care about others, especially unborn children being put at risk of an STD.

You wouldn't want to know your unborn child is being put at risk of an STD? REALLY?

So you'd rather keep shaggy!ing a man who may have stds to pass onto unborn baby?

So he's still having sex with others and you believe she doesn't know? Your OP wasn't clear as it sounded like it may have been in the past.

It's trickier as you only know her vaguely. However she is pregnant so I am leaning towards 'tell her'. Not anonymously. Ask to meet or call, tell her what you know. Make clear you're not interested in stirring and it won't go any further but you care about her and the baby's health. I would be honest with your friend too.

Don't send an anonymous note. Coward's way out and easily denied.

And tbh if he is actively swinging, the pregnant lady doesn't know..that could have serious health implications. She can't make an educated judgement surrounding the safety of the unborn baby. She can't even know to use condoms..

I agree. And it says more about the people who don’t understand than it does about OP.

Another of MN finest here, with the accusations of being jealous, malicious and wanting to stir the pot or cause drama. Instead they could just be genuinely concerned about the lives of the woman and unborn baby.

I find it strange too how quickly some folk jump to 'jealousy' as an explanation to almost anything. Cheating partner of an oblivious pregnant woman (as far as known), partaking in swinging? What is there to be jealous of? Many moral questions re whether to disclose but why jealousy?

Jealousy gets suggested in the most bizarre situations on here. Someone appears not to like you? They’re just jealous. You’re a SAHM? They’re just jealous. Someone doesn’t befriend you in the playground? They’re just jealous. Unemployed? They’re jealous of your free time. You’ve got a serious illness? They’re just jealous of all the attention you’re getting.

I think my reluctance to intervene in this situation would be in part because it doesn’t sound as if this woman is continuing her pregnancy with the idea that they’re a couple who are going to raise the baby together. The pregnancy was presumably accidental, they don’t live together, or even close to one another geographically.

Would i tell my ex husband new gf he likes stocking and dress up and wont have sex without them as doesn't feel your making much effort otherwise usually around 1 year in this shit comes out. Err no i don't bloody care i don't talk to him dont want to and we have been split 3 years and not talked once aside from mediation. I'd rather him be happy and let me focus on my own life. I think you still like him or are jealous. Let it go

You’re not going to come across as the super honest girls girl that you think you are.

What are you on about? Your ex's peccadillos have nothing to do with the potential risk of this woman's baby being at risk of being affected by an STD.

Yet another unfounded accusation of jealousy here as well.

Thank you for all your input.
Just to clarify, they are both in UK but different counties (1hr drive distance). As far as I'm aware - from him - she thinks they are exclusive and she will only entertain the idea of monogamy. They are both in their 40s, both with late teen/adult children. This is not their first rodeo.
He and ex-wife had an open relationship and marriage broke down for other reasons.

We have been friends and confidents for many years, but there is no jealousy here. I have a very happy LTR, and friend & I are absolutely not each other's "type". Through all this I've seen another side to him, and I'm just not comfortable with the lying and the involvement of a new life.

I guess in her 40’s she will be high risk last chance of pregnancy so will want the baby no matter what. She needs to know as she might be planning a cosy family life with him in her head. I’d drop a few hints, she may know already

I'd tell her.

If he is still swinging/cheating on her and she doesn't know, I think she has a right to know. If nothing else, an STD in pregnancy might be dangerous to the baby as well. I don't think you're being ghoulish.

If I were the other woman, I'd want to know.

There is nothing to tell. You need to mind your own business.

I just said I wouldn't want to know FFS

I usually agree with your posts but WTAF.

A pregnant woman thinks she's in a monogamous relationship with a man who's actually a swinger and who won't be honest with her about that

They're presumably having unprotected sex, since she got pregnant.

A pregnant woman and an unborn child are at risk of STDs and the pregnant woman is

• having informed consent for sex taken from her

• her agency in her relationship & life taken from her

• she's in line for trauma when she finds out a relationship she thought was monogamous and got pregnant within is not .....

And there's nothing to tell????

No, the op should most definitely not mind her own business. She should tell her if she feels up to it.

Skanky balls swinger & liar (who should have gotten a vasectomy) will no doubt fall out with her ...... Big loss

My prediction is that he'll lie and slander you to her op, but you'll have done what you can.