Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell woman about her partner's kinks?

160 replies

frogmella123 · 08/02/2025 22:33

She is a distant acquaintance, I know him better. They had a brief relationship (him on the rebound) and she is now pregnant.
So they got "together", not living together or even in the same county, but in some sort of situationship.
But I know he is into swinging and sex clubs. She doesn't know. He hasn't told her.
I know it's really not any of my business and I should probably leave it well alone. I don't really want to get involved, except I can't shake the feeling that if it were me or were happening to a close friend then i'd want to know. She is basing a relationship and that of their unborn child on lies. She thinks he's faithful and monogamous.
I don't judge him for how he wants to live his life or get his kicks, but i do judge him for leading this woman up the garden path.
AIBU to say something?

YABU = Stay out of it
YANBU = She deserves to know

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 08/02/2025 23:37

If your relationship with him is screwed anyway then I would definitely tell her.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 08/02/2025 23:42

The fact that you obviously know him well, and have told him he should own up to her, and he's refused, then I think in your shoes I would tell her. At least then she can get herself checked out, and while you haven't said how far along the pregnancy is, there may still be time for her to terminate, if she decides that's what she wants, once she knows what the father of her child is really like.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 00:26

If he's an active swinger then he'll be getting checked for STIs regularly (I'd hope!)

It doesn't sound like they're in an actual relationship, you call it a "situationship" and they aren't even in the same country. It's likely it will just fizzle out and become a convenience for the baby.

Keep out or you're going to just be stirring the pot

PixelatedLunchbox · 09/02/2025 00:45

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 00:26

If he's an active swinger then he'll be getting checked for STIs regularly (I'd hope!)

It doesn't sound like they're in an actual relationship, you call it a "situationship" and they aren't even in the same country. It's likely it will just fizzle out and become a convenience for the baby.

Keep out or you're going to just be stirring the pot

No, he won't, not if he's like the swingers I know that think condoms protect you from everything and don't have a clue about getting STIs from oral sex. And he'll be passing on herpes and possibly HPV and god knows that else. And he's cheating. Jesus. Wouldn't you want to know if it was you?? The whole "not my circus not my monkey" clan make me ill.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/02/2025 00:56

Hope to goodness she lives in a country that automatically does extensive STD testing in pregnant women, or there could be some very nasty surprises for the baby.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 01:46

PixelatedLunchbox · 09/02/2025 00:45

No, he won't, not if he's like the swingers I know that think condoms protect you from everything and don't have a clue about getting STIs from oral sex. And he'll be passing on herpes and possibly HPV and god knows that else. And he's cheating. Jesus. Wouldn't you want to know if it was you?? The whole "not my circus not my monkey" clan make me ill.

Show quote history

No
I wouldn't want someone else sticking their nose in my business
Interfering busybodies who think they know best make me sick

NiftyKoala · 09/02/2025 04:02

I think your really really REALLY want to get involved.

Klovos · 09/02/2025 04:18

Stay in your lane

LordEmsworth · 09/02/2025 05:04

I've always been "tolerant" of his lifestyle choices

How exactly is his sex life something you need to be tolerant of? How does it affect you, exactly?

CurlewKate · 09/02/2025 05:30

Tell her.

Thelionthewitchandthesofa · 09/02/2025 05:40

LordEmsworth · 09/02/2025 05:04

I've always been "tolerant" of his lifestyle choices

How exactly is his sex life something you need to be tolerant of? How does it affect you, exactly?

That's what I'm wondering !

Lyannaa · 09/02/2025 05:40

Well sooner or later, she'll find out what he's into and at that point it will be up to her what happens now.

I don't think you should get involved. Just because he's into group sex that doesn't make him a bad person, or a criminal.

Thelionthewitchandthesofa · 09/02/2025 05:52

Lyannaa · 09/02/2025 05:40

Well sooner or later, she'll find out what he's into and at that point it will be up to her what happens now.

I don't think you should get involved. Just because he's into group sex that doesn't make him a bad person, or a criminal.

I agree.

This is just another version of the old-age dilemma "my-friend's-husband-is-cheating-shall-I-tell-her?"

You're "damned if you do and damned if you don't".

Personally I'd stay out of it and limit your contact with this person.

user1492757084 · 09/02/2025 05:57

I would inform her that, in consideration of her unborn child, there is good reason to ask her doctor to screen her for STIs.
I would tell your male friend that you have told her.

I would then leave well alone.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 09/02/2025 05:59

She might be into it too.

Zanatdy · 09/02/2025 06:13

He won’t be your friend for much longer if you do tell her. If you are so disgusted at your friends behaviour that you want to tell this woman, why is he even your friend? It’s certainly one way to end a friendship.

MeTooOverHere · 09/02/2025 06:15

Zanatdy · 09/02/2025 06:13

He won’t be your friend for much longer if you do tell her. If you are so disgusted at your friends behaviour that you want to tell this woman, why is he even your friend? It’s certainly one way to end a friendship.

She said they already have fallen out over it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2025 06:29

I would let her know he’s a swinger and to test for STI’s to protect her unborn child.

PermanentTemporary · 09/02/2025 06:33

No of course don't tell her. It's so far from being your business it's in the stratosphere.

HelmholtzWatson · 09/02/2025 06:35

it's really not any of my business and I should probably leave it well alone.

.

Onlyvisiting · 09/02/2025 06:35

If he is in a physical relationship with her and actively cheating on her then yes, I think she deserves to know. Quite aside from anything else he is putting the health of her and her unborn baby at risk without informing her.
Calling it swinging is a smokescreen imo. He is cheating with multiple other people . Why is irrelevant, he hasn't given her the opportunity to make an informed decision.

LBFseBrom · 09/02/2025 06:37

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 08/02/2025 23:42

The fact that you obviously know him well, and have told him he should own up to her, and he's refused, then I think in your shoes I would tell her. At least then she can get herself checked out, and while you haven't said how far along the pregnancy is, there may still be time for her to terminate, if she decides that's what she wants, once she knows what the father of her child is really like.

Tell her please. How far advanced is her pregnancy? I know I wouldn't want a child with someone like him, she probably became pregnant by accident and is currently trying to make the best of things but if the pregnancy is still early, she has choices. I don't often say that and at first wondered about your motives but as I read on, saw that you had told him to tell her and that your friendship is now spoiled, I believe you are not involved with him and just want to do the right thing.

If she knows the score she can make an informed decision. Don't delay!

Userxyd · 09/02/2025 06:42

I'm in the "I'd want to know" camp. Also don't get the "are you jealous" comments - says more about the posters than the OP imo. Never heard of looking out for each other? That's exactly how cheats keep cheating.
You're either keeping his secrets for him or you're not - would be better for you if you didn't know about it in the first place but he's clearly told you all this so now you have to choose what you do with this info. After decades of friendship surely he'd know you well enough to expect you to tell her anyway?

GoldenSunflowers · 09/02/2025 07:05

So he’s in his 50s at least (calculating by 30+ years friendship) and she’s late 30s at most (to still get pregnant easily). Is there a power imbalance, is she so naive and doesn’t know what’s going on? I’d like to think I’d tell her for the sake of her health but I don’t know if I’d be brave enough if I didn’t know her well.

BigSilly · 09/02/2025 07:14

I can't imagine approaching a 'distant aquaintance' about her 'situationship'. You seem itching to create drama!