To tell woman about her partner's kinks?

[frogmella123]

She is a distant acquaintance, I know him better. They had a brief relationship (him on the rebound) and she is now pregnant.
So they got "together", not living together or even in the same county, but in some sort of situationship.
But I know he is into swinging and sex clubs. She doesn't know. He hasn't told her.
I know it's really not any of my business and I should probably leave it well alone. I don't really want to get involved, except I can't shake the feeling that if it were me or were happening to a close friend then i'd want to know. She is basing a relationship and that of their unborn child on lies. She thinks he's faithful and monogamous.
I don't judge him for how he wants to live his life or get his kicks, but i do judge him for leading this woman up the garden path.
AIBU to say something?

YABU = Stay out of it
YANBU = She deserves to know

As there is a baby involved, she does deserve to know. I think I’d keep urging him to tell her because he could be putting the baby at risk. If he really wont then, I would tell her I think but not anonymously as she may not believe it. Horrible situation

We would ALL want to know.

No we wouldn’t. I wouldn’t.

Wow! The pot is already well and truly stirred. I would definitely want to know if my 'partner' was shagging randoms, especially when I was carrying their child ffs. What on earth has anyone's attractiveness got to do with it for crying out loud? Is that how you make your decisions? Scary

1 They aren't in an exclusive relationship
2 The OP has no reason to think he isn't practising safe sex
3 a safeguarding issue??! Bollocks!

Stay out of it. She is not your friend so don't see why you would be getting involved.
I have no idea what a 'situationship' is but I am guessing they are not really commited to each other anyway and there is a good chance she knows about his sexual activity in terms of swinging or that they are in an open relationship so would already have an awareness that he has had sex with others.

In my experience many people don’t want to do this due to some altruistic personality type. They want to do it for a reason much more malicious. And jealousy is often one of them. Doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do. But questioning the ops motives is valid.

and he will simply lie and deny it or say that’s over. I’d not be surprised if the op sleeps with him.

You really do have quite the story book going on in your head don't you?

Definitely tell her.

@PhyllisWallet legislation has nothing to do with it. The baby and woman are at risk from his behaviour- we have every reason to think he’s not careful about safe sex as she got pregnant. She thinks they are in an exclusive relationship so doesn’t think she needs to be careful.

Her health and the baby’s are at risk. That’s not ok.

I would want to know if I was her. He could pass a disease onto her which could be very risky for the baby. Many STIs don’t cause symptoms so she would be none the wiser. Even if he is practising safe sex, condoms don’t offer 100% protection when it comes to STI.

Depending on how far along she is, it would also give her the choice to end the pregnancy if she decides she doesn’t want to bring up a baby with a swinger.

If he's an active swinger then he'll be getting checked for STIs regularly (I'd hope!)

You can't check for all STDs or for "inactive" ones.

And he may have sex with her after sex with others, but before the checks. Especially if he's doing it regularly.

Some people have empathy and compassion. Some people have a sense of right and wrong.

Some people find it extremely uncomfortable to know someone is doing wrong to another person and let it happen. They feel guilty about it.

That's difficult to understand for certain people.

Have you not noticed that he has taken you into his confidence, but not his wife? That's called triangulation. Its something abusive people do. You don't actually know if he's telling you the truth about anything.
It sounds like he uses you for supply.

Op I'd sack him off (you're not compatible for friendship, given your relative morals) and tell her.

"X is a swinger, I felt strongly you should know. I encouraged him to tell you but he wouldn't; so that's why I'm telling you".

but not his wife?

I didn't catch that he was married to this woman he's impregnated (?)

Good luck with your std goals (and you better hope you don't end up with fetal abnormalities due to them).

(STDs and fetuses don't get along terribly well together, since apparently you don't know).

I think you should tell him to be honest with her, and possibly threaten him that if he doesn't tell her, then you will

Threaten him? That's not your place.

You can talk to him and suggest he tell her, but seriously this is not your business. Maybe say something like "how will she feel if she finds out?"

They aren't in an exclusive relationship

I thought, from op's posts, that he's let her believe they are in an exclusive relationship.

If I was that poor woman I would want to know.

He is being dishonest, is cheating on her as well as putting her at risk of STIs.

I would tell her and then dump this man as a friend.

I am surprised that so many women here are telling you to turn a blind eye.

https://www.stdcheck.com/blog/stds-that-can-affect-unborn-babies-pregnancy/

A brief summary of the delightful possible effects on babies of stds during pregnancy and birth.

Note how many stds are listed as "often symptomless".

But by all means ....keep saying you wouldn't want to know that your partner, with whom you're clearly having unprotected sex, is a swinger.

By all means keep slagging off a woman who feels shit not telling another woman who's pregnant, that her partner is a swinger (having asked him to tell her and been told no).

MN is absolutely bizarre sometimes.

And if anyone thinks that he isn't touching his partner until he's had a full std check and gotten the results after every single swinging incident (not that the tests could be certain for inactive infections of some stds) ....they're on cloud cuckoo land.

Projection.

Why does he need to tell her?

Maybe say something like "how will she feel if she finds out?"

You think the op didn't say that when she urged him to tell her?