To tell woman about her partner's kinks?

[frogmella123]

She is a distant acquaintance, I know him better. They had a brief relationship (him on the rebound) and she is now pregnant.
So they got "together", not living together or even in the same county, but in some sort of situationship.
But I know he is into swinging and sex clubs. She doesn't know. He hasn't told her.
I know it's really not any of my business and I should probably leave it well alone. I don't really want to get involved, except I can't shake the feeling that if it were me or were happening to a close friend then i'd want to know. She is basing a relationship and that of their unborn child on lies. She thinks he's faithful and monogamous.
I don't judge him for how he wants to live his life or get his kicks, but i do judge him for leading this woman up the garden path.
AIBU to say something?

YABU = Stay out of it
YANBU = She deserves to know

And potentially risking her and her unborn child's life with regards to STDs. Yes I know they test you for HIV and Syphilis and something else that I can't remember, but if he's shagging around and having sex with his partner it still puts her at risk.

Hmm, tough one. If he’s a very long-standing friend, it’d be disrespectful to him to tell her behind his back. So, it would probably end your friendship.

However, if you’ve urged him to be honest with her and he won’t, and you feel this has already ruined your friendship, then maybe you have little to lose?

I’d keep urging him to tell her himself. What’s his reason for not telling her? Does he say it’s because he plans to stop the swinging? Roughly how old is he? If he’s now older, maybe becoming a father will mean he changes his ways. Also, how far pregnant is she? Too late for an abortion?

If the child is definitely going to be born, s/he should have as much chance as possible to have parents who are together or at least get on well. Telling the mother could jeopardise that and make life harder for the child before it’s even born.

Then again having a child with, and maybe occasionally having sex with, a man who isn’t honest with her and regularly has sex with strangers, could put her emotionally or physically at risk.

This is a good compromise. If he really won’t tell her, even with a great deal of urging and reasoning for the health of the baby.

If he’s had unprotected sex with a woman who he’s not in a committed relationship with, and who doesn’t even live in the same country, when he’s that high risk for STIs, then it’s very likely he’s generally cavalier with protection, thus making him even higher risk.

It’s not that she thinks she knows best, but that she thinks the other woman has a right to know. The woman is running a risk if she’s sleeping with a man who is sleeping with many other women, and I think she has a right to know she’s running that risk.

If I was that woman I’d want to know. And I’d be furious if I discovered that someone knew about it, and could have told me but didn’t.

I can’t believe the abuse you’re getting here, OP.
You need to labour the point that she needs to know because it affects the health of his unborn baby. This could be life threatening.

I can’t believe the defenders of liberty on here who think it’s ok to keep a woman in the dark about her partner’s dangerous behaviour.

She’s unexpectedly pregnant by a man who shags around- regardless of the name- and she needs to know for her heath and the baby’s.

Poor Woman. But no, keep her in the dark, or you’ll be interfering.

If they're actually in a relationship, I'd tell her. The friendship is ruined because of this anyway, and if she's sleeping with him (especially while pregnant) she needs to know that he's cheating on her with so many people.

an acquaintance told me about an ex cheating on me. She was his friend, not mine at the time. Thought it was odd when she asked me out for a drink but she seemed nice so I said yes.

Despite it being so hard to hear, I am forever grateful for her sticking her beak in. Me and her remained good friends for some time. Him and her fought about her telling me and never spoke again.

I was in a committed relationship with this guy . I’m not sure how your friend and the pregnant lady are together if they are in a situationship, or if that’s his words rather than hers!

If I were the one with your friend, I’d appreciate someone sticking their beak in for me. But just be prepared it would most likely be the end of the friendship.

This... talk to him.

This

Well then talk to him about it? Encourage him to tell his situationship, as you would any friend.

Then if you can’t tolerate his choices, don’t be friends.

It's too late; she's pregnant.

For all you know, he might have turned over a new leaf.

Either way, it's not your life, and you don't know her. Stay out of it.

She has. He won’t. So now what?

I'm finding it hard to believe that the lady in question isn't aware of her partner's extra-curricular activities and hasn't had an STI.

I was engaged to a guy who was sleeping with 3 other women. He got away with it because he was a shift worker, and we didn't live together.

I got suspicious when I kept getting repeated attacks of thrush. Looking back, I was glad it wasn't anything more serious.

Absolutely do it. I know someone who spent ten years with her apparently loyal and devoted partner only to be utterly broken when she found out he was a serial and obsessive cheat.

If I ever found out who he was dating now I absolutely would tell her.

I ended up almost broken in a job due to my terrible boss. The people who knew what she was like never told me whilst I still had a chance to turn the job down. When I later asked them why they had not told me they just said ‘How could we?’ By opening your effing mouths!

‘Keep your nose out people’ are cowards who let others walk into trauma.

Tell her.

I would tell her. Especially if you've already urged him to be honest and he hasnt. Has he said why he won't tell her?
But be prepared to lose the friendship.

If I was in that situation, I would 100% want to know and I'd be even more humiliated if other people knew and hadn't told me. Poor woman and poor child!
Unless the guy plans to change or something.

Send her an anonymous message “Congratulations on your pregnancy, I strongly suggest that you get as STD test” you’ve done your bit, then the balls in her court and she can confront her partner herself.

I think the selfish thing to do is keep out of it, mind your own business, avoid getting blamed for causing drama..

The right thing to do is recognise it's his fault and nobody else's. You have information that can help this woman when making decisions for the family she's starting. You can protect her and her child from being blindsided, you can make her aware about StI risks, and warn her before she gets financially involved.

Yes, she will not be happy to receive such news, may not believe you at first. However, I think the fact she's a distant acquaintance makes it easier, not more difficult to tell.

Reading the thread has been an eye opener as to why so many men get away with all sorts. Women are preconditioned to keep quiet, aren't they. Men wouldn't - they'd be name calling the woman in public with no consideration for 'stirring the pot'.

Don’t send an anonymous message. He’ll easily be able to persuade his girlfriend that a troll sent this. That happened to the woman I posted about above. It was another three years before more OW contacted her and she realised the troll had not been a troll and her ‘DP’ was a serial cheat.

So contact her as you, not as anonymous

But there’s a baby involved which changes the situation a lot

Whataboutery. But you're not involved, so?

What’s the real story here op, this isn’t you e come over all altruistic. Are you jealous?

Safeguarding is everyone’s business and responsibility.

See this is the sort of watering down that has everyone thinking they have a right to know everything about everything else.

Find me one piece of legislation where this situation would be considered a safeguarding issue.