Starting to get this horrible feeling I’m being used by dh and my in laws.

[Zaina89]

so it’s a long story but I’m basically starting to get this feeling I am being “used” by my in laws and even in some ways by dh. Need some advice as to whether I am being unreasonable here and I am just over thinking all of this or if my feelings are valid.

Ive been married to dh for 10 years ( 11 in September!) we have 3 children, 9,7 and 15 months. Dh is Pakistani and I am british but a Muslim revert ( reverted before I met my husband so not for marriage) when I got married I basically knew nothing but I have adapted the culture and changed everything about myself as I’ve always wanted to impress my husband and his family. I learned how to cook all Pakistani food, I used to wear Abaya and Hijab, long dresses and skirts but when I got married started wearing shalwar kameez as my husband liked it. Even my personality I have changed things, my husband was born in Pakistan and so where his family so very traditional, I work very hard at home and with the children.

but it just feels any thing I do is not good enough, up until the recent weeks I have never seen an issue with how they have “treated me” but for a couple of weeks I have just started with this awful feeling I’m just being used by all of them if I’m honest.

a couple of examples, they don’t even say hi to me when they come and meet me at my house or anywhere ( sister in law does but pretty much no one else) they do talk to me but never say hi or how are you ( only when they want something).
my husband technically just expects me to take everything what his mother says to me and not question her. Whilst she was visiting in December she told me “ you had the perfect family with a boy and a girl before why did you plan a 3rd baby” when her baby granddaughter was innocently playing in front of us, told dh during that time and he said she must have said it because “ you complain to much how the baby is such hard work” and make excuses for how his mother treats me.

today my brother in law moved house ( the next street to ours to be exact) and his mum called this morning to tell me I should cook for everyone ( 15 people ) I cooked, served and cleaned up after everyone, no thanks,no nothing. They’ve gone now to bil and sil house to help them unpack and dh said if I wanted to come and then my sister in law responded “ but who will look after all the kids” ( my sister in laws kids are also here with mine).

I never feel involved in anything, feels like they just use me when they want something or when they want a free meal.
bil got married last year and his wife is from Pakistan and ever since then they are all for her even though I’ve been in the family for decade at this point and done so much for all of them. They absolutely love her but I just don’t get the same treatment.

dh allows all of this, whenever I tell him my feelings he brushes it off, Dh is never home, does nothing to help at home, sides with his mother when ever she does anything wrong with me.

when I gave birth to our 3rd baby he brought his mum to stay to “help” and I came home from the hospital after a really bad birth and a lot of blood loss to the older kids and the house a complete mess and she said she couldn’t clean because “ she’s too old” ( she’s 52, no health issues)
when I told my husband he said “ well what did you expect, I brought her here to look after the new baby so you can clean and do the housework”

during my birth, I was hemorrhaging after baby came out, his mum called to tell him I wasn’t in a good way and he should come. He replied with “ let the doctors deal with her” and he never came. ( I found out about this recently)

I feel like everything I’m writing is all over the place because I just don’t know how I feel anymore, I’m not happy, I’m doing housework all the time and no help with the kids and my health isn’t very good and I’m tired all the time. I just don’t know what I want to do with my life and I’m suddenly coming to realisations that i may be getting used by all of them and thinking is this what i really deserve.

Im so sorry. They are using you and treating you badly. Your ‘husband’ is a lazy selfish ingrate.
They don’t respect you or appreciate anything you do.

You are right and you are not being unreasonable. You do not deserve to be treated like that either.

I hope you are able to leave and find a place of safety 💜💐

It sounds like you have a miserable life and are little more than a slave. I'd move myself out and seek support from Woman's Aid.

Sorry off topic but I'm confused about something. You reverted or converted?

She became a Muslim, but Muslims use the term reverted where other religions would use the term converted, so, same thing.

I'm sorry to say your instincts are right. You are being taken advantage of and you are being used as a drudge. How on earth would you be able to leave this situation with your children though? Be very careful with how you proceed. Do you have friends who you completely trust to discuss this with?

It's just a linguistic thing, that sadly is distracting away from the OP's awful situation. Revert is a term used by some Muslims to describe themselves or others becoming Muslim later in life rather than having been born into a family practising the faith. Others choose to use the term convert, while others say they returned to or accepted Islam, or simply say "I'm Muslim".

In Islam, it's believed that every person is born with an innate spiritual connection/relationship/love of God (Allah is the Arabic word for God), and some people feel that a choice to be Muslim is them returning to and re-establishing that connection for themselves. In Islam there is also a recognition that each person is on their own journey of spiritual development (eg "To you be your way, and to me mine"), so how a person chooses to describe their own experiences is not intended to be used as a judgement of anyone else's. Whether the OP chooses to describe herself as a convert or a revert or something else entirely is really just describing her own experience of her relationship with faith.

I do feel for you but you changed your life to fit in with a family that are so different to how you have been brought up. Why did you start wearing these clothes? You just don’t fit into their way of life. You MIL called him to tell him you were haemorrhaging? Why wasn’t he there??? Where are your own family? I wish young girls would think twice before trying to change to another culture

I'm afraid that you signed up for this culture. It's a million miles from what you have been brought up with, and there are massive differences between how women are perceived in Muslim societies. Do you think his family have fully accepted him marrying a western woman, albeit a muslim convert? It's easy to convert to a different religion, it's harder to be immediately be au fait with the complexities of a different culture.
My last note in this, is that if your gut feeling say that you are being used, you probably are. I don't envy your life-choices one bit.

That sounds absolutely awful and my heart breaks for you. Important point though as typically lots of posters seem to be using this as a way to bash Pakistani men in general. I know lots of Pakistani families and the majority are lovely people. Interestingly enough, one of our neighbours married an English girl and they treat her like royalty. They have been married for over 20 years. The point is that while yes, in some cultures these things are more common, men who behave this way will find one excuse or another.
I agree with some of posters, try and focus on how you can gain independence.

@Scirocco

A very informative and interesting reply - thank you.

Mother of God, what a horror of a life story.

Call Women's aid for advice and support.
What on earth is going on that you would want to be abused like this.

You poor woman.
Have you any family?

I too would call this human slavery by his family.

But if you will accept this and have done for years, what do you expect.

They clearly hate you and couldn't give a damn about you.

You are a servant to them and no doubt your children will be treated similarly, second class citizens.

Your husband is a selfish pig.

When I first started reading your post, it sounded a lot like my friend who married a Muslim guy (he is traditional in his ways re family roles but she's happy with that, but truly wonderful, intelligent family man-I've known them both forever. However she's got the mother in law from bloody hell who sounded like yours).

However that was just a few sentences in
The more I read the more disgusting this all sounds. You are being used and the part about hemorrhaging and he couldn't even be bothered to see you is unbelievable. That's not love, far from it. You need to leave this man because he's vile.

I have a friend who uses the term revert. It makes her really happy, everyone in her family and friends are fine with it, no one's offended. It's fine. Being a Muslim has added a lot to her life. I bet the people offended don't know any Muslims and have been riled up by divisive fearmongering shite online. All of us are happy to support what makes her happy.

This is unacceptable - I wouldn't put up with it.

I'm a born Muslim and so is my partner; during the births of my children my mother in-law was expected to stay with me for two weeks, cooking, cleaning, bathing the children and even helped wash me when needed!

Also if my mother in law asked me to cook for 15 people, I would tell her to get her son to deal with it. He can order them takeaway if he's working / can't cook and they can clean up after themselves.

You are getting used, you need to start taking care of yourself x

This is a culture thing in Pakistani families to cook for lots of people, but what’s wrong is that you were asked to do this while just back from giving birth. And also if it’s your husband culture he should manage and bring home food for all those people not you doing it each time as it’s also not your culture at all. That’s not a religious thing either. Does your sil cook for 15 people when you gather as a family or is it just you each time?

It’s also a culture to have the perception of a woman giving birth being not important enough because these men saw their mothers having lots of children so it’s a common thing for them. The reality is that even if the mortality of woman a giving birth reduced there is still a risk which your husband shouldn’t underestimate.

I know a reverted woman who married a Pakistani from Pakistan and he helps a lot at home with home cleaning, looking after children and all these things even if he is the only one working.

You should really discuss this with your husband for all the stuff you do not have to do and stop doing it, your children their mum available and in a good mental health, they are your priority.

If he doesn’t understand or worst become aggressive I join the advice given by the others to contact an organisation to help to go out of this abusive family.

Because obviously nobody mentally stable, of sound mind or not controlled would choose to seek religion, (especially the absolute frightful faith that is Islam)! would they? Shock horror!

Honestly, Mumsnet is so ‘naice’ and ‘’PC’ until Muslims and people belonging to a particular dynamic are the subject; at that point, all the generalisations and stereotypical tropes are rolled out.

FWIW, the OP could just as easily have been written about a non-Muslim, non-Pakistani man,(who are just as guilty and likely of being perpetrators of domestic abuse, y’know)?! As the numerous threads on Mumsnet and accurate stats around domestic abuse will testify, DA isn’t culture or faith specific and it is not only completely inaccurate, but also extremely insulting and dangerous to suggest that a particular community is more likely to subject women to abuse.

DA is a universal issue that transcends culture and religion; unfortunately, the media bias and reporting will have you believe it’s more prevalent in certain demographics but, in various forms, it has affected so many women across the world, irrespective of religion/culture/social status. And I say this from an informed perspective, as someone who works very closely with victims of DA from across the globe.

OP, your husband and in-laws sound completely undeserving of you, your loyalty and your dedication. Your husband knew who you were before he married you, so you should never have had to change everything about yourself, trying to seek some sort of approval from him and his family. You and your babies deserve so much better. Praying you have brighter days ahead of you. All the best.

What are you actually basing your comment re reverts being ‘second class citizens’ on? How many born Muslims and reverts do you personally know?

Many reverts are actually considered widely across Islamic communities to be more informed, blessed and pious on the whole as a result of the fact they studied and chose the faith and were not just born in to it.

And pray, do tell, what the hell the shape of anybody’s samosas has got to do with the price of fish?! Dickish families aren’t exclusive to particular communities..

I was reverted and married a Somali man my husband was wonderful his culture and religious beliefs weren’t so.. it is what ended it. I couldn’t pretend any longer it wasn’t me. One thing I realised is you will never be equal to them they will never see you anything more than what you currently are. If you’re happy to play maid for the rest of your life continue. But only you can change your situation.