so it’s a long story but I’m basically starting to get this feeling I am being “used” by my in laws and even in some ways by dh. Need some advice as to whether I am being unreasonable here and I am just over thinking all of this or if my feelings are valid.
Ive been married to dh for 10 years ( 11 in September!) we have 3 children, 9,7 and 15 months. Dh is Pakistani and I am british but a Muslim revert ( reverted before I met my husband so not for marriage) when I got married I basically knew nothing but I have adapted the culture and changed everything about myself as I’ve always wanted to impress my husband and his family. I learned how to cook all Pakistani food, I used to wear Abaya and Hijab, long dresses and skirts but when I got married started wearing shalwar kameez as my husband liked it. Even my personality I have changed things, my husband was born in Pakistan and so where his family so very traditional, I work very hard at home and with the children.
but it just feels any thing I do is not good enough, up until the recent weeks I have never seen an issue with how they have “treated me” but for a couple of weeks I have just started with this awful feeling I’m just being used by all of them if I’m honest.
a couple of examples, they don’t even say hi to me when they come and meet me at my house or anywhere ( sister in law does but pretty much no one else) they do talk to me but never say hi or how are you ( only when they want something).
my husband technically just expects me to take everything what his mother says to me and not question her. Whilst she was visiting in December she told me “ you had the perfect family with a boy and a girl before why did you plan a 3rd baby” when her baby granddaughter was innocently playing in front of us, told dh during that time and he said she must have said it because “ you complain to much how the baby is such hard work” and make excuses for how his mother treats me.
today my brother in law moved house ( the next street to ours to be exact) and his mum called this morning to tell me I should cook for everyone ( 15 people ) I cooked, served and cleaned up after everyone, no thanks,no nothing. They’ve gone now to bil and sil house to help them unpack and dh said if I wanted to come and then my sister in law responded “ but who will look after all the kids” ( my sister in laws kids are also here with mine).
I never feel involved in anything, feels like they just use me when they want something or when they want a free meal.
bil got married last year and his wife is from Pakistan and ever since then they are all for her even though I’ve been in the family for decade at this point and done so much for all of them. They absolutely love her but I just don’t get the same treatment.
dh allows all of this, whenever I tell him my feelings he brushes it off, Dh is never home, does nothing to help at home, sides with his mother when ever she does anything wrong with me.
when I gave birth to our 3rd baby he brought his mum to stay to “help” and I came home from the hospital after a really bad birth and a lot of blood loss to the older kids and the house a complete mess and she said she couldn’t clean because “ she’s too old” ( she’s 52, no health issues)
when I told my husband he said “ well what did you expect, I brought her here to look after the new baby so you can clean and do the housework”
during my birth, I was hemorrhaging after baby came out, his mum called to tell him I wasn’t in a good way and he should come. He replied with “ let the doctors deal with her” and he never came. ( I found out about this recently)
I feel like everything I’m writing is all over the place because I just don’t know how I feel anymore, I’m not happy, I’m doing housework all the time and no help with the kids and my health isn’t very good and I’m tired all the time. I just don’t know what I want to do with my life and I’m suddenly coming to realisations that i may be getting used by all of them and thinking is this what i really deserve.