Starting to get this horrible feeling I’m being used by dh and my in laws.

[Zaina89]

so it’s a long story but I’m basically starting to get this feeling I am being “used” by my in laws and even in some ways by dh. Need some advice as to whether I am being unreasonable here and I am just over thinking all of this or if my feelings are valid.

Ive been married to dh for 10 years ( 11 in September!) we have 3 children, 9,7 and 15 months. Dh is Pakistani and I am british but a Muslim revert ( reverted before I met my husband so not for marriage) when I got married I basically knew nothing but I have adapted the culture and changed everything about myself as I’ve always wanted to impress my husband and his family. I learned how to cook all Pakistani food, I used to wear Abaya and Hijab, long dresses and skirts but when I got married started wearing shalwar kameez as my husband liked it. Even my personality I have changed things, my husband was born in Pakistan and so where his family so very traditional, I work very hard at home and with the children.

but it just feels any thing I do is not good enough, up until the recent weeks I have never seen an issue with how they have “treated me” but for a couple of weeks I have just started with this awful feeling I’m just being used by all of them if I’m honest.

a couple of examples, they don’t even say hi to me when they come and meet me at my house or anywhere ( sister in law does but pretty much no one else) they do talk to me but never say hi or how are you ( only when they want something).
my husband technically just expects me to take everything what his mother says to me and not question her. Whilst she was visiting in December she told me “ you had the perfect family with a boy and a girl before why did you plan a 3rd baby” when her baby granddaughter was innocently playing in front of us, told dh during that time and he said she must have said it because “ you complain to much how the baby is such hard work” and make excuses for how his mother treats me.

today my brother in law moved house ( the next street to ours to be exact) and his mum called this morning to tell me I should cook for everyone ( 15 people ) I cooked, served and cleaned up after everyone, no thanks,no nothing. They’ve gone now to bil and sil house to help them unpack and dh said if I wanted to come and then my sister in law responded “ but who will look after all the kids” ( my sister in laws kids are also here with mine).

I never feel involved in anything, feels like they just use me when they want something or when they want a free meal.
bil got married last year and his wife is from Pakistan and ever since then they are all for her even though I’ve been in the family for decade at this point and done so much for all of them. They absolutely love her but I just don’t get the same treatment.

dh allows all of this, whenever I tell him my feelings he brushes it off, Dh is never home, does nothing to help at home, sides with his mother when ever she does anything wrong with me.

when I gave birth to our 3rd baby he brought his mum to stay to “help” and I came home from the hospital after a really bad birth and a lot of blood loss to the older kids and the house a complete mess and she said she couldn’t clean because “ she’s too old” ( she’s 52, no health issues)
when I told my husband he said “ well what did you expect, I brought her here to look after the new baby so you can clean and do the housework”

during my birth, I was hemorrhaging after baby came out, his mum called to tell him I wasn’t in a good way and he should come. He replied with “ let the doctors deal with her” and he never came. ( I found out about this recently)

I feel like everything I’m writing is all over the place because I just don’t know how I feel anymore, I’m not happy, I’m doing housework all the time and no help with the kids and my health isn’t very good and I’m tired all the time. I just don’t know what I want to do with my life and I’m suddenly coming to realisations that i may be getting used by all of them and thinking is this what i really deserve.

This just sounds like a typical Muslim man and his family to be honest. Very old fashioned, backward and misogynistic beliefs. You couldn’t pay me to marry a Muslim man, the women are treated like second class, controlled and it seems the fact you’re not Pakistani born makes them view you as even less than your SIL. They usually keep to their own and it seems frowned upon to even marry a white woman.

You are not loved, cherished or respected. Your husband despises you.

You have been chosen to produce children and raise them whilst being a housekeeper.

I do not believe for one minute that your husband is faithful to you.

What are you going to do about it to get out of this mess so that you are not a slave and you can be yourself and not keep up the ridiculous and false pretence of being what you think your husband wants.

Also, make sure you have the children’s birth certificates and passports safe. If they get taken to Pakistan they aren’t in The Hague convention.

Awful. This is the reality of marrying into a culture you don't understand beforehand. This is your life now if you choose to stay married.

I lost you when you said you changed your personality for this.

OP what the hec? You aren’t a slave here to serve. You live in the modern world, don’t you want more for your daughters than this?

Awful, where are your family and friends ? You need to make plans to leave.

It isnt really important but why are you telling the op that she is not a revert? If she chooses to use that term as many others do then it’s a bit rude to tell her she is wrong is it not?

You can't spend the rest of your life like this. Start planning your way out. Be careful though.

Do you not see this as a situation of whereby people are treating you the way you are allowing them to treat you?
Sorry OP but this is just so far removed from what I would accept. I keep reading these posts where it’s women simpering after their husbands and it saddens me so much.
Why have you changed who you are for a man? I just can’t imagine being like this, so it’s very difficult for me to understand and honestly makes me quite angry.

Is divorcing a realistic option?

I am sorry. They are all abusive and are treating you no better than a slave
What about your parents/ Siblings?
Are you in contact with them?
You really need someone in your corner.
I hope the links posted of relevant organisations may help you find the safest way out.

I didn't mean to be rude. I was being factual and am responding only because you asked me a question. I guess I don't like to see English misused. Revert means to go back to something. I know Islam believes everyone was a Muslim originally. I think there should be another specifically Islamic word to describe their belief rather than misusing English. But that's derailing the thread from the really serious problem OP faces, so sorry for that.

I understand your feelings but I partly highlighted it because well, she can call herself whatever she likes and from her point of view (and many other Muslims as you have pointed out), it is correct terminology. My main reason though is that she is facing loads of problems with people putting their expectations onto her and here you are doing exactly the same.

Honestly I don’t understand why women like you put up with this? Can someone explain? You get with these men from backwards countries, who don’t have a pot to piss in, but somehow they think their ethnicity means they are royalty and you are a peasant?

My best friend’s partner is a man from a similar culture (they’re both British though). Due to their caste system, she is basically the hired help regardless of her education, career and personality. She is out of his league in every way possible but is treated like scum essentially. All the same things happen where MIL doesn’t respect her and SIL is revered. She complains about how she gets treated all the time but ultimately she (and you) are the only ones who can save yourself from this situation.

I just want to add my voice to all the others who are advising you to get help either from your own family or from one of the women's charities set up to help people like you OP, as a woman should never be treated the way you are.

I hope that you can escape this relationship, both quickly and safely, and go on to live a happy life, teaching your own children that this is NO WAY TO LIVE.

Remember, the most important thing in order to keep yourself and your children safe, is to keep your plans to yourself, and trust no one but those who are offering you help from outside the family. I wish you all the very best.

"Revert" is "a bit rude" to every other person who is not a Muslim. The term "revert" is used because of the belief that all people are born Muslim.

You are exhausted.
Have a full check up with your GP to rule out any chronic low iron etc. and also ask if there are any local mother and baby groups.
Once the baby is old enough, adventure out more - go out and make more contacts. Also claim yourself more rest.
Make your every day life a more enjoyable for yourself.
Reflect on your situation compared to your friends.
Invite your SIL out for play dates and walks.

Make simple reasonable requests of your husband.
Please help me with XXX.

Help with family if YOU feel it practical and you are happy but expect a thank you. Comment - SIL, Did you not want me to care for your children? Well, a simple 'thank you' would be nice.
Let DH see you actively greet guests at your own door. You are not a slave banished to the kitchen. You stay and welcome and ask people in. Ask DH to put the kettle on.
Make changes to make your situation better.
See how you feel. How you feel about DH. Do you need more date nights?

It is right that you feel valued, equally powerful and content.

Yes, and I definitely wouldn’t be seeking ‘help’ from the mosque as someone up-post suggested 🙄

OP, that sounds awful. Have you heard to song ‘Labour’ by Paris Paloma? Sounds like your situation.

My mum is Pakistani, albeit from Karachi, she worked, my aunts always worked and my female cousin is on the director board of a bank - point being it is normal for women to work. Your husband is a pathetic little mama’s boy. The aforementioned cousin was married to one, before children, and divorced him and never looked back. It is not a taboo to divorce should this ever be an option. The way he spoke to you are treated you after birth is vile.

As others have said why on Earth would you change your personality? You are teaching your children whatever you put up with - being treated like a servant, being gaslit, having no personality other than your spouse. You want your sons to treat their wives like that and for your daughter to be treated the way you are? You are teaching them that is normal. I also wonder if your children are treated differently because they are mixed and how much financial independence you have.

get some kind of hobby that gets you out the house. Who were you before you met your husband? Can you spend time with the sil that is nice? Make new mum friends or friends at the mosque? Make yourself a life outside your husband and get a baseline as to how others are treated because this is not normal. Not normal
in Pakistani culture either.

Wonder if all the posters making racist and islamaphobic comments share their opinions on ethnicity and religion on the countless other posts each day about husbands treating their wives like shit, because their are plenty and you know most of the spouses are white. People treat others like shit because they are shitty people. If you stood up to your husband what would actually happen?

‘Date nights’?!😅 She needs to get TF out of there & with her children ASAP!!!

It sounds like no matter how hard you try, these people are never going to be pleased with anything you do. I suggest that you stop trying and start pleasing yourself. Wear what YOU like. Cook what YOU like. If saying “No” isn’t an option for you, push back gently in the way you bring your kids up. Do you want this kind of misery for your daughters? Your DH and his family don’t even see you as a human. They are ill-mannered, entitled people who treat you like a robot because your thoughts, feelings and needs have no meaning to them. In the western world that you live in and raise your kids in, you are considered to be in an abusive marriage.

OP you sounds like such a kind, loving and wonderful mum that has done so much for your family, but this hasn’t been returned. I’m so sorry your husband and his family does not appreciate you and you deserve so much more. I can’t believe he wasn’t there for the birth of your child! I find this so hard to comprehend that someone would miss such a special moment. I’m sorry to say but I think you have been a bit of a doormat, please stand up for yourself. You are absolutely amazing and deserve to be treated properly.

You are in an abusive relationship. Please call Women's Aid and make plans to leave.

I notice you tell us what you have changed/given up for him. What has he changed for you?

You’ve changed a lot for him, and done a lot for him and his family. It sounds like you need to leave, for your own sake and your children’s. I would never be able to forgive not birth at the birth. If that’s too traumatic for him, do you think he’ll be looking after you when you need it if you get seriously ill? Will he cook your meals and wash your hair when you can’t do it? This will really affect your children, they’re learning what to put up with. I’d encourage you to get help from your own friends and family. He will never change, I know this from experience. A mummy’s boy will never ever stop being one. I’ve watched grown adult men only realise the truth about their mother’s mistreatment of their wives 30 years after the fact. Don’t let that be you. In the meantime, resume your life. See your friends, take the kids out. Any comments about “who’ll watch the kids?” needs to be met with “not me, I’ve got somewhere to be” and leave the house immediately. Same with cooking for 15. “I’ve got somewhere to be” and leave. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t be available. And ignore the Islamophobic vibes in the thread. Your husband needs to learn a thing or two about how men should be treating women in Islam, and this ain’t it.