Moving to the US – Am I Bonkers?

[keithmoo]

DH has just been offered a job in the US, and it’s a really good opportunity – more money, career progression, and all that jazz. It would mean uprooting the DC (6 and 3) and moving to a completely new country, which is giving me the absolute fear. We’d likely be going to a mid-sized city in the Midwest (think Ohio/Indiana sort of area), which I know very little about apart from what I’ve seen in films – which I assume isn’t entirely accurate!

Has anyone done this? What’s the reality of life in the US as a Brit? I’m worried about things like healthcare (I’ve heard horror stories), schooling (seems like it varies wildly), and just generally settling in. Also, I’m a bit concerned about making friends – I’ve heard Americans can be friendly but in a surface-level way, and I don’t want to be stuck in some weird expat bubble.

Would love any advice from those who’ve made the move. What were the biggest culture shocks? Any regrets? What do I need to know that no one tells you?

Also, please reassure me that I won’t have to live off terrible coffee and weird chocolate for the foreseeable…

It's a bit harder to live in a bubble here due to the mere size of the place.

Why are freedoms and democracy 'bollocks', my Grandfather and many others (including Americans), fought and suffered in the second world war for those, nice to read that their efforts were all for nothing!

Most people don’t get the opportunity to move abroad, or are not in a position to do so. Most people commenting will not have even visited the US, let alone lived there.
They are just wringing their hands that Trump is the president.

It's not exactly hard to visit, are you American as you seem to have that mindset that travelling outside of one's own country is not something you do or you don't have enough leave for?

Equally, you state all the shitty aspects of UK life but it isn't just people from the UK who wouldn't make that move at the moment. I have Danish family and believe me the sentiment is similar!

The demographic of Mumsnet is more likely than any other to be offered professional opportunities to work abroad so that argument doesn't stand either!

Open a new thread. “Moving to Israel! Am I bonkers?”

It does remind me that one of the things I dislike most about the US is that I have found Americans very keen to ask me about why I don't live in the US - in my industry, many opportunities to do so, I have done so in the past and do go out regularly for work.

I try to be diplomatic (Dutch DH less so like a lot of Dutch people he is very direct) about why I have chosen not to live there but they often find it incredibly difficult to understand that I might prefer to live somewhere else and they do the thing you can see on this thread and try and explain to me that I must be wrong and misunderstand something, don't have enough experience of their lifestyle etc

@keithmoo Yes you are bonkers. You risk being refused life-saving treatment should you get pregnant and need to abort to save your life, or you could be arrested for having a miscarriage. Your kids could be murdered in one of the regular school shootings. And politically, the US is in a very dark and dangerous place, with a real possibility of mass violence breaking out, martial law being imposed, etc etc. Plus, with government infrastructure and services being systematically dismantled, - the usual safeguards such to keep tap water clean, food uncontaminated, airspace safe, etc, will disappear.

OP, people here who have never been to the US, or only ever been to Disneyland or know nothing about the US will talk about it as though they know everything. When all they have seen is political news on mainstream media.

Every country has its problem, but if the choice is between the UK which is at best a middle income country, fast on the decline towards becoming a third world hellhole and the US, it’s the US all the way.

Culturally I think is the general difference between the U.S and the UK but also from my Danish perspective, there is a sense of self-centred that is really important in the U.S. So my experiences, my opinion, my achievements etc. The collective opinion, the environment you live in, sense of equality of opportunity is far more entrenched in the European mindset. UK culture is definitely not as driven but we don't have a concept of the American dream so maybe that's why it is based upon. Most immigrants in the U.S. Appear to reference that American dream so it is an important part of the cultural makeup which absolutely has its pluses but is fundamentally the difference in cultural outlook IMO

I’m sure a significant number of posters have holidayed in the US or visited friends there. Many of us have worked for global companies and worked there regularly and in DH and my case been offered permanent jobs there (and in our case turned down those jobs). DH and I probably go over the border a couple of times a month either for lunch, shopping or visiting relatives.

We know what is happening in the US - we have our eyes wide open.

When you refer to 'mainstream media' so you mean the investigative journalism type as opposed to social media conspiracy theory news outlets?

Interesting, so the UK is going to by pass the second world status and go straight to third world status 'hell hole'! Third world countries have stuff going for them you know, there will be elements of life that are far superior to the American way of life and Europeans come to think of it- so patronising and angry!

I went around the US as a young child in the 80s, I do have some of the best memories but Americans liked the British and the Europeans then, you don't always get that impression now so I would be hesitant on that basis alone. America first is a real thing and it is ashame.

Sure, some gun ownership is due to hunting culture. Where I was in the Upper Midwest, we faculty knew not to schedule exams on the opening days of the hunting season. And, yes, Murder rates have declined in the past few decades. But the country is still violent, and suicide rates by guns are quite high in the USA. Also overdoses from opiates. There was a peak after COVID in 2022 that is coming down.

In 2022 according to John Hopkins, for the third straight year, firearms killed more children and teens, ages 1 to 17, than any other cause including car crashes and cancer. Our analysis found 48,204 people, the second highest on record, died from gunshots in the U.S. in 2022, including 27,032 suicides, an all-time high for the country.

publichealth.jhu.edu/center-for-gun-violence-solutions/research-reports/firearm-violence-in-the-united-states

There is an excellent report called the State of the Nation done by a number of American think tanks (even spread of liberal/conservative so non partisan). This is what it says about the States’s persistent weaknesses. Worth a read.
https://stateofnation.org/assets/stateofnation/downloads/SOTN%20Executive%20Summary.pdf

Persistent weaknesses. This category includes those areas where we have low international standing and where we do not see improving trends.

Our mental health is very low by global standards and getting steadily worse. On all three mental health measures—depression/anxiety, fatal overdoses, and suicide—we are among the worst high-income countries and getting worse, both in our national and international trends. Our rate of fatal overdoses is highest among all countries where it can be measured.

While we have a very high average income, we continue to have among the most unequal incomes in the world. When we analyze income across all groups, we see that income inequality is rising. Combined with the reduction in poverty, this means that inequality is rising because income growth has been more concentrated among those who were well-off to start with. (This measure is net of government programs and transfer payments such as Social Security.) (My aside…if these gov’t programmes are decimated by Trump, inequality gets worse)

We remain among the most violent high-income countries in the world. The US has historically been one of the most violent high-income countries in the world, and that remains true today. However, contrary to public perception, the murder rate declined sharply over the past several decades. The increases during COVID were temporary, and the murder rate has declined to pre-COVID levels.

Our children and families are not well. Across four different measures (child mortality, low birthweight, percentage of children growing up with a single parent, and youth depression), we are either rank in the middle or among the worst of the world’s high-income countries. And almost all these measures are trending in the wrong direction.

But, hey the economy is booming.

I think this is an accurate viewpoint. It was Iike that when I grew up in the USA.

Sure, but the DofE did provide somewhat of a buffer for more egregious pursuits, at lease they did. The debate about school vouchers or “welfare for the wealthy” in Texas is an example of a Republican state trying to have control of the school system to suit an agenda.

Yes, and that is what makes it so heartbreaking. I was in American academia before I came to a UK university. It used to be quite wonderful, but that world is gone.

Yes! Great post.

I don’t know why people are ignoring the facts that guns kill more kids in the US than any accident or illness. They are the leading cause of death! You have the option to not expose your children to that risk. Why would you??

I think many people over there are completely desensitised to the gun issue (and the constant mass shootings).

I'd go to the USA for a holiday, but not to live, for all the reasons previously stated. I'll take my state-run healthcare, women's rights and very low chance of getting shot over what American offers.

Yes, like the BBC who wait around to interview one person who wanders over to look-see the lady with the microphone. Then they show said person all day “this is BBC reporting from America!”

@keithmoo

I truly hope you manage to wade through conjecture and the frankly wild assumptions to make the decision based on your family needs.

A couple of things to consider -

I wished I had had access to a relocation agent when I moved. So do that for sure when you do recce. Schools, suburbs etc I would have made less mistakes. Still don’t regret the choices in some ways though.

I made my husband negotiate a fixed term contract so we weren’t moving on a 2 week notice period. I have seen people relocate and have to move back wirhin 3 months sometimes. I am so glad that I read through his contract and did this. As it stands
it hasn’t mattered but you can never be sure.

Ask the employer to provide a decent immigration lawyer who can also help you transition to green cards when you land or just to pay for all visa admin cost stateside etc. This can be pricey so best get agreement for that to be covered.

However much you think you’ve prepared it will still be a huge culture shock at every level. You’ll be shouldering a lot of the admin burden. But hoping you have an agent who can help you through the first months.

I think people forget that England is the same size as California. It’s a 6 hour flight from Cali to NYC! Every state is so different and cities and towns within the states vary wildly - much like the UK. London isn’t the same as Birmingham or Edinburgh. Sheffield not the same as Hull. So definitely do your research on your city and suburb. With younger children friendships are always easier to foster so actually it’s good time to go.

I have never been in an expat bubble in the USA. If your children go to local schools it’ll be a mixed crowd, And it may take time but you’ll find that coffee spot, pizza joint and place to get bread.

My last piece of advice is to have the discussions about what happens if one wants to return home. Be brutal. Worst case scenario, be in the same page before you leave. We have changed states since we’ve been here.

We have been here nearly 4 years. I kept hearing it takes 6 months to settle, or a year. I was panicked as I wasn’t meeting this ‘emotional’ timeframe people tell you about. I’d say it’s taken me 3 years and a change of State and now I’m settled. My outlook is way more balanced being on the outside looking back to the UK and vice versa. Super interesting and challenging for sure,

Please find those FB pages. I can DM them for you. Talk to people in the mid west. Go visit. It’s really not that bad. People chose to move for all sorts of reasons. The economy in the UK for my husbands sector was shrinking. It pales in comparison to the USA. He knew within a few years his ability to find a job in the UK would be difficult He has jumped ahead by being here and he was already senior. Totally broadened his expedience. It very easy for the naysayers to pipe up but you need to work out the upside for your family.

I have travelled all over the US and emigrated and come back to the UK.
I would live in parts of US if I was very well off. I would not live in Ohio.

What is wrong with Ohio?

The irony of the USA and their ‘freedom’ is that it’s actually one of the least free places in the western world to live.

Nothing if you’re right-wing, Trump supporting, go to church, don’t mind seeing drug use everywhere and have plenty of money.
Columbus is okay, the rest not so much.

The Dept of Education manages federal student loans.