Moving to the US – Am I Bonkers?

[keithmoo]

DH has just been offered a job in the US, and it’s a really good opportunity – more money, career progression, and all that jazz. It would mean uprooting the DC (6 and 3) and moving to a completely new country, which is giving me the absolute fear. We’d likely be going to a mid-sized city in the Midwest (think Ohio/Indiana sort of area), which I know very little about apart from what I’ve seen in films – which I assume isn’t entirely accurate!

Has anyone done this? What’s the reality of life in the US as a Brit? I’m worried about things like healthcare (I’ve heard horror stories), schooling (seems like it varies wildly), and just generally settling in. Also, I’m a bit concerned about making friends – I’ve heard Americans can be friendly but in a surface-level way, and I don’t want to be stuck in some weird expat bubble.

Would love any advice from those who’ve made the move. What were the biggest culture shocks? Any regrets? What do I need to know that no one tells you?

Also, please reassure me that I won’t have to live off terrible coffee and weird chocolate for the foreseeable…

My friend is an American, has lived here 17 years. She went home regularly but COVID put a halt to that in recent years. Her intention was to always move back on retirement.
She went back summer gone for a couple of months and has decided she no longer wants to live there. Trump is a big factor but she said the cost of living is crazy high, real estate is off the charts. She has said she will never travel there again and still stands by that month's after her trip. She was very disillusioned with the place.

She was living in a 'make do' house over here but is now looking for a forever home, so certain is she that she will never go back.

The comment about flying back to the UK if in need of an abortion is a good one...to an extent. What happens in a medical emergency though when you're unfit to fly and need an abortion to save your health & life? It isn't hyperbole to point out that women are dying or being charged in some states even for medically necessary terminations.

Things are hard going in the UK atm and unrelenting, the positive American attitude is hugely appealing so with the right relocation package I would find it hard to turn down.

BUT...it's a big but: the political situation.

I also think your experience of living their will be vastly different your husband's so I wouldn't consider it unless you can honestly say yours is a marriage of equals and not one where your wishes and desires play second fiddle to his and his career.
Is there a way back for you and your children if your marriage goes tips up?

If it's long term, you have to think about your DC's college education and set money aside for that. Does the state have a good state university? What kind of scholarships could they access? Is it better value than sending them to study in the UK (bear in mind that you lose eligibility for home student fees if you don't live in the UK for the last 3 years of school).

Based on this, I think you need tomwork put your total income as a couple here vs your income there. Deduct money for a healthcare plan, do a foodshop online (secret mode on your phone gets around the weird filters that stop you), get a number on it.

Any extra help you'll need because you won't have anyone to leave kids with or dh will need to work more depending in how much vacation time he gets (and may not want to spend it travelling)

Then add on flights home for how ofterln you want your kids to go and see your family.

Make sure you are married (assume you are already and you arent using Dh as shorthand).

Discuss and consider what would happen to kids if you broke up - would you stay living there? Would you be entitled to legally? You presumably don't want to leave them in the USnl if it goes south. Presumably DH wouldn't want them there either if he is working full time and has noone to look after them.

Just ask DH to slow down and think hard. And you need to as well. Right now he wants this so badly that he will promise you the moon on a stick, but in 2 or 3 years, he may be less sympathetic if you and the kids aren't happy but you're already there. He may resent going home to see family for every holiday. There may be a culture of expectation for you to play wife. Will you be entitled to work? If not then you have far less opportunities to make friends and actually build a life, you will always depend on him and have no pension building. Will you and he draw up a financial agreement like a pre nup before leaving? Can you get divorced in the USA and what are settlements like? Don't move anywhere that appears to have a clear bias for the man.

Consider joining some local Facebook groups in the area, just to get a flavour for the people and day to day living.

Yes. This happened and will happen again @BeMoreAmandaland

https://www.indystar.com/story/news/health/2024/08/29/an-ectopic-pregnancy-emergency-goes-wrong-due-to-obgyn-hospital-closure/74542823007/

Yes I do @thrifty24 Members of Congress are being denied entry to the Department of Education. Headline in the NY Times today.

Elon Musk can get in, but not elected representatives. It was the fourth agency this week that federal employees blocked congressional Democrats from entering amid a push to shutter government agencies and dramatically cut the federal work force.

No official explanation was given for the refusal of entry, and lawmakers grew more agitated at the arrival of armed federal officers.

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/02/08/us/politics/trump-department-education-democrats.html?unlockedarticlecode=1.vk4.XAks.u5hNad9RIhBZ&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare

*there

(Too late to edit and its annoying the hell out of me)

I've always fancied it when I was younger but I wouldn't now because of Trump and Elon.

I especially wouldn't move to Indiana or Ohio. They are both very conservative. In Ohio Nazis are going around in groups shouting which may lead to violence. I know of someone in Indiana who despite evidence still believes Trump will save her from the poor people. She is the poor people. Guns worry me and the cost of healthcare

If it were a city like New York then maybe but not whilst those two are in charge.

What an exciting opportunity for you all. Go and experience it. It doesn’t have to be forever

People should read the work of Robert Reich, the former secretary of the Department of Labour in the States under Presidents Ford and Carter.

https://open.substack.com/pub/robertreich/p/doge-poop?r=f23ni&utm_medium=ios

I want you to imagine that your private data is the hands of teenage hackers employed by Musk in Doge, as well as all the ability to stop/give government payments. Your child benefit, your state pension, the salaries of the civil servants, all in the hands of Elon Musk.

Yes, the judge stopped it…temporarily.

This is a coup. It isn’t one of overt violence, it is one of technology.

Musk also cut $4bn off the medical research funding budget on Friday. This aligns to a man an academic friend of mine who says a lot of his American academic peers are looking to leave.

If you’ve never been to these places then you are not in a position to comment. They are actually very nice places and on an expat package will be smooth as far as living arrangements go.

Honestly I’m tired of reading comments from people that get their news about America from the Guardian. Why not listen to people who’ve actually lived in the Midwest and can speak from direct knowledge?

The OP did say it's a long term move so it's worth considering what the potential long term prospects are for the country. It's genuinely hard to see right now as this government seems so intent on a kind of revolution or at least a drastic break from the last 50 years.

Yes, like me. I can also say that despite its good points, I would not want to live in NYC at all - I've felt by far the least safe there. The subway gives me the creeps nowadays and I've travelled a lot and not creeped out easily. Mind you, I got into a properly hairy situation in Paris recently too. Give me the Midwest any day over that.

Yes. Academic freedom is also going to disappear. You can use elimination of DEI to justify about any suppression of research. This is a coup, and people haven’t realised yet.

I lived in the Upper Midwest for five years. My mom was born there, and I have family there. This is my experience of Indiana. I was driving through the state to go to a conference in my VW beetle. I had a bumper sticker on my car with a quote by Charles Darwin. I stopped off at a gas station (petrol station) to fill up, and a guy comes out of his pickup, strolls over (his truck had a gun rack with guns), and said what the hell was that sticker for, accused me of being a Christian hater, and told me to get the hell out of the state, or else, and he pointed to his guns.

Bloomington Indiana is Ok because of the University, and I have colleagues there, but I wouldn’t live in Indiana. I also taught at a university in the USA whose biology for non majors didn’t mention evolution so there would not be complaints. This was in the 1990s.

Exciting to live in a country where the President supports ethnic cleansing of the Palestinians from their homeland?

Yeah I am getting a bit tired of the posters who keep claiming that anyone who doesn't think the move is a good idea has no experience of living in the US and get all their news from the guardian.

Plenty of people on this thread have experience and are commenting from that

Maybe because past experience of living in the Midwest is not necessarily a guide to what it would be like now living there under a Trump presidency?

Sure but plenty are not speaking from experience at all or using lazy stereotypes that are very out of date. I don’t think these are helpful in making a decision.

I had also given my thoughts and they weren’t 100% positive either but I had given pros and cons to specifically Midwest living.

Like, it’s not a thread to America bash. Plenty of those elsewhere on the site if that’s what you want to do 🤭

i would also recommend a family meeting where you each crystallise what you want to get out of the move. Create a vision board for each family member that they will own, focus on and work towards.

unfortunately, such a big move will require you to take a massive risk and leap of faith in you and your family. But you know higher the risk the greater the reward, but go in knowledgable and open eyed, you will have to overcome many challenges, remove obstacles and support each other when you stumble.

it requires a great belief in yourself, deep grounded confidence and extremely high perseverance and tenacity.

so in summary if you believe and know you are a rock star in your chosen career path, and have a stubborn ‘dog with a bone’ approach you will do gr8.

no company wants the cost of relocating Mr or Mrs average, they will want payback 10 fold.

The experience will change you all.

what I miss most about the USA is the ‘can do’ attitude OR ‘build it and they will come’ they have a ‘go get’ attitude. Whereas I find the UK culture very self limiting, cautious and full of people who have a million and one reasons of why you should not do something. Dont stand on the sidelines, get on the pitch and become part of the game.

I agree and I don't think I have America bashed in this thread but some posters are basically saying "if you aren't cheerleading the OP to go, it's because you're ignorant about the US" when the reality is that it's quite a nuanced decision and there are a lot of pros and cons

I left my country when the Department of Homeland Security was gearing up, with its attendant loss of civil liberties—things changed in the USA after 9/11. People got fearful. This was over 20 years ago. I was also tired of the obscene materialism, the work all hours culture, the increasing violence. Nothing like having a heavily armed state trooper pull you over for doing 5 mph over the speed limit in a speed trap to make your day, or hearing about a high school where friends of yours went being subject to a school shooting. Or the local news reporting who was murdered that day.

This is normalised in the States. You can live in a little suburban bubble and try to ignore it, but it is there, and the deity help you if you stray outside it. When I went to Chicago, the hotel gave me a map, and told me where no-go places were due to armed gang activity.

People told me how silly I was, that the USA was the greatest country in the world, etc, etc. Making that move away to the UK was the best thing in the world I did. I love the fact no one is carrying guns in the UK, that you all have speed cameras, that kids can go to school safely here. I’ll even put up with your grey weather and Barbour jackets that smell like candles, and the different spellings of words :-)

But Trump! Musk! Americans are running around with trays on their head! Anyone who voted Democrat is going to be deported, or forced to live in the cellar.
Musk will order book burnings next, and the only cars allowed to be sold will be cyber trucks! Interracial marriages will be banned!

I’ll agree that I miss that can do attitude as well, When I grew up there many moons ago, there was an optimism that was wonderful.