Moving to the US – Am I Bonkers?

[keithmoo]

DH has just been offered a job in the US, and it’s a really good opportunity – more money, career progression, and all that jazz. It would mean uprooting the DC (6 and 3) and moving to a completely new country, which is giving me the absolute fear. We’d likely be going to a mid-sized city in the Midwest (think Ohio/Indiana sort of area), which I know very little about apart from what I’ve seen in films – which I assume isn’t entirely accurate!

Has anyone done this? What’s the reality of life in the US as a Brit? I’m worried about things like healthcare (I’ve heard horror stories), schooling (seems like it varies wildly), and just generally settling in. Also, I’m a bit concerned about making friends – I’ve heard Americans can be friendly but in a surface-level way, and I don’t want to be stuck in some weird expat bubble.

Would love any advice from those who’ve made the move. What were the biggest culture shocks? Any regrets? What do I need to know that no one tells you?

Also, please reassure me that I won’t have to live off terrible coffee and weird chocolate for the foreseeable…

I think you missed the key point of my post - that there is huge variety in this country. I posted about my direct experience in state school in the DC suburbs. There is no single US state education system experience, it varies much more than the British system. I was educated in the UK through post-graduate, my kids experience is light years better (as was my own second postgraduate experience in a US university).

Does that mean all US education is better than UK? Of course not, US education is dreadful in many states. That was my point. OP needs to investigate what she is actually looking at in her proposed location, not take advice from people talking about the role the Bible plays in US education (err, none in my kids schools but I’m not in Indiana).

I can compare a close friend’s kids who are the same age as mine. They are in state school in a decent size UK city. Their school is considered good, not outstanding but good. Their general knowledge is poor, their math is about 18 months behind my 12 year old’s, their Spanish is nonexistent and they aren’t doing 3 sports after school or learning to debate or giving speeches to big audiences. My view is that makes my kids education light years ahead.
But I’m sure you’ll disagree because you once saw a tv show about education in Mississippi or somewhere like that.

Agreed. I can understand not being a fan of Starmer but, come on. It's laughable.

Still, at least it makes it easier to filter out the truly hard-of-thinking.

So if you want to walk safely, make sure that it's in your town?

Give me an hour watching unobtrusively at an intersection and see how many I spot.

Nope, I replied to you, but thanks.

I’m well aware hence my post clearly stating:
“But DC suburbs life is very different to Indiana or Ohio (have family there).”

I am absolutely not wrong about my experience of US healthcare and education. Not am I under any illusion that my experience is everyone’s experience. I think I was quite clear about that in my post.

@JoyousGreyOrca how so? Can you back up your comment as to why the people the poster tagged in your opinion are more or less stupid than Trump supporters? Genuinely interested

10 years ago I would’ve very happily moved to the US. Nowadays, not a chance in hell.

Insane politics, food that wouldn’t even be legally classed as edible in the UK, guns, police brutality, general civil unrest, batshit healthcare system with doctors who only care about profit, have to drive everywhere as no public transport or walkable routes, poor schooling in comparison to the UK.. I could go on!

And to clarify, your comment
I generally cannot understand all of the posters who simply comment reply Trump and then This! Unless you have experienced living in the country, which it's clearly many have not, it's such a sweeping generalisation and it screams to me of unhappy Brits hating UK life

I think you underestimate how quickly America can become a fascist state. I am not comfortable with Elon Musk meddling in the Treasury and making Nazi salutes. It seems pretty concerning to me. I lived in both places and am a dual citizen and it is heartbreaking seeing what is happening in the States from abroad.

Why on earth would you split your children from their father.

It sounds like a great opportunity. Yes there is trump but look at England! It’s hardly thriving is it. It’s a great opportunity for your DC to experience a new culture. Life is for living and adventure.

Seriously? Most US parents live in fear of school shootings.

With small children the healthcare is a massive issue- it should be included in the job, but will have plenty of co-pays.
If it was me, my main concern would be that I would never see my DH- work hours and culture are brutal. My brother moved there 30 years ago and regularly worked 60 hour weeks- and don't expect more than a few days off a year, and they are often unpaid.
Education is a big concern also American students are generally at least 2 years behind UK students and are much less prepared for the move into higher education-as most of their exams are multiple choice.
Moving to a different country is always a massive shock- but can be a positive experience, culture shocks are inevitable.
The main thing is to factor in much longer working hours- having to pay towards health and education, and a far smaller holiday entitlement into your calculations of how good the salary being offered is, also groceries cost on average around a third more and the quality of the food is lower.
The political climate is not a major concern when considering a move like this, but it does have to be considered- the US is more inward looking all the time, so being an outsider could be awkward.

The US a wonderful country in all kinds of ways. However, moving to any country as a family needs to be approached with caution. Do you have any interest in living in the US, would you be able to get a job there, would you be OK with living there permanently if this turned into a permanent move, is your marriage stable and do you trust your DH completely?

If your marriage were to break down and your husband wanted to stay, the Hague convention means that a local judge would most likely rule that the kids' primary residence is now considered the US, meaning they'd have to stay. You'd face a choice of staying in the US with them (possibly against your wishes) or returning to the UK without them and losing them. Grabbing them and running back to the UK would probably be considered kidnapping and a UK judge would order you to return them to the US.

The "Hague mother" issue is a massive problem, and should be clearly understood by any women who is considering a "fun short term move" to another country with her family.

DD’s best friend went to college in the US on a sporting scholarship - she said that in freshman year they were effectively studying GCSE level material and observed that a huge amount of students have issues with very basic things like spelling as they just aren’t taught properly.

Um, I wasn't referring to you in particular 😅The majority of posters on MN are UK based and as there are always pages of people running down UK life on almost weekly threads I would imagine they are people who live there!

You're welcome. I hope the rest of it goes smoothly for you.

Yeah, I think it seems people are too quick to just want to slander Trump without really looking into the stats and figures.

Not a fan of his, but right now his focus being on illegal migration and undocumented migrants doesn't at this moment impact legal migration and he has shown previous intent to increase employment migration.

@Patterncarmen understand how people can be anxious but come on now, do you really think USA will become a fascist state? It would serve itself no favours in doing so. I return to my argument that whilst the current government is highly unfavourable (to a large percentage of Americans) it won't impact the OP who will likely spend a few years if that in the country. Generally I think people are not understanding the perspective here and just jumping in with the vast majority probably having never lived in the US.

Don't do it. Not worth sacrificing your mental health and that of your children for a few more $$

No they are not stupid. They just don’t happen to agree with you.

Please don't make life changing decisions based on a bunch of mumsnetters who have probably never stepped in the US and are brainwashed by CNN and MSNBC. Just the blasé dismissal of all the possible perks because of "trump" shows their level of thinking. Most of this lot probably voted for Starmer and are shitting themselves about the impending changes to benefits and disability living allowance. If you are concerned, maybe send your DH there first and let him check out the place and get himself settled. Then follow him if things sound good over there.

Good luck to you and your family OP, whatever you decide, and congratulations to your dh 🥂

I have read the first few pages, not all 17 - some thoughts for me.
I have lived in other countries and have loved the diversity, the challenges and the opportunities...HOWEVER, given the changes that have occurred in the US, some serious considerations -what would you do if you fell pregnant accidently? what would you do if the pregnancy was not viable with your health? will the US attitutues with this sit with your own views?

Are you christian and do you go to, are you happy to go to church regularly ( this may be important depending on where you are going to live),etc... it is all these questions I would be asking. There are a few more questions given the current environment, but you get the gist. For me the answer would be no, not now. Potentially in a year or so when the fall out from the new regime has setteld and you can see which way things are going overall.

Most of this lot probably voted for Starmer and are shitting themselves about the impending changes to benefits and disability living allowance.

Oh look, another one.

I can't give our latest #s because MMWR has been shut down for 2 weeks. It reopened but there is not one mention of H5N1 flu. There's multiple reports of large amounts of dead birds from places as varied as Ct and Chicago.

I'm now watching a train wreck going on. Elon Musk and his team have been going onto vital institutions and breaching what should be protected data. He's been barred from the Treasury Dept for now.

Hyperbole my ass. You don't live in the US but I do. You bet I voted for Kamala Harris. She made mistakes in her campaign but Jan 6 showed us what we are dealing with it and we are seeing it play out. I don't like Nazis and white supremacists and right wing christofascists and I really don't like them in government, especially when they are so poorly qualified.

Have you read some of the posts on MN? They very much scream that the UK education system is badly failing some people. Those of you in a little middle class bubble not so much maybe.

Education is controlled locally in the US, at District level. The state can mandate certain courses for state recognition of graduation.

The states are prohibited by the First Amendment from creating an established religion or favoring one religion over any others. Attempts to have Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Confucian or any other religion, or religion based views taught in schools will be challenged in the courts.