Moving to the US – Am I Bonkers?

[keithmoo]

DH has just been offered a job in the US, and it’s a really good opportunity – more money, career progression, and all that jazz. It would mean uprooting the DC (6 and 3) and moving to a completely new country, which is giving me the absolute fear. We’d likely be going to a mid-sized city in the Midwest (think Ohio/Indiana sort of area), which I know very little about apart from what I’ve seen in films – which I assume isn’t entirely accurate!

Has anyone done this? What’s the reality of life in the US as a Brit? I’m worried about things like healthcare (I’ve heard horror stories), schooling (seems like it varies wildly), and just generally settling in. Also, I’m a bit concerned about making friends – I’ve heard Americans can be friendly but in a surface-level way, and I don’t want to be stuck in some weird expat bubble.

Would love any advice from those who’ve made the move. What were the biggest culture shocks? Any regrets? What do I need to know that no one tells you?

Also, please reassure me that I won’t have to live off terrible coffee and weird chocolate for the foreseeable…

British, but live in another European country, so so many Americans moving here, so many desperate to get out of America the last few years, all young families, all citing the same reason-guns in schools/safety etc
There’s not a chance i’d move there with my dd

Have you checked health insurance package through his work? Usually they will include family but make sure as otherwise that will be a cost to factor in.
Generally in the US housing is cheaper but food and clothing is more expensive than the UK so look up some prices before agreeing to his wage too, it may sound like more but not go as far day to day.
Also check the area out properly. Some areas are lovely, some are quite dangerous.

I'm sure it's been said but mumsnet have a Living Overseas thread.

You can do a search in it and get a much better overview from Mumsnetters who made the jump and what has changed over time in various locations. It's a massive country - I would say the choice of state will make a biggest difference to your experience rather than simplistic "healthcare" or "guns"

It’s a big country with huge variety in experiences. I live in the DC suburbs. I know barely anyone with a gun, barely any republicans and no one here has ever asked me which church I belong to.

My kids education (in public schools) is light years ahead of what I see my friends kids and family members receiving in Uk state schools. They have incredible opportunity at school, every kid does multiple sports and their class size is 19 (elementary) and 26 (middle). They don’t have bullet proof backpacks not does anyone I’ve met. They do have active shooter drills at school, and hurricane, tornado, earthquake drills too. I wish they didn’t.

Our healthcare is outstanding, I can talk to any of our doctors same day every time. I had 2 babies here and an abortion (medical reasons) - the abortion happened the day after I scheduled it and I was able to choose surgical over medical with no issue. I have visited many British maternity wards, not sure I’d say third world but definitely pretty awful in comparison. But, yes, good healthcare costs money, you need to factor it in. And if you’re moving to Ohio, abortion right is enshrined in the state constitution as voted for in November 2023 (if that matters to you).

But DC suburbs life is very different to Indiana or Ohio (have family there). My advice would be to visit, talk to people (ideally expats) who have moved there, look at houses, visit schools (we visited half a dozen schools before we bought a house).

I’d use the advice on here to guide your questions and thinking, but there is a lot of anti-US sentiment on here and ultimately experiences vary hugely (as posts on here have already shown).

There are times I’ve wished I was in the UK, there are times when I feel so lucky to live here - there’s no right answer / “best place”

Lived in the USA for 10 years and raised my kids there. Fantastic opportunity and made lots of friends. Overall it was great but we were in New York State with liberal, well educated people. I would be very cautious of going to any of the Southern or Mid-West states right now while the Orange maniac is running wild.

That would be a massive no from me. I’ve stayed there (AZ) for only 6 months and I loved it but I was v young with no responsibilities. I could never go there with Trump in power and Healthcare is a potential nightmare. if I had no choice but to go it would be East Coast (or West Coast at a push).

There are large numbers of innocent people in prison in America. You can be accused of a crime far worse than anything a reasonable person would say you could be guilty of. You will be told that if you admit to a lesser offense then you will get a lesser sentence. Your lawyer may tell you it's in your best interests to admit to the lesser crime. You may be so terrified of spending many years in an American prison that you admit to a crime you have not committed.

Happens all the time in America. Mostly to Latinos and African Americans but it happens to more privileged people too.

Yes. There is practically an industry on Substack of people advising Americans how to get the heck out and relocate to the Continent.

As to the vaccinations business upthread, well, do you think RFK as health secretary is going to result in a marvellous vaxx programme? He is as anti vaxx as they come…There have been measles outbreaks because Americans don’t want to give their children childhood vaccinations. What’s next, a polio epidemic?

As we speak there are moves to destroy the Department of Education, OSHA (which offers protection for workers), roll back environmental protection. Musk is making Nazi salutes and trying to get his claws into the Treasury Department. The USA is posed for fascism, right now. Democracy is being threatened, right now.

There is no way I’d move there now, but if you are going to do it, be prepared. I’d rather take the UK in all its doldrums than entertain being under a fascist government.

Ignore this rubbish. Obviously written by a Conservative voter

Did you know that guns are the leading cause of death for children in the US?

That’s utterly insane and I would never bring my children up there.

Then you have the Trump issue. Just no.

@keithmoo personally, I think it’s a crazy decision. It’s such a violent, punitive and controlling society (despite American’s erroneous belief that they live in the best country in the world, land of the free etc) when compared to the UK and many other countries. The number is guns and the level of gun crime is enough. Children as young as preschool have to learn ‘active shooter’ protocols in school😮 The Police are aggressive first, polite later - handcuffing people to talk to them when they don’t even have a reason yet to assume they have committed a crime. The right of women to choose whether, or not to continue a pregnancy (even in cases of rape or incest against a child) is being swept away. This, calling it ‘pro-life’ despite most US citizens being in favour of the death penalty and this despite the appallingly unequal legal system.

Then there is Trump!

I couldn’t live there myself, but I’d be horrified to put children into a school there. There is more to life than money.

AIUI the Federal Government contributes around $2500 per pupil to public schools, and if Trump succeeds in destroying the D of E that will be coming - in some form - from State or Local taxes.

That means that currently the effect of that change cannot be determined with certainty.

Hence my suggestion that a pause until things slow down a little would be wise.

I've made this point, so I'll leave it there - wishing the best to the OP.

We have wealthy friends who live there in Northern California and have an apartment in Chicago and a weekend place house the shores of a lake. He is British, she is American. He hates most Americans (excepting his wife and her parents and brother), avoids them as much as possible and would come back here like a shot. She hates English weather and was absolutely miserable living in London.
He only lives there because of her. Where they have homes are wealthy enclaves and the California and lakeside house are on spacious plots in semi-rural, beautiful areas - he spends his time walking and cycling and making music. Hates the medical system, the political system, find Americans small-minded and narrow of thought, self-protectionist and says violence us never far away.
Told me this week he'd come home tomorrow.
Me, I hate the UK and almost everything it now stands for.

Your eldest is school age and id be really concerned about gun control

"i wouldn’t live in the Midwest personally but I’m a coastal snob 🤷‍♀️."

I have mixed feelings about this. I'm British but have family who live in Nebraska. I really enjoy visiting there and I could easily see myself retiring there.

But, I sort of agree, if I had grown up there then I'm sure that I would have been out of there the day I graduated from high school. (I did a similar thing here in the UK and moved to London). Although I'm obviously wildly out of date, I would imagine it being much like a modern day version of "American Graffiti" (a film from 50 years ago).

But, with maturity, I do now recognise the benefits that come from living in a small town.

"...but I’m a coastal snob 🤷‍♀️."

I don't know if this counts but, for several years, we lived about 100 miles north west of NYC.

Perhaps that sounds great? But is was Scranton, PA. Believe me, there are many places that are not so great on the coast compared to the mid west.

[EDIT]

"food is more expensive here than UK"

Forgot to say. OMG, I totally agree with you here. I really cannot believe how much more expensive food is in the US compared to here.

I would seize this opportunity like a shot.

I agree with every word of this.

At least she won't have to put up with men in frocks in women's lavatories and changing rooms. Apparently EOs carry a lot of weight since almost all state run infrastructure receives Federal grants and if they do not comply with the EOs on men in women's sport, lavatories, changing rooms etc they will get no money - which means they comply.
Better than here, where a nurse is fighting a disciplinary because she objected to a transwoman i.e. a man, in the women's changing area where women get undressed.
That said, OP's DH should check the health care package that comes with the job and make sure it covers them all and is comprehensive with no get-out clauses. Health care is expensive.

A shot? How many school shootings last year?

New York, not sure which hospital.

Get your husband to check his employment contract carefully. If he’ll be under a US contract, be aware that their employment laws are very different to UK. DH works for an American company; they’re just cutting the workforce by 1,800. The US people have just gone - just a week PILON and some were on sponsored visas so they have no alternative but to return to their country of citizenship. Check the relocation amount too - you’ll need to buy new electrical goods as the voltage is different. We moved out for 4.5 years and returned 7 years ago. It gave me a new appreciation for UK. Making friends will be the easy part!

Um, you do know that right on red mean you stop at the light and only proceed to a turn if there is no oncoming traffic or pedestrian, right? It's exactly the same as making a left turn in the UK at an intersection except with the (legally enforceable) expectation that you stop first.

I think if it comes with the chance of US citizenship ultimately, then it’s worth considering. The majority of people in the U.K. are getting poorer year on year, and I think there is some reason for doubting that the current or even next government are going to be capable of turning it round.

The US is an enormous place and many states differ from each other so much in terms of culture and opportunity, that you might as well be treating say U.K. and France as being entirely the same, I don’t know anything about culture etc where you’d be located, but it’s worth finding out about before you jump in. You can of course establish what your likely outgoings will be and see if salary now and going forward make it worthwhile. Yes’m, of course healthcare is expensive, but if you can get it, it’s top notch.

Yes, while I think many of the above posts are ridiculously negative and scaremongering, Trump and the politics are a concern - but, Trump is an elderly man - he won’t be there forever. Nor do most American live in daily fear of being shot!

I'm Scottish and we have lived in different parts of the US over the last 20 years. New York/ Maine down to Texas over to Cali with a few other states thrown in short term. Honestly, I would go for it. Your DC are young and will adapt. It's such a nice lifestyle, very outdoor focussed, social clubs, most apartments have pools which is such a nice way to spend an evening with friends grilling.

I'll try counter the negatives posted above. Yes healthcare is fundamental, your OH should have good coverage but you need to know what it looks like. I had gold star healthcare and was still charge up front 3k for something minor (was fine I knew I would get it back but still...) I don't think taxes have been mentioned, again, your OH employer should take care o this but as an accountant I have seen this go wrong and will tell you the US Inland Revenue are a lot harder than HMRC, you need to get this right. Would second the question as to whether you will be eligible to work? Very isolating without a network / friends if not. That said I met my friends in the gym / bars as there is no sense of let's go for one after work because everyone drives, the poster above who said there is a surface level friendship is so so accurate and this toon me a while to figure out. It was cheaper to out than in, made me out on weight and that took a while to dial back.

I generally cannot understand all of the posters who simply comment reply Trump and then This! Unless you have experienced living in the country, which it's clearly many have not, it's such a sweeping generalisation and it screams to me of unhappy Brits hating UK life

I was born there and lived there till I was nearly 40 in four different states. I don’t think the possibility that the USA will become a fascist state should be underestimated. Plus I am much, much happier in the UK. The quality of life is much better, and that is a different thing than how much money I could make