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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Moving to the US – Am I Bonkers?

877 replies

keithmoo · 08/02/2025 16:28

DH has just been offered a job in the US, and it’s a really good opportunity – more money, career progression, and all that jazz. It would mean uprooting the DC (6 and 3) and moving to a completely new country, which is giving me the absolute fear. We’d likely be going to a mid-sized city in the Midwest (think Ohio/Indiana sort of area), which I know very little about apart from what I’ve seen in films – which I assume isn’t entirely accurate!

Has anyone done this? What’s the reality of life in the US as a Brit? I’m worried about things like healthcare (I’ve heard horror stories), schooling (seems like it varies wildly), and just generally settling in. Also, I’m a bit concerned about making friends – I’ve heard Americans can be friendly but in a surface-level way, and I don’t want to be stuck in some weird expat bubble.

Would love any advice from those who’ve made the move. What were the biggest culture shocks? Any regrets? What do I need to know that no one tells you?

Also, please reassure me that I won’t have to live off terrible coffee and weird chocolate for the foreseeable…

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Mnetcurious · 08/02/2025 19:46

Trump and mass shootings (incl frequency of school shootings) would be dealbreakers for me.

PermanentTemporary · 08/02/2025 19:46

Ohio abortion rights aren't too bad. Indiana not so much. I might bear that in mind in where to live because I'd think that there would be fewer gynaecologists working in a state with restrictive rights. (Bear in mind that abortion rights in large areas of the US are much more liberal than UK rights, it's just that we operate on a pragmatic basis).

The bloated corrupt Putin-loving demented self promoter in the White House is an issue of course. But yes, I'd go. An amazing adventure.

Clafoutie · 08/02/2025 19:47

Rocksaltrita · 08/02/2025 16:58

I don’t think it’s all doom and gloom. My experience of living there and giving birth there was great. We had excellent health insurance and never had an issue with a number of serious conditions over the years, as well as lesser things like Invisalign being covered under dental insurance. I certainly felt better cared for than I do here, with an NHS GP where appointments are like gold dust.

I think you really need to do your research into visa types, if you can work or if you’ll be a dependent, if relocation costs and housing are covered, what your pensions will look like, residency rights, potential green card sponsorship etc. Will the company ship you home at the end of the contract? Will they pay for a shipping container (more likely than air freight)? That’s going to be a minimum of £10K if not, likely closer to £15K now. Are flights included for yearly visits home? Will they cover private school fees for your DC?

Trump - well, he’s Trump. I lived there when he was in power first time round and also under Obama. Day to day nothing really changed for us. With decent health insurance and a good salary, your standard of living can be a lot higher than the UK, people are aspirational and less accepting of the shit that makes the UK what it is today - poor services, a rundown NHS and school buildings etc. falling apart. That said, there is zero safety net if something goes wrong but in reality, that’s quite unlikely given the company are transferring your DH. I wouldn’t necessarily turn it down because of all the Trump scare-mongering. Equally, whilst we heard of the odd shooting, I felt safer walking around the city we were in than I do in parts of London.

I’m not sure it is a good idea to compare Trump’s first term with what is happening now. This Trump administration is very different, everything is being set up so that there is little or no opposition and, as we are already seeing, at the moment institutions, the media, even the justice department are all too afraid, too spineless, or too focused on their on interests to present any sort of opposition. I think the OP would be mad to consider moving there just now.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 19:48

I've lived in the midwest for decades.

I echo the thoughts of @Rocksaltrita.

A lot of your experience will depend on the city you're living in (as with the UK, there are huge differences among localities).

That being said, most cities boast good public facilities - libraries, public pools, parks, rinks, tennis courts, basketball courts, soccer fields, baseball fields, etc. Most cities have a sense of civic pride that you don't really see in the UK on a widespread basis. People are 'neighbourly' - there are block parties, neighbourhood progressive dinners, people hang out in backyards, invite neighbours for BBQs, help shovel snow, organise meals for you when you come home with a newborn, etc. You don't have to worry about gangs of youths partying in the local parks every weekend. Teens dont spend their evenings wandering the streets. In many places, you won't see graffiti. In many respects, the US is an extremely civilised place to live.

You need to ask the employer if you'll be sponsored with a visa that permits you to work.

Ask about longer vacations to facilitate travel back to the UK.

Ask someone in the company's HR dept to walk you and your H through all the sectiinsnofnthe health insurance package and to explain all the fine print. A long zoom call would be necessary for this. Leave no stone unturned. Ask every question that pops into your head. There is no such thing as a stupid question and it is very important to understand your coverage.

Look up median and average income in the city you'll be moving to. Your family income should be higher than the median and the average. You would probably need to buy, insure, and run two cars. You will need to pay for extracurricular activities for your children. You will need to keep a nice chunk of money in your bank to cover health insurance co-pays and out of pocket expenses. You will need to be able to afford flights to the UK and decent holiday trips in the US. If you opt to put a child in daycare or preschool, you will have to pay for this. Preschool (age 2 to age 4/5) is also fee-paying unless the local public school district offers a preschool option.

Initially, you will have no established credit, and you will need assistance getting utilities set up, getting phones/ broadband, proving to a landlord that you have the salary to afford the place you live in, etc. If you're serious about this move, get yourselves American Express cards and start using them frequently. The Amex card will help you establish credit history.

Look up areas of the city (and suburban areas) that have good public schools. There is a lot of data available on class sizes, expenditure per pupil, etc, in different school districts. You need to look up elementary school districts in the city your H's employer is based in. School registration requires residence in the district. School districts are strict about residence. The employer needs to offer help finding you an affordable home in an excellent public school district. Public schools are all free apart from a registration fee.

Private schools are all fee paying and include Montessori, Waldorf, country day schools, other independent schools, and religious schools. The latter are mainly Catholic parochial schools (and high schools), though there are Jewish and Lutheran elementary schools (and Lutheran high schools). The Episcopalian Church (equivalent of the CoE) generally doesn't run schools. Other denominations that run schools in various regions are Presbyterian, maybe some Baptists. Where I live, it's RC, Lutheran, and Jewish, plus Montessori schools.

Class sizes tend to be excellent in well-regarded school districts and in private schools. You can look up average class sizes online. Special ed tends to be good in public schools. Public schools are obliged by law to provide an appropriate education for everyone legally registered in the district. This includes making sure physical access is possible (school transport). In general, public school districts offer in-house assessment and diagnosis of SEN, and the process reads to be timely and efficient (and also free). In the public school district where I live, all students regardless of whether attending a public or private school can avail of SEN assessment via the district, and can also do speech and OT and other therapy via the public school district free of charge and with transport provided. One of my DDs (in a RC elementary) had a classmate who was picked up from the RC school twice a week and ferried by district bus to a public school to do speech and OT, then returned, at a cost of $0 to his parents.

All schools require proof of various vaccinations before children can attend. Each state has its own requirements that are available to see online.

Politically speaking, counties with sizeable urban areas tend to vote blue, even in red states. Some bluenstates are blue because of the blue vote of major urban areas (Illinois, for example). This might make a difference to your comfort level. You can look up the county voting result in the last election.

Joining in and introducing yourself until your face hurts from talking to people is the way to find friends. If you join a church, go to storytime in the local library, get your kids into T-ball or AYSO soccer, or some other organised community based sport, you will meet other young parents. Your neighbours will be curious about you and will say hello.

Kjtjery · 08/02/2025 19:50

You'll get less Annual Leave days

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 19:52

Also, wrt shooter drills - your children will do fire drills, tornado drills, and shooter drills.

Tornadoes are a far more present danger to everyone in the midwest than shootings. The sound of the monthly tornado sirens as they test the equipment is something you'll get used to.

Many schools in the UK do 'stray dog' lockdown drills too.

AliceInWonderland24 · 08/02/2025 19:52

Impossible to say without knowing what the package is vs your current one smd other admin things. I asssume it’s not an expat package? Are they paying moving costs plus offering a relocation bonus? What are you going to do wit the house? What is the healthcare package like - coverage, co-pay, etc. If it’s not a success and he gets fired - will they repatriate you or are you on your own? Is it easy to find a job back home if you don’t like it? If he doesn’t take this offer, is it a career limiting move? Will they pay for tax advice - your move might have impact on your ISAs, pension, etc. will they pay for getting a working visa for you? How sis is your marriage - if you split up you might be stuck there. Finally, when you say more money, how much more? It has to be LOT more to account for much higher COL in the US as well as travel back home etc.

JANEY205 · 08/02/2025 19:53

Neurodiversitydoctor · 08/02/2025 19:33

SIL had her baby in 2022 she went to the nursery overnight.

I’d be interested to know where they are. I don’t know of any hospitals that still have nurseries and we have family all over. Not everywhere tho obviously!! I’d have loved my baby to go to a nursery but the nurse instead stayed in my room for 4 hours tending to baby so I could get a sleep in. My first birth in the NHs I got left with zero support in a side room and they forgot to even feed me lol!

Worsthousebeststreet · 08/02/2025 19:54

Terrible place to be a woman or a child imo

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 08/02/2025 19:54

I HATED living in the US. I don't have enough time to list all the reasons but the biggest were:

• Fear of guns
• Fear of school shootings
• Violence
• The unending stream of "Omg you're British?!", "Omg are you from London?" (NO. I am not from London ffs) and my personal favourite "What part of Australia are you from?" 😳
• The shit drivers.
• The appalling Police.
• The appalling medical system and needing to spend hours on the phone, sometimes on multiple days (and $$$, despite having the gold standard of health insurance) just to get a basic prescription.
• Lack of overall safety.
•For some bizarre reason I cannot fathom, grocery shopping is eyewateringly expensive across the board, not just in the expensive states. Think several hundred dollars per week. Plus their food is not a patch on ours. We have laws here preventing many, many different additives being used in our food/drinks but they don't. So you'll find a loooong ingredient list on everything.
• Their bread contains sugar, eugh .
• They require you to do your own taxes.

I could go on & on....

allfurcoatnoknickers · 08/02/2025 19:55

I live in NYC and you couldn't pay me to move to Ohio or Indiana. So yes I think you're bonkers.

DdraigGoch · 08/02/2025 19:56

JANEY205 · 08/02/2025 19:08

Also the U.S. driving tests are scarily easy!! You will absolutely be able to drive out here and driving here is very straight forward. Turning right on red is something I’d sorely miss if we come back to England.

Yeah, easy driving tests and "right on red" are things that would put me off moving there. I like being able to walk places safely.

Goldenbear · 08/02/2025 19:56

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 19:52

Also, wrt shooter drills - your children will do fire drills, tornado drills, and shooter drills.

Tornadoes are a far more present danger to everyone in the midwest than shootings. The sound of the monthly tornado sirens as they test the equipment is something you'll get used to.

Many schools in the UK do 'stray dog' lockdown drills too.

Do they? Never heard of it and don't know anyone whose DC have partaken in such a drill!

Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with young people/teens meeting each other on a park or elsewhere. It is completely natural for young people to do stuff away from their parents.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 08/02/2025 19:57

@JANEY205 They have them at some of the big hospitals in NYC, but you have to ask for your child to be taken there, they don't just walk off with them.

DD went off to the nursery for her first bath and cuddles with the nurses while I had a nap, then they brought her to me when she was hungry.

I'm not sure why Mumsnet gets so het up about the idea tbh.

Shufflebumnessie · 08/02/2025 19:59

A friend of mine moved to Texas with her DH's job a couple of years ago (& had her first baby not long after). Her & her family love it there. They have a great community that has welcomed them with open arms, a fantastic social life & their house is like something out of a magazine but cost 1/4 if what it would in the UK.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 20:00

TheAmusedQuail · 08/02/2025 19:19

Exactly. Although I think you'll be able to source reasonable quality Swiss chocolate there. But if you're a tea drinker, take a 10 year supply of British tea with you. Their black tea is vile.

I buy my British tea in my local Walmart. It also stocks a huge variety of green teas and herbal teas.

I can get lots of different teas in the regular supermarkets here, too.

Steer clear of Target and the major national chains if you want to find decent tea and chocolate. I have several local chains that carry everything the expat from virtually anywhere could possibly need. Cheese, chocolate, various ham products, fruit, veg, baking supplies, Marmite...

Parker231 · 08/02/2025 20:03

Shufflebumnessie · 08/02/2025 19:59

A friend of mine moved to Texas with her DH's job a couple of years ago (& had her first baby not long after). Her & her family love it there. They have a great community that has welcomed them with open arms, a fantastic social life & their house is like something out of a magazine but cost 1/4 if what it would in the UK.

She’ll probably change her mind - Texas ranks poorly for education and access to healthcare. Does she have a daughter or son? Texas abortion laws are very anti women.

MidnightMusing5 · 08/02/2025 20:04

If it doesn’t work out, just come back?

Parker231 · 08/02/2025 20:05

MidnightMusing5 · 08/02/2025 20:04

If it doesn’t work out, just come back?

Not that easy if the marriage breaks down and her DH wants to stay.

Goldenbear · 08/02/2025 20:06

It seems a really odd time in history to make this decision.

MidnightMusing5 · 08/02/2025 20:06

Parker231 · 08/02/2025 20:05

Not that easy if the marriage breaks down and her DH wants to stay.

Fair point

godmum56 · 08/02/2025 20:12

You need to ask the employer if you'll be sponsored with a visa that permits you to work.
I am not sure if it still does,but when we went to NJ, it wasn't something the company could control. The State said no and that was that. The company DH worked for was globally massive with its HQ in NJ and had a lot of sway over other things.

Another2Cats · 08/02/2025 20:13

DeathStarCanteenGal · 08/02/2025 16:44

are you of an age where you might need reproductive healthcare? because there are obviously restrictions on abortion in parts of the US, so if this is something that could impact you think carefully.
I've had great times in America, but I also would want to live there with school age kids, just because I wouldn't want them to have to learn what to do if a gunman is in their school. But that's me

What? Are you trying to make out that women can't take the pill or otherwise be in control of whether they have children or not?

The OP is married with two children. I'm sure that she is perfectly capable of sorting this out for herself.

Beepbeepdash · 08/02/2025 20:15

I think it’s important not to underestimate how valuable having a support network is when you have kids.

It’s easy to romanticise the change but it rarely lives up to the dream/ expectation you have. A bit like how you imagine having a baby will be vs the actual reality of how life changes.not even paticularly close to my family but I would never want to be on a different continent.

The average US salary is double that of the Uk . Check the salary really is as lucrative as it seems.

MichaelandKirk · 08/02/2025 20:16

As if the UK are doing so well (not!)?

Labour are making a right old mess of everything.

Go, try it. You can always come back.