Difficulties with colleagues

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To feel like a complete outsider at work. Smallish team all women of late 40s/50s. I'm slightly younger. I accept that I don't have much in common with them but I am really ostracised by them and the manager who is also female and similar age to others and good friends with 2 of them. When I first started one of the original ogs accused me of something I didn't do and even though witnesses came forward to put her right, she kept escalating abd escalating the situation until mediators had to be involved and she was given a warning by hr.

Manager took her side and made me feel like I was cracking up, accusing me of causing trouble and trying to force me to apologise to my accuser which I refused to do as i hadnt done anything wrong. Looking back I think this was a mistake as I was seen as a problem and a trouble maker as the manager wouldn't acknowledge that I was falsely accused.
Now the women including manager go out for lunch without me, are going on holiday together (I overheard them talking about it) and generally making me feel like shit. I've tried to build bridges by being friendly etc but it seems that one after the other, they seem to have a problem with me until im at the point when I feel sick at the thought of going into work. My confidence has gone and although on the surface they are mostly polite to me, I see them giving me the side eye and smirking at each other. For various reasons, I can't leave the job at the moment but I do need some tips or suggestions on how to not let this get to me.

“it seems that one after the other, they seem to have a problem with me”

Why? What happens? Does one turn another against you? Or is it separate things that you have done? How many people are we talking about? Who were the witnesses who came forward to speak up for you when you were falsely accused? Can you be friendly with them? There are always some people (perhaps your manager is one of them) who will take against you for whatever reason, but not normally all of them.

One of them was speaking badly about another person and I asked them to stop. They started screaming at me and crying and said I had really upset them. Maybe I did but they were being vile about someone who didn't deserve it.
Another one 'grassed me up' to the manager when I made a comment about it how it was inappropriate and I was labelled a trouble maker again.
The witnesses who came forward were from another team but share our office space. They aren't in the office much so I was lucky they were when the incident happened.
I am always polite to them but when I try to be friendly, they have been known to physically move to another part of the office to get away from me.

Just over a year

No I've never had a problem with previous jobs and colleagues. In fact, I'm going out tonight with a group of women from my last job.

Start job hunting. I’ve been struggling for a year, similar situation with ostracising. Funnily enough I’ve been there 15 years and the company culture has changed around me. Having your guard up and constantly double guessing/ scrutinising boundaries and all the time going above and beyond my duties so there can be no criticism of my performance has left me utterly shattered. My last ally left last week and I’ve requested voluntary redundancy- they’ve asked me to think on it but if they refuse I’m taking sick leave until they kick me out.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I've considered counselling as I'm so floored by it all.
I keep receiving emails from manager about how I'm upsetting team dynamics but I honestly don't believe I'm doing anything wrong other than refusing to join in with the drama. Maybe I am the problem, I don't know, I think I need to talk to a counsellor. I hope you are well x

Sounds horrendous. I'd start job hunting but I'd also leave in blaze of glory and put in official complaints to HR first. They've essentially driven you from a job and threatened your livlihood several times.

The next time something like that second incident happened, maybe record it on your phone (not their faces but the voices) to cover yourself and incriminate them.

HR gave them a warning in the past too, so there's a record of them acting in a toxic way towards you - which will go in your favor.

All you can do is compartmentalise. Work is work.

Do your job well, be polite and surface friendly. Ignore the childish smirking and side glances.

Sadly you have to accept that these colleagues aren’t going to be your friends like your previous team.

Agree with looking for something else, but try that to get you through the days.

What is she specifically emailing you to say? What team dynamics?

I'd try and give her enough rope to hang herself.

That my asking colleagues not to talk about others is counter productive. Although I challenged positively, there was no need for me to challenge at all and it upset everyone and affected team dynamics

Thank you!
Funnily enough I’ve recommended this to many colleagues (different cohort!) and used them myself. It’s free very high quality coaching for MH issues at work, although you set the agenda.
https://able-futures.co.uk

Try to ignore them. Turn up on time, do your work as best you can, don't say anything about any of them or anyone else in the office. . Meanwhile, look for another job.
I experienced this twice in my long professional career. One was from a woman already in the team who had applied for my senior position and not got it. The other was exactly the same. Although it was very wearing and disheartening, I stuck both out out for eighteen months. My agency got me other jobs and I left. Best decision ever!

Thank you, I always had healthy mental health until now so this is useful thanks

If it's an established team that js very close then it's tough to integrate. You can't force them to go to lunch or holiday with you. You asking them not to gossip about people probably did disrupt them because that is what they are used to do.

I agree with PP, look for another job. It's going to be hard after a year to integrate and they'll just continue to exclude you. If it's out of work stuff then you can't really do much about it. Of course if it's in work like moving desks and rhat sort of thing, you can raise to HR.

I'm sorry you went through this but glad all is ok now.
Xx

Public sector by any chance OP?

Thank you, you're right. I don't think I'll ever fit in and at the moment, I'm not sure I want to.

Yes

They must be a sad case if they go on holiday with colleagues. (Basically people they're paid to be with). Don't they have any friends?
I started looking for a new job when a manager clearly had favourites. Life is too short.

Then you really need to tune out of the office gossip. It's not down to you to police it, however much you might want to, and feel it right to do so.

Your mistake was in challenging this person when you were a newbie. If you're going to step in in that way, it's only possible and productive if you are very well established, well liked, and preferably a layer above in the hierarchy.

Seriously, just put your head down and work, and tune out of any conversation that isn't directly to do with the task that you're doing.

I think in view of the fact that there's already been mediation in your favour I'd consider a formal grievance. This sounds like workplace bullying. Are you in a union? Does your company have access to counselling through occupational health or a self referral facility?

I'd be looking for another job. Also, if you intend to pursue this, forward emails you've received to your personal email, or print them out and keep them.

And the worst of it is, they bitch about each other behind their backs