Difficulties with colleagues

[Ereerenownow]

To feel like a complete outsider at work. Smallish team all women of late 40s/50s. I'm slightly younger. I accept that I don't have much in common with them but I am really ostracised by them and the manager who is also female and similar age to others and good friends with 2 of them. When I first started one of the original ogs accused me of something I didn't do and even though witnesses came forward to put her right, she kept escalating abd escalating the situation until mediators had to be involved and she was given a warning by hr.

Manager took her side and made me feel like I was cracking up, accusing me of causing trouble and trying to force me to apologise to my accuser which I refused to do as i hadnt done anything wrong. Looking back I think this was a mistake as I was seen as a problem and a trouble maker as the manager wouldn't acknowledge that I was falsely accused.
Now the women including manager go out for lunch without me, are going on holiday together (I overheard them talking about it) and generally making me feel like shit. I've tried to build bridges by being friendly etc but it seems that one after the other, they seem to have a problem with me until im at the point when I feel sick at the thought of going into work. My confidence has gone and although on the surface they are mostly polite to me, I see them giving me the side eye and smirking at each other. For various reasons, I can't leave the job at the moment but I do need some tips or suggestions on how to not let this get to me.

If it's public sector there'll be access to counselling.

I think you are right, it just felt like the right thing at the time. I'm not respected enough to challenge and it wasn't tolerated x

If it's OK with you @Ereerenownow I might message you.

I'm not sure if I'll have access...im not directly employed by public sector, sort of sub contracted doing surveys and developing technology

Keep record of emails and diary of any behaviour you think is inappropriate towards you. A former colleague had similar left put in an official complaint and claimed constructive dismissal. Work place settled with out court and manager left did us all a Hugh favour. Colleague happily settled in new job and had a promotion.

Well you sound lovely!😠

Tbf she has a point
They can do as they wish and you can't control others behaviour.
Keep out of things that don't involve you

Thank you, I've heard on the grapevine that the manager might be leaving. I think if this happens, the next in line is a man who I have vaguely known for years in the digital sector and he seems lovely...fingers are crossed

I never thought that people can do as they wish...not when it badly affects others. The person they were slagging off is an amazing woman who works hard and is always a positive influence in the department. Just didn't seem right and she would gave been devastated knowing she was being talked about like that

Sorry to read this OP. Sadly some women are just awful to other women .
If you've been there a year now I can understand you looking for another job. . that is probably for the best. Meanwhile I think you have to brazen it out. In public you try to kill them with kindness. Be polite, considerate and respectful. When they go low, you go high. All the while you keep your head down and concentrate on getting away from the crazy meanie -pants women you're currently stuck with. Good luck.

I think you need to job hunt and also pick your battles. You’re not unreasonable to want them not to talk about others etc but you’re not going to get anywhere by calling them out.

Thank you. It seems sad, as there aren't tons of women in this sector so not sure why we can't support each other. The oldest one is nearing 60 and said she might retire this year. This could bring in a fresh face which could be good.

Yeah ok that’s all very admirable but it’s not up to you to police what they talk about. I’d be irritated with you too.

Someone really close to me has issues with everyone they work with. There is a common denominator. But she can’t see it.

This is called mobbing. Mobbing is a specific type of bullying.

Are you in a union? Even if you don't I think you still have access to Employee Assistance Service and can have legal advice (but not representation) and counselling.

www.setfords.co.uk/2022/01/14/mobbing-in-the-workplace-your-questions-answered/#:~:text=Mobbing%20involves%20a%20group%20of,to%20bully%20a%20co%2Dworker.

Think this is true. We're in the office all day every day together so I do need to zone it all out. I'm not fussed on music but I might start listening to talking books while I work so I can't hear them

Well she was slagging this lady off to me..not sure what else I should have done

Yeah a grievance. that’ll fix it….😕

Try and have something outside work to look forward to at the end of each day, something that will keep you busy and distract you from thinking about work too much. eg meet friend for coffee, go swimming, gym, country walk, join evening class etc etc. When in work can you escape the office from time to time (long toilet break - do a few exercises while you're in there (perhaps develop IBS to justify the time), idle at the printer/photocopier if in another room. Are you allowed to wear earphones and listen to music? But the bottom line is you do need to find another workplace.

By stepping in you are entering the "game"
Look up Transactional analysis persecutor, victim, rescuer

You don't need to rescue others
Just say something neutral to close down the conversation-done
Them slagging off-you rescue and report- high drama-they thrive on drama, it's like oxygen to these people

Them- blah blah colleague blah
You- I've got to get on now
End conversation

Fair enough, I see where you are coming from

Yes I can get away for a break every hour and we are allowed to wear headphones so I will start listening to podcasts etc.

Surely that needs to be taken to HR?

You're clearly being bullied

No union, I suppose?

If she's being bullied at work it's an option open to her.

And unlike so many others I wouldn't have just ignored the conversations I heard either.