Difficulties with colleagues

[Ereerenownow]

To feel like a complete outsider at work. Smallish team all women of late 40s/50s. I'm slightly younger. I accept that I don't have much in common with them but I am really ostracised by them and the manager who is also female and similar age to others and good friends with 2 of them. When I first started one of the original ogs accused me of something I didn't do and even though witnesses came forward to put her right, she kept escalating abd escalating the situation until mediators had to be involved and she was given a warning by hr.

Manager took her side and made me feel like I was cracking up, accusing me of causing trouble and trying to force me to apologise to my accuser which I refused to do as i hadnt done anything wrong. Looking back I think this was a mistake as I was seen as a problem and a trouble maker as the manager wouldn't acknowledge that I was falsely accused.
Now the women including manager go out for lunch without me, are going on holiday together (I overheard them talking about it) and generally making me feel like shit. I've tried to build bridges by being friendly etc but it seems that one after the other, they seem to have a problem with me until im at the point when I feel sick at the thought of going into work. My confidence has gone and although on the surface they are mostly polite to me, I see them giving me the side eye and smirking at each other. For various reasons, I can't leave the job at the moment but I do need some tips or suggestions on how to not let this get to me.

I learned a very long time ago that work colleagues are NOT friends. We had a new female on our team during the time that I was having a very bad time at home. I always kept my home life and work separate but the situation was really upsetting me to the point that I actually looked ill. One particular day, the new person noticed and taking me aside she said she could tell something was wrong and I could trust her if she wanted to talk. BIG MISTAKE! I confided in her and found out three days later that she had shared my problems with other employees, one of which was so appalled he rang me and told me what she had done.

All hell broke loose but I was labelled the 'bad person' because I spoke out about her breach in confidence and made her cry! I wanted to fg kill her to be honest! I never trusted anyone again after that.

Start looking for a new job - these people aren't your friends and those that do associate together outside work only do so as they have a fear of missing out and think that others will be talking about them.

Well it might do if it is resolved in favour of OP who is clearly being excluded by all her colleagues. Toxic workplace behaviour should be challenged.

it will just get recorded somewhere and ignored, and it will get the backs of the colleagues up, the OP isn't going to magically be invited on the next holiday and swan off into the sunset with them.

There are ways of addressing gossip etc and ime ‘challenging’ or calling people out isn’t that effective and just plays into the drama.
If you really feel you have no option but to highlight it, then raise it to your manager or their manager as part of a one to one.
However I’d suggest rising above it as best you can. Do your work, smile pleasantly , have a selection of small talk that if necessary you can use if the conversation is bitching about someone else. Calmly wander off if you think you might get drawn into it. If A asks or comments directly about her so called friends B or C, and it’s unpleasant then again have some useful phrases to hand, ‘oh really, that’s sad to hear, I’ve always found her to be very professional’.
Be bland, calm, professional.
be self aware

This isn't going to get better and your mental health is only going to get worse. Forget a grievance. Look for another job, and then you can think about a constructive dismissal case once you're on the outside.

OP doesn't want to be friends with these awful people. She just wants them to be polite and professional, particularly the manager.

You are in a toxic team and it's wrong and it's vile. However you won't change it so sharpen up your CV and move on. They exist and too often comprise all women teams.

and a grievance will just mean they resent her and talk about about her more and make her life more difficult.

Keep records, including dated narrative to yourself about things that happen, and email them to yourself so the date is there on the email. When things happen, email your manager and send yourself copies. Record everything in written form. You have a case for a grievance here.

This is bad advice. You have more leverage within the employment, and there’s a very narrow window of time after the incident/series of incidents has taken place. Time is vital for lodging cases.

Hi Op I am a retired manager in the public sector. I am aware that you are employed by a sub contractor.
Frankly the people that you work with are worse than badly behaved children and as for your manager sending you an email about team dynamics unless she has concrete proof in my opinion this would not look good for her at a tribunal if it came to that.
If your company has an HR department then you should approach them chances are they may already be aware of these people.
Sounds similar to being intimated or dare I say it bullied.
Good luck OP

I worked in a place with a culture just like this once. And left. That level of enmeshment is just not getting fixed. I had to stay for a fixed period due to being attached to a particular project, but the day that funding finished was my final one.

I've been on holiday with colleagues before. I've also challenged behaviour against others- and when younger, probably been on the other side.

I am of the view that if people don't challenge things, it never will change. I am in a big corporate, and like my previous big corporate, we are given training on a respectful workplace and encouraged to challenge it. People do also need to blow off steam sometimes, but if it's getting bitchy and nasty, then it's stepping over a line.

However, challenging it doesn't always win you friends- people don't like having poor behaviour shown up. And in situations where people say, "someone should complain," if you're the one doing the complaining - they might thank you in the end, but they aren't there backing you up at the time when you do it. Still, it's my conscience I have to live with, not theirs.

In your case, I would work on updating my CV (probably doesn't need too much work, as you've only been there a year.) I would look at any available training that might be useful. I'd make sure I'm in a good position to move on. And then I might wait and see if the new manager comes in and see how things shake down. It may just be a rumour rather than reality- do you know for sure, yet?

Of course they do -then you are the target!
Ditto look out and listen to your colleagues who have MH issues etc
Nope that's not my job and it's how companies/ employers get away with doing nothing

Absolutely this
However the worst offenders IME were both men

I had similar. There's a phrase along the lines "Before you label yourself as depressed, look at those around you."
I saw my toxic workplace for exactly what it was.
Grey rock them and look for another job. There is literally no point whatsoever in doing anything to put it right where you are. They won't let you.

Unfortunately I think there is no fixthis. Start looking for another job. I agree with with Miss Deborah. All you accomplished was now they gossip about you as well. If this happens at your next job don't join the gossip. Excuse yourself and don't engage.

Totally unacceptable but very hard to change when the manager is so enmeshed with them. You need to find a new role away from them asap.

Leave.

It is a toxic environment. Life is too short. Sounds like they always need a 'victim' to bully. It's not you - it is them.

Get put of there, it's not worth your mental health.

This says it perfectly. It is not worth it. Leave and let them destroy each other. They will.

They’re an established (and toxic) clique all the way up to the boss. Put in a request for a move or find another job because you could be the loveliest person and the hardest worker, but will still be shat on by the boss and her acolytes. Been there, done that and got the hell out of dodge within a year. Twice. The bosses playing favourites are always women, sadly.

You must be miserable OP if you need to be in a workplace where you feel among friends.

The legitimate complaint you've had about something that materially affected your work has unfortunately made your work life more difficult.

But I'd disagree that 'calling people out' about general bitching or gossip is a good idea. It's a type of policing, although you don't see it like that. One main reason is that, as pp has said, it isn't your remit to discipline co-workers,

It's probably too late for you to have got on with any of these women or found out more about each other but 'calling out' the gossip you've described won't get you liked or included and more formal complaints aren't going to change that.

I agree with posters saying aiming to be neutral, do your work and go home will help - as you plan longer term to leave, you'll be much happier.

I'm not miserable thanks

This is really, really patronising. People can have a full personal life and still want to feel like they are among 'friends' at work yes probably only 'work friends' but it's still totally normal to want that. Don't insinuate the OP is lonely or needy for wanting to work in a pleasant atmosphere. Most of us don't want to be in a snake pit!