Difficulties with colleagues

[Ereerenownow]

To feel like a complete outsider at work. Smallish team all women of late 40s/50s. I'm slightly younger. I accept that I don't have much in common with them but I am really ostracised by them and the manager who is also female and similar age to others and good friends with 2 of them. When I first started one of the original ogs accused me of something I didn't do and even though witnesses came forward to put her right, she kept escalating abd escalating the situation until mediators had to be involved and she was given a warning by hr.

Manager took her side and made me feel like I was cracking up, accusing me of causing trouble and trying to force me to apologise to my accuser which I refused to do as i hadnt done anything wrong. Looking back I think this was a mistake as I was seen as a problem and a trouble maker as the manager wouldn't acknowledge that I was falsely accused.
Now the women including manager go out for lunch without me, are going on holiday together (I overheard them talking about it) and generally making me feel like shit. I've tried to build bridges by being friendly etc but it seems that one after the other, they seem to have a problem with me until im at the point when I feel sick at the thought of going into work. My confidence has gone and although on the surface they are mostly polite to me, I see them giving me the side eye and smirking at each other. For various reasons, I can't leave the job at the moment but I do need some tips or suggestions on how to not let this get to me.

Women can be cliquey compared to men and you're definitely on the outside now. Put emotion aside, get on with your work, AND do not try to befriend that group. And job hunt!

There are more neutral ways to shut people down, though. Just to be clear: this situation sucks and I’m sorry you’re in it. But you really do need to pick your battles to get through it.

For example, if you don’t want people to gossip to you then just be a really unsatisfying audience. Say you need to get on and turn back to your work.

@Ereerenownow I hope you don't get your hopes up by the thought of the elderly one retiring . I know sometimes a change in staff brings a new dynamic but the others could still be set in their original unkind ways. All the best 🙂

Sorry to hear what you’re dealing with. I have years of experience working in the public sector; central government and police. Managers manage no one because they don’t know how to. Nothing is done about bullying as long as it’s not them being bullied. They’ll throw anyone to the wolves including each other. No complaint will progress because they’ll sweep it under the carpet. They make up their own rules. Last place I worked they cracked on like the pandemic wasn’t even a thing and anyone who made a fuss about safety protocol was forced to resign. Toxic

Hi OP

There isn't an easy way to not let bullying affect you. Because they are bullying you. It's awful that they have ostracised someone for asking someone to stop them slagging off a colleague. Its good you've upset the team dynamics of bitching and backstabbing, those dynamics need changing!

I agree don't engage, don't get drawn in to any arguments or give opinions, stay non committal and try and leave if it doesn't get better.

The colleague who was bitching and when you pulled them up about it started screaming and crying, I must admit made me laugh. She for one sounds a bit of a fruit loop As for the rest bitching about each other then going on holiday together...well words fail me.
I left this weird toxic bunch yesterday.

@Ereerenownow

"Well she was slagging this lady off to me..not sure what else I should have done."

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing – although a very brave thing given how much grief these others are giving you.

I'm also the type of person who just cannot stand by and see injustice done / good people bad mouthed and will stand up for what I think is right, even if it means ending up the odd one out.

So I just want to say well done for what you did And good luck for the future. I hope this newer nice male boss takes over and the dynamic may change completely if this other woman retires. It does sound a really difficult environment at the moment. If you think there's a very real prospective that within a timeframe you can manage, it will change, might be worth sticking it out.

Also, would it be worth going to talk to that potential new male boss now and explain the problems in confidence and see what he can do behind the scenes? But you probably don't want to raise your head above the parapet any more than you have already so ask him for a confidential meeting

Unless there is more to it than we read here, I have to say they sound very cliquey and unprofessional.

I would not stay in that working environment and suggest you look for another job.

That's a nice idea, I've known this man distantly for years and he really does seem like a nice chap. I think the boss will leave soon so a chat with him could be a good idea but I will ve careful about what I say xx

I've worked in environments like this. You have to keep your head down and focus on doing a brilliant job, in your work. It is shite, I admit, but we all have to cope in work situations at times where there is bullying (I'm not saying it's right, BUT if the manager is on their side, you're limited in what you can do).

Good work will always eventually over ride being in the in crowd. BUT it's a nightmare living through it.

Just adding to say, the last time I went through this, I also had a male boss who sort of vaguely oversaw my direct line manager and all of our work, and HE knew I was a good worker, so my manager's influence wasn't unlimited.

You don’t deserve this treatment in the work place.

However, you have overstepped.

They are established colleagues and friends.

Therefore, they know what each other is like and although it’s not ok to be unkind about colleagues, it’s outside of remit to try and manage this.

I would be looking to leave asap and then on my last day I would be laughing while giving them a few home truths about all the bitching they do behind each others backs.

I just did some training at work online and they encouraged staff to call out behaviour like OP described.

OOH it's better just to keep your head down, I have a colleague who is difficult and unkind.

Sorry you are going through this OP

Pack mentality, some people never grow up it really is pathetic and it's women like this who give us all a bad name.

Agree how sad to have to go on holiday with a bunch of work colleagues. Be glad you're not like them and try to get out ASAP. Sorry you're going through this OP.

They sound deadful! I am so pleased I am no longer working.(late 50s) Workplace bullying is the worst.I really would look elsewhere ,Bosses are supposed to be calm and impartial they sound horrendous.Sounds like they are very similar.

Some on here saying it's none of your business @Ereerenownow when you see this happening and calling it out; honestly we should all aspire to be better and call out nastiness, not keep our heads down and just be bystanders.

Bullying is never OK, no matter who is doing it or how old you are. Bullying affects people so deeply it leaves them traumatised and in some cases suicidal.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Perhaps I did over step when I challenged but the manager was part of the conversation and said nothing to stop it. I wasn't trying to be an arse or a hero I just genuinely thought it wasn't a good thing for someone to be slating another person like that. Totally get what people are saying about keeping my head down but if we all did that then what would the workplace be like? I know I'll never be part of their clique and I think I'm making peace with that. I kinda just want a quiet life and enjoy my work, my hobbies (im part of an arts group) and my hubby.

Look for another job. in the meantime buy some ear defenders to wear or listen to classical music and pretend they’re not there.

This. Go to work, do your job and go home again.

Why is it you say you can't get another job? I wouldn't stay in a place like that personally.

Spend far too many hours of our lives working to be in a workplace that's not nice.

A mediator was involved and OP's colleague was given a warning by HR so the colleague's behaviour obviously violated the company's code of conduct.

Don't be ridiculous. Although the behaviour in this situation is clearly not ok, it is not 'sad' to develop good friendships at work, as indeed the op has in a past job. We often make friends initially based on some shared circumstances whether that's school, work, a hobby or having children of the same age. Some of my best friends I met at work. Yes we do sometimes holiday together and no that is not sad.