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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's happier without me

143 replies

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:44

5 years together. But he had mental health problems. He started dabbling in drugs around 2 years ago. He never did it infront of me. He remained normal around me. I hoped with all my being he'd stop. But then he lost his job. He moved into a cheap flat in a rougher area of town. He hid it from me for ages. But he was in contact with various people from the surrounding streets to buy weed and then coke! I started connecting the dots. He got friendly with a particularly dodgy person in july last year. He was sofa surfing. Nothing but trouble. My ex at the time was looking poorly. Scruffy. Haggard. He was skint. We didn't see wachother for 10 weeks apart from once or twice. I used this time to move on..kept busy. Ended it gradually. Then this friend left his house and he started to want to get things sorted.

I was wary and haven't had much to do with him. A few weeks ago he had another new face answering his phone. He was being evicted that day and didn't seem to have a plan at all. He said he'd been on a bench that night. I asked if he had a friends sofa for a few nights. He said one or two people had offered. For the rest of that day he was calling but getting off the phone quickly as people clearly kept appearing wherever he was. He wouldn't talk to me whilst they were around.

He needed to come up to mine to give me something back. He came on for a cuppa. He was laughing and talking about these new people. Even though he hadn't been paid this month (sanctioned) he'd had his hair cut. He looked well. He had another coat on. I asked where his other had gone. He said he had burned it on a radiator and the feathers had all come out. It was expensive so I didn't understand. He's forever in different clothing now. But anyway he seemed to be bouncing of the new energy and the new people he was mixing with. He told me they go eat for free together and one night a lad grabbed a trolley and they walked to the food bank and he showed him how to get more food claiming he had a child. I felt myself cringing inside thinking who even are you anymore. He then has ignored all my calls since and I genuinely have no clue if he's on the streets now.

I know I'm not supposed to care. I know. But he is more happier since he's not had to deal with me. It's made me think I was the problem. How sad that I mean so little now he's got these people. He doesn't want the quiet life he had with me. Help me process this. I'm just defeated.

OP posts:
Runoutofmilk · 08/02/2025 06:47

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YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 08/02/2025 06:49

He isn't happier, he is a drug addict and was on something when he saw you. He seemed happier because he was high.

Stop calling him and move on. He will only bring you pain and you also don't want to risk his new friends who are thieves catching wind of you.

I would be getting a good lock on my door, a ring doorbell and blocking him.

I understand loving an addict, trust me. But they will never love you as much as the drug and so you need to love yourself.

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:51

There's no children involved. I'm completely normal. Sober. Full time worker. He used to be. He's lost in this world.

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Runoutofmilk · 08/02/2025 06:55

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Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:58

I have friends. I exercise. I dont have hobbies but like going out doing things.
It is depressing. He's not him anymore. It's sad. So sad. He's trying to survive and he's gone past embarrassment now and just gets on with it. He doesn't need to be where he is. He earned great money. He was capable once upon a time. But not anymore.

OP posts:
username299 · 08/02/2025 07:00

That's addiction, it can effect anyone. I doubt he's thinking of you as addicts tend to be very self involved. He'll drag you down with him if you let him.

Runoutofmilk · 08/02/2025 07:00

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Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:02

username299 · 08/02/2025 07:00

That's addiction, it can effect anyone. I doubt he's thinking of you as addicts tend to be very self involved. He'll drag you down with him if you let him.

I'm dragged down. I've desperately tried to save him. But these friends just win. He chooses them over me. The lifestyle terrifies me. But he doesn't really care or try to hide it now. He won't talk to me. He ignores all my calls. There's nothing more I can do. I have to grieve him. I just wish he wasn't around these people.

OP posts:
Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:04

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I understand I really do. But the old him has died in all this. All our memories. I used to wake up every day to good morning sweetheart. Or he'd be laid next to me. He'd make me a coffee and bring it to me in bed. He was always around doing little things.
I can't remember the last I love you. The last goodnight.
I don't know what's going to happen next. I am sure there's females in the mix too in his addict circle. I am preparing for everything. But I am trying my hardest to let go.

OP posts:
Runoutofmilk · 08/02/2025 07:04

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Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:10

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So you wouldn't feel any emotion if this was someone you loved or cared for? You'd just be enjoying your day. You wouldn't be anxious. Sad. Emotional. Just in a second you'd be over it

OP posts:
Justalittlehandhold · 08/02/2025 07:10

You can’t reason with an addict, the best you can do is signpost to him where help is available. Then for your own well being, walk away.

BumpandBounce · 08/02/2025 07:13

You have to let him go, for your own sake. He’s already gone and you can’t save him.

If he’d chosen another woman over you, would you be obsessing and pining for him? No, you’d accept that he didn’t love you and you’d move on. This is exactly the same. He didn’t choose you. He doesn’t love you.

It hurts, just like the end of any relationship, but you have no choice but to draw a line and move on.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 08/02/2025 07:13

@Griefinthenight OP you got all the advice on your previous thread which you last posted on half an hour before you started this thread. the advice is not going to be any different. you need to block and go on with your life. he is lost to this world now.

lilytuckerpritchet · 08/02/2025 07:13

Grieve the loss of a man you loved because that person has gone. Move on it doesn’t matter what he does now you are better off without him

Justsayit123 · 08/02/2025 07:15

You do seem a bit obsessive about him. You can’t fix him. He is not going to come back to you now and you don’t want him too. He’s a grown man choosing to screw up his life. He’s moved on. You need to move on. Your life is better…. His is a temporary high/low shambles with no future.

FOJN · 08/02/2025 07:15

What are you doing?

You've made this into a competition between you and drugs. He hasn't chosen other people over you, he is addicted to drugs. You will NEVER win that battle and you need to ask yourself why your self esteem is tied to the idea that you can.

Cut all contact. Treat it as a bereavement. He's gone and nothing you can say or do will change that. If he's lucky he will reach rock bottom and chose to do something about his situation but you have no influence here.

You can refuse to accept this reality and stay miserable or you can grieve and move on with your life.

DragonBalls · 08/02/2025 07:19

I just don’t understand why you are still calling him or have any contact with him. The relationship has ended, right? So that’s it. Draw a line. You can’t help him. And you don’t need to.

Horses7 · 08/02/2025 07:22

You have had a very lucky escape, get a grip and stop thinking about him, he’s obviously moved on.

Runoutofmilk · 08/02/2025 07:23

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Hopelesscase32 · 08/02/2025 07:23

If he's always in new clothes he's probably now moved to dealing himself. Seriously move on, I'm not quite sure what it is you're still trying to hang on to

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:24

Hopelesscase32 · 08/02/2025 07:23

If he's always in new clothes he's probably now moved to dealing himself. Seriously move on, I'm not quite sure what it is you're still trying to hang on to

It's just grief to be honest. I'm just grieving so much.

OP posts:
Lex345 · 08/02/2025 07:25

You can't have a relationship with memories of the good times. Those times are gone. People change, sometimes for the better, sometimes the worse. You have to let go.

IsItSummerSoon · 08/02/2025 07:27

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:10

So you wouldn't feel any emotion if this was someone you loved or cared for? You'd just be enjoying your day. You wouldn't be anxious. Sad. Emotional. Just in a second you'd be over it

You are being slightly manipulative and disingenuous. It’s been going on long enough that you should realise it’s time to move on. You’re living in a pretend world right now where you are the hero, trying to save someone. You’re not. You’re just not
moving on. I feel sorry for you but you need to decide enough is enough and let this go.

User7288339 · 08/02/2025 07:30

Your thread title and OP doesn't really fit with what you say later.

Are you feeling he looked so happy and sorted and is much happier with these new friends than you?

Or is it that you can see what state he's in and are worried about him and how things have changed so drastically and gone down for him.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but he sounds an utter loser. I think you should cut off contact otherwise he'll keep asking for you for somewhere to stay, money etc.

Perhaps think of it as he wasn't who you thought he was and at some point couldn't maintain the mask.

Yes it's sad, but that version of him didn't really truly exist. You had a lucky escape.

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