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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's happier without me

143 replies

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:44

5 years together. But he had mental health problems. He started dabbling in drugs around 2 years ago. He never did it infront of me. He remained normal around me. I hoped with all my being he'd stop. But then he lost his job. He moved into a cheap flat in a rougher area of town. He hid it from me for ages. But he was in contact with various people from the surrounding streets to buy weed and then coke! I started connecting the dots. He got friendly with a particularly dodgy person in july last year. He was sofa surfing. Nothing but trouble. My ex at the time was looking poorly. Scruffy. Haggard. He was skint. We didn't see wachother for 10 weeks apart from once or twice. I used this time to move on..kept busy. Ended it gradually. Then this friend left his house and he started to want to get things sorted.

I was wary and haven't had much to do with him. A few weeks ago he had another new face answering his phone. He was being evicted that day and didn't seem to have a plan at all. He said he'd been on a bench that night. I asked if he had a friends sofa for a few nights. He said one or two people had offered. For the rest of that day he was calling but getting off the phone quickly as people clearly kept appearing wherever he was. He wouldn't talk to me whilst they were around.

He needed to come up to mine to give me something back. He came on for a cuppa. He was laughing and talking about these new people. Even though he hadn't been paid this month (sanctioned) he'd had his hair cut. He looked well. He had another coat on. I asked where his other had gone. He said he had burned it on a radiator and the feathers had all come out. It was expensive so I didn't understand. He's forever in different clothing now. But anyway he seemed to be bouncing of the new energy and the new people he was mixing with. He told me they go eat for free together and one night a lad grabbed a trolley and they walked to the food bank and he showed him how to get more food claiming he had a child. I felt myself cringing inside thinking who even are you anymore. He then has ignored all my calls since and I genuinely have no clue if he's on the streets now.

I know I'm not supposed to care. I know. But he is more happier since he's not had to deal with me. It's made me think I was the problem. How sad that I mean so little now he's got these people. He doesn't want the quiet life he had with me. Help me process this. I'm just defeated.

OP posts:
JustFeedMeCake · 08/02/2025 07:30

Oh OP. Please stop wasting your life on this loser. You say he's happier without you. You will be much happier without HIM! You deserve far better than all this.

Obscurial · 08/02/2025 07:31

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:02

I'm dragged down. I've desperately tried to save him. But these friends just win. He chooses them over me. The lifestyle terrifies me. But he doesn't really care or try to hide it now. He won't talk to me. He ignores all my calls. There's nothing more I can do. I have to grieve him. I just wish he wasn't around these people.

You can’t save him. He has to do that for himself, and there’s nothing you can do.

His friends aren’t winning, he’s choosing drugs and they fulfil that need - if they didn’t he’d drop them too.

He won’t talk to you and ignores your calls? Good. This is a blessing in disguise - you can block him and move on.

This is not going anywhere but down. You have no children so thankfully no ties to this man.

He is around these people, he is an addict. Yes it’s sad, but for your sake move on as swiftly as you can, you have no future with him.

User7288339 · 08/02/2025 07:32

@Runoutofmilk has it here

"I can’t really relate to your situation in any respect op because the idea of maintaining a relationship with a 51 year old (your other thread) druggie who lies, women involved, unemployed and homeless…. Is not someone I’d have been with for 5 mins and certainly not grieving the loss of a relationship with"

I totally agree

Bunnie007 · 08/02/2025 07:32

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the man you knew has died. You need to grieve him. Unfortunately your ex is seriously ill and you alone will not be able to help him. Hopefully one day he will be sober/drug free again but for now he is not someone who is safe (emotionally, mentally or physically) for you to have in your life. He and his ‘friends’ could easily bring trouble to your door/want money etc in the future. It is best for now to cut all ties. Of course this will be hard and of course you will struggle and feel many emotions. Join a support group for addicts loved ones, keep busy, make plans (even if they are with yourself ie pamper night/movie night). Maybe find a new hoodie to help distract you and give you a focus. Do you have a pet? Sounds bizarre but when my friend split with her ex (he had addiction issues) she got a cat and found having something to love and care for helped. Make your decision that today is the day he is no longer in your life. If he turns up be ready to redirect him to local charities. He is very unwell and needs help but not from you, as I said it’s far to risky for you to be in his life. You can do this, if you have friends or family draw on there support. If you feel the need to message call him post on here instead. We will all support you. Good luck you can do this.

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:33

User7288339 · 08/02/2025 07:30

Your thread title and OP doesn't really fit with what you say later.

Are you feeling he looked so happy and sorted and is much happier with these new friends than you?

Or is it that you can see what state he's in and are worried about him and how things have changed so drastically and gone down for him.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but he sounds an utter loser. I think you should cut off contact otherwise he'll keep asking for you for somewhere to stay, money etc.

Perhaps think of it as he wasn't who you thought he was and at some point couldn't maintain the mask.

Yes it's sad, but that version of him didn't really truly exist. You had a lucky escape.

It's weird. Even though I know his life is a mess. It really is. These people are both good. It feels Like a massive fuck you to me. I have tried so hard to help him out and its cost me alot of money and time. I've been there for years. To become irrelevant overnight to these people

I know that's irrational. But I'm being honest.

OP posts:
IsItSummerSoon · 08/02/2025 07:35

But surely you can see that this is now a you problem? You can’t move on. You keep going back to this. I would stop looking at him and start working on why you are doing this.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 08/02/2025 07:36

Have you posted before about this man @Griefinthenight as it sounds familiar?
Is this the one with the awful cousin? Who has daughters? The ex before you of 8 years?

User7288339 · 08/02/2025 07:36

You feel how you feel

But I honestly don't get it, don't get feeling sad about being displaced and not friends or with him anymore. Take a step back and think why would you want to associate with someone like that!! Of course he will just take your money and emotional energy.

Perhaps some counseling to talk through you feel like you do. Is it a self esteem thing, or a "saving someone" thing perhaps. I don't know, but you would expect to feel some relief at not having him in your life.

pictoosh · 08/02/2025 07:39

Your shock and sense of failure and betrayal is understandable. However, you now need to be realistic. It's not about you, it's about the fact that he prefers to live a different life from the one you used to have.
His choice is not a reflection on you.

There is no magic set of words or circumstances that will bring him back to you as he was. This is what he wants to be.

Let him go and move on. Anything else is a waste of your time and emotion.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 08/02/2025 07:41

I think you need professional help to process this and move forward. Yes it's so bloody hard when we someone we love walks away from us but that is life sometimes. It's been 10 weeks and you still seem like you are in denial.

daisychain01 · 08/02/2025 07:41

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:04

I understand I really do. But the old him has died in all this. All our memories. I used to wake up every day to good morning sweetheart. Or he'd be laid next to me. He'd make me a coffee and bring it to me in bed. He was always around doing little things.
I can't remember the last I love you. The last goodnight.
I don't know what's going to happen next. I am sure there's females in the mix too in his addict circle. I am preparing for everything. But I am trying my hardest to let go.

Please stop ruminating over this deadbeat. He isn't worth it.

put aside your ego on this. Yes it might have felt flattering to think he's not happy without you but the reality is that he chose the drugs over you, so now isn't the time to do the pick-me dance.

He's as lowlife as it gets and you're well shot of him. Be really really grateful he isn't your problem.

Pootlemcsmootle · 08/02/2025 07:44

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:58

I have friends. I exercise. I dont have hobbies but like going out doing things.
It is depressing. He's not him anymore. It's sad. So sad. He's trying to survive and he's gone past embarrassment now and just gets on with it. He doesn't need to be where he is. He earned great money. He was capable once upon a time. But not anymore.

In the kindest way OP, stop thinking about him. He's NOT your problem anymore.

Life is precious and it's wasted on running about and stressing over a homeless drug addict.

He's an adult, he makes his own choices, he's responsible for fixing his own mess. You are not. Just block and move on else you're continuing to welcome absolute shit, sleaziness and misery into your life for no reason whatsoever.

Mummadeze · 08/02/2025 07:47

Poor you, the whole situation sounds quite traumatic. I would try and get some counselling to start getting a new perspective. Also try and put a plan in action to boost your self esteem as your boundaries and self worth seem to be out of kilter. I relate as I have been obsessed with men who need saving before when my self esteem was very low before. You have had a lucky escape even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.

Devon24 · 08/02/2025 07:48

You sound very sad op, and I think you need someone to talk to in real life - you have ‘lost’ him to drugs, and as painful as that is. The drugs are numbing a pain within him, he hasn’t consciously chosen drugs over you, but the chemicals are designed to be so addictive and his new life is shiny and exciting. It also serves well as a coping strategy, and it is taking on a completely different path.

Write him a letter expressing your pain and fear for him. How much you love the real him and then let him go. I would find a way for him to receive the letter - because one day that letter might remind him of the life he used to have,

Op you are allowed to feel broken hearted and sad but I chose YABU because this is not about you or your life. His life has spiralled and you can’t and shouldn’t attempt to ‘save’ him, he has to do that - if he wants to - for himself.

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:48

Bunnie007 · 08/02/2025 07:32

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the man you knew has died. You need to grieve him. Unfortunately your ex is seriously ill and you alone will not be able to help him. Hopefully one day he will be sober/drug free again but for now he is not someone who is safe (emotionally, mentally or physically) for you to have in your life. He and his ‘friends’ could easily bring trouble to your door/want money etc in the future. It is best for now to cut all ties. Of course this will be hard and of course you will struggle and feel many emotions. Join a support group for addicts loved ones, keep busy, make plans (even if they are with yourself ie pamper night/movie night). Maybe find a new hoodie to help distract you and give you a focus. Do you have a pet? Sounds bizarre but when my friend split with her ex (he had addiction issues) she got a cat and found having something to love and care for helped. Make your decision that today is the day he is no longer in your life. If he turns up be ready to redirect him to local charities. He is very unwell and needs help but not from you, as I said it’s far to risky for you to be in his life. You can do this, if you have friends or family draw on there support. If you feel the need to message call him post on here instead. We will all support you. Good luck you can do this.

Hiya I have recently got a bird as a pet yes and it was for the comfort. He's so poorly and his personality isn't the same. Nothings the same. I'm frightened for him. I am very wary and keep alot of distance in general but this week I just ended up speaking to him. But it was clear he couldn't be himself as he was dodging me when friends were near. It's just a mess. I dont want to pay for therapy right now. I am keeping busy with work..I've been promoted and have alot of medication training to do. I have a holiday at Easter. I just don't know how to feel with the heaviness in my heart. The person I want a heart to heart with the most is gone and he may die before I get to understand. His feelings for me have changed drastically I guess. I know eventually these friends will also be problems. They always do.

OP posts:
Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:51

When I'm not busy my heads just stuck on the past and what it used to be. I'm so scared he will die too. I am sad. So sad. But I need to sort it out

OP posts:
Devon24 · 08/02/2025 07:53

He may not die, and this may not be permanent but for now it is his reality and his choice. Can you contact his family and let them
know how worried you for him? Share the load a little.

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 08/02/2025 07:54

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:48

Hiya I have recently got a bird as a pet yes and it was for the comfort. He's so poorly and his personality isn't the same. Nothings the same. I'm frightened for him. I am very wary and keep alot of distance in general but this week I just ended up speaking to him. But it was clear he couldn't be himself as he was dodging me when friends were near. It's just a mess. I dont want to pay for therapy right now. I am keeping busy with work..I've been promoted and have alot of medication training to do. I have a holiday at Easter. I just don't know how to feel with the heaviness in my heart. The person I want a heart to heart with the most is gone and he may die before I get to understand. His feelings for me have changed drastically I guess. I know eventually these friends will also be problems. They always do.

Medication training??

If you work anywhere near prescription drugs then you could lose EVERYTHING. You will be couch surfing because he stole your career.

Druggies will absolutely see you as a prime target and can get violent and threatening to get you to supply them. You might think he would never do this, but you don't know his friends and don't underestimate how any addict will behave if there's the promise of either drugs, or drugs they can sell/trade for what they are really after.

RUN RUN RUN.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 08/02/2025 07:55

It's perfectly normal to still love him, and want him back the way he was.
People are very quick to turn their backs on addicts, but the time you have left with an addicted loved one can end suddenly. You will always know that you remained his friend and tried to help whether he comes through this and gets his life in order, or if he doesn't.

Supersoakers · 08/02/2025 07:57

It must be heartbreaking to see someone ruin their own life so dramatically. It’s not a reflection on you. This is his journey and he did at some point choose it and continues to choose it. Time to make some choices for yourself now.

RetroTotty · 08/02/2025 07:59

I agree with pp, if his friends get wind of you being involved with meds it could end very badly for you, as you'll be seen as a resource.

Cattreesea · 08/02/2025 08:01

He is your ex OP. Move on.

All that this guy is doing is bringing negativity into your life.

It is not your job to 'save' him from his addiction and poor life choices.

Don't allow him to drag you on any further and get on with your life.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 08/02/2025 08:03

OP I do feel for you, if I am correct, you have been posting about this man using different user names for a few months. It’s clear you are really struggling but it’s very difficult now for anyone to get through to you.
Your posts don’t say much about you now, they are all about him, his life, his woes, his addiction.
You do talk about your grief, your loss and that you feel you have done something wrong, and can’t understand why this man doesn’t appreciate you.
He is a drug addict.
And in your own way he is an addiction to you. The constant calling, checking up on him, it is becoming seriously unhealthy. Having read your previous threads you seem to be sinking, and it is hard to offer any advice because your only focus is him.
I think you have a child - where are they in all this? How is it for them, with their mum spending all this money, time and energy on this truly awful man?
The fact is he’s an addict and he could die but he sounds to me the type who won’t. He will just continue as he is now, living the addict life.
I am sorry you are so upset but you sound like you are becoming seriously unwell with all of this.

Marine30 · 08/02/2025 08:06

You lost me at ‘tells the food bank he has a kid to get extra food’ what a complete and utter waste of space.
He’s gone. Please stop grieving and see it as the best thing he ever did for you.

Dashel · 08/02/2025 08:08

I think you need to see this as a stepping stone to a better life.

Presumably you would like someone who loves you, supports you back and doesn’t just take from you. Someone who is going to return your love and support and want the same things in life that you do, maybe marriage or children or a house together or travel plans. Someone who isn’t an addict.

Splitting up with him is short term pain and you are grieving for the person you thought he was and the future you thought that you would have and it sounds like that person went a long time ago and that future is dead.

Maybe think of the drugs as his other woman and accept that he has made his choice very clear. You need to step back, block him, lick your wounds for a little while and move on to a better life.

I would echo posters worried about them using you for drugs so maybe look at security like a ring doorbell.

In 5 years time you will regret the time, energy and money you wasted on him.