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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's happier without me

143 replies

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:44

5 years together. But he had mental health problems. He started dabbling in drugs around 2 years ago. He never did it infront of me. He remained normal around me. I hoped with all my being he'd stop. But then he lost his job. He moved into a cheap flat in a rougher area of town. He hid it from me for ages. But he was in contact with various people from the surrounding streets to buy weed and then coke! I started connecting the dots. He got friendly with a particularly dodgy person in july last year. He was sofa surfing. Nothing but trouble. My ex at the time was looking poorly. Scruffy. Haggard. He was skint. We didn't see wachother for 10 weeks apart from once or twice. I used this time to move on..kept busy. Ended it gradually. Then this friend left his house and he started to want to get things sorted.

I was wary and haven't had much to do with him. A few weeks ago he had another new face answering his phone. He was being evicted that day and didn't seem to have a plan at all. He said he'd been on a bench that night. I asked if he had a friends sofa for a few nights. He said one or two people had offered. For the rest of that day he was calling but getting off the phone quickly as people clearly kept appearing wherever he was. He wouldn't talk to me whilst they were around.

He needed to come up to mine to give me something back. He came on for a cuppa. He was laughing and talking about these new people. Even though he hadn't been paid this month (sanctioned) he'd had his hair cut. He looked well. He had another coat on. I asked where his other had gone. He said he had burned it on a radiator and the feathers had all come out. It was expensive so I didn't understand. He's forever in different clothing now. But anyway he seemed to be bouncing of the new energy and the new people he was mixing with. He told me they go eat for free together and one night a lad grabbed a trolley and they walked to the food bank and he showed him how to get more food claiming he had a child. I felt myself cringing inside thinking who even are you anymore. He then has ignored all my calls since and I genuinely have no clue if he's on the streets now.

I know I'm not supposed to care. I know. But he is more happier since he's not had to deal with me. It's made me think I was the problem. How sad that I mean so little now he's got these people. He doesn't want the quiet life he had with me. Help me process this. I'm just defeated.

OP posts:
Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 09:08

I understand its over and its gone. Its just heartbreak and grief since I spoke to him the other day. I want him to be safe and happy. It's just sad. I felt better in no contact. It feels worse getting that glimpse into things.

I know none of these friends are good for him. It's just easy with them because he doesn't have to hide the truth.

Maybe I do need a couple of hours talking to someone. Maybe it will help. I am reading through your replies.

OP posts:
Clarice99 · 08/02/2025 09:11

It feels Like a massive fuck you to me.

It's not a 'fuck you'. He's an addict. His drug(s) of choice are his priority, his life, now. You can't rescue him nor will you be able to reason with him.

It's tough for you as you're grieving the loss of someone who is not dead (yet), grieving for what could have been.

For your self preservation, you need to sever contact with him completely and focus on enhancing your own life. 💐

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 09:11

Jewelsonthenile · 08/02/2025 09:03

I am going to tell you a story that might help.

When I was at university and beyond i was going out with this guy, who was very addictive. He was very bright and very physical including doing martial arts at a very top level. It went on for about 13 years on and off.

After the last time i saw him he went off with this much older woman who, unlike myself tried to encourage calm behaviour, encouraged his more hot-headed side. I think she liked being done by a young ram if you get my drift. I could see where this was going and whilst I had moved on, you don't just stop caring for someone when you had been involved with them for so long. However, by this point was so involved with her and her friends he wouldn't engage and they just said it was all marvellous whilst she got him to block me. Anyway, it all came to a head when it ended up in the papers that he had perpetrated a violent crime (he got over 10 years in jail for it).

At this point of course, they all drifted away, though not before expecting me to just come back in and save the day as it was all too much for them now. Of course DH knows the whole story but I am not bringing any of that back in my life even though I have no emotional involvement now. I do think about him though. Total waste. Complete. But nothing I can do.

And nothing you can do so you have to let it go, grieve and close the door.

Thank you for sharing this. I am going no contact again now. I'm angry I got pulled back in slightly.

OP posts:
Jewelsonthenile · 08/02/2025 09:13

@Griefinthenight I am just pleased it has helped you. Big, big Un-Mumsnetty hugs. xx

JJZ · 08/02/2025 09:13

Am I going mad? I could have sworn yesterday you said this was your brother on another thread. The eviction, the food bank and the hair cut all from the other thread I read yesterday. Do you have three or four posts running all saying almost the same thing?

MissDeborah · 08/02/2025 09:17

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:58

I have friends. I exercise. I dont have hobbies but like going out doing things.
It is depressing. He's not him anymore. It's sad. So sad. He's trying to survive and he's gone past embarrassment now and just gets on with it. He doesn't need to be where he is. He earned great money. He was capable once upon a time. But not anymore.

He is him
This is the real him, the old him was a mask
Just keep walking away

Runoutofmilk · 08/02/2025 09:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PickyTits · 08/02/2025 09:31

I doubt he's happier without YOU as a person, but you were a barrier to him accessing drugs, either by voicing your concerns or just his knowing you would be disappointed in him. He's happier without that barrier, there's now nothing in the way for him have that feeling of guilt hanging over his high.

NameChanges123 · 08/02/2025 09:33

"It's made me think I was the problem..."

Well, clearly HE'S the problem. He sounds like a complete waster and loser.

Don't waste another thought on him - use your time and energy wisely by finding your self-esteem and realising your own worth.

The world seems to be full of awful men and good women wasting their time on them.

Ohnobackagain · 08/02/2025 09:56

@Griefinthenight you definitely need to stay out of contact so that you can come to terms with what has happened. Whatever bad choices he makes, however nicer his life could be with you, he is an adult and it is his life to lead. I know what you mean about the anxieties and what-ifs running through your head but you have to try to quell that noise and separate yourself from him for your own sake. I understand it feels awful now and unbearable though.

KnobblyCheeseMix · 08/02/2025 10:02

Walk away now . Trying to fix him will
Consume you . I know someone who wasted her twenties on a druggie . Soon there will be people hassling you for money to pay off his drug debts . Once that starts they won't stop.

The only one that can stop taking drugs is him .

Cunningfungus · 08/02/2025 10:05

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 08/02/2025 06:49

He isn't happier, he is a drug addict and was on something when he saw you. He seemed happier because he was high.

Stop calling him and move on. He will only bring you pain and you also don't want to risk his new friends who are thieves catching wind of you.

I would be getting a good lock on my door, a ring doorbell and blocking him.

I understand loving an addict, trust me. But they will never love you as much as the drug and so you need to love yourself.

This. He’s off his face when you saw him. I’d say your thread title should be “I’m happier without him” and manifest that @Griefinthenight . Seriously - this waster is bad news.

KnobblyCheeseMix · 08/02/2025 10:06

Uricon2 · 08/02/2025 09:01

This is not about you or whether he's "happier" without you. His focus is drugs and he will seek out people who enable his addiction and yes, he will seem "happier" with them because they don't challenge the destructive path he is currently on. This will sound harsh, but you-anyone- will only have value to him as a means to get what he wants. It isn't a reflection on you, it is on him.

You need to shift your focus back to yourself and they only way odf starting to do that is to completely cut contact.

This . Read and Re-Read. You are a rescource.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 08/02/2025 10:12

Lived by a seemingly kind older guy a few years ago. His daughter got him the house, it was a rental, she clearly had done well in life. She said she was so pleased to get him out of his old life.
He became a cuckoo. Within weeks our lovely quiet area had drug dealers in it, they used his house as a base and he was back on drugs. His daughter was in despair. They often latch on to someone slightly older who wants to keep in with them to belong.
We moved and a few weeks later he died. Apparently the house was destroyed.

Patterncarmen · 08/02/2025 10:37

Patterncarmen · 08/02/2025 08:55

Wow, only 10 weeks. No wonder the OP is grieving. I mean, people don’t get over divorces in 10 weeks, do they? OP, I would get some therapy to process all of this. No one can compete with drugs if their partner is addicted. This isn’t about you, it is about him and his addiction.

@Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated I wonder why you find this post so hilarious with that laughing emoji. It takes time to get over these things for some people.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/02/2025 10:55

As pp have said, he is not happier without you, he is high. People don't take drugs when they are genuinely happy

Its normal to grieve the person he was and be upset that he has been lost to drugs. Give yourself permission to be upset.

But don't let your life be consumed by this. By contacting him, by taking it personally, by looking for reasons, by wondering what he is up to etc you're dragging it out. I'd urge you to get support from a support group of families of addicts. They will help you see that it's not your fault and you can't change him.

Sometimes blocking them from your life is the only way forward, as its not helping either of you to keep him in it

fraughtcouture · 08/02/2025 11:09

What a grim read. Please raise your bar, it's in the gutter.

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 16:57

I had a message to say he was arrested yesterday. I am feeling more level headed tonight. I'm going to look at some Al anon meetings. Although I can.imagine they are more related to alcohol. But I guess people are the same on both..

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 08/02/2025 18:12

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 16:57

I had a message to say he was arrested yesterday. I am feeling more level headed tonight. I'm going to look at some Al anon meetings. Although I can.imagine they are more related to alcohol. But I guess people are the same on both..

Al anon is amazing. Really helpful and others will understand your feelings.
If he’s been arrested he’s on the slippery slope.
It may be tough but you are a good citizen leading a decent life.
If he’s involved with drugs more than just taking them, he won’t care if he drags you down. There is nothing romantic about someone using your home to had their stash without you knowing. There is nothing romantic about your home being raided and arrested yourself. It doesn’t just happen in the movies, it happens to ordinary people who have no idea what is going on.
Once someone is arrested they are on a path that you can’t save them from, I am afraid.

Bunnie007 · 09/02/2025 08:38

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:48

Hiya I have recently got a bird as a pet yes and it was for the comfort. He's so poorly and his personality isn't the same. Nothings the same. I'm frightened for him. I am very wary and keep alot of distance in general but this week I just ended up speaking to him. But it was clear he couldn't be himself as he was dodging me when friends were near. It's just a mess. I dont want to pay for therapy right now. I am keeping busy with work..I've been promoted and have alot of medication training to do. I have a holiday at Easter. I just don't know how to feel with the heaviness in my heart. The person I want a heart to heart with the most is gone and he may die before I get to understand. His feelings for me have changed drastically I guess. I know eventually these friends will also be problems. They always do.

Honestly my heart goes out to you. I know it feels so hard down but be strong, things will get better for you ❤️

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 10:09

I'm just anxious because after that message saying he'd just got out the police station he's disappeared again and nobody has heard from him. So now I'm frightened and worried. I hate this 😒

OP posts:
Jewelsonthenile · 09/02/2025 10:16

Are you frightened and worried he will come for you or for him? I know it's hard but if it's for him, stop. There is nothing you can do.

username299 · 09/02/2025 10:36

I thought you two had split up. I'm not sure why you're acting like his caseworker. Doesn't he have family? Contact his family, let them know he's disappeared and block all contact.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/02/2025 11:01

@Griefinthenight why have you not just blocked him yet??? you cannot do anything for him. he doesnt want your help!

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 11:40

username299 · 09/02/2025 10:36

I thought you two had split up. I'm not sure why you're acting like his caseworker. Doesn't he have family? Contact his family, let them know he's disappeared and block all contact.

No he doesn't. That's why it's all landed on me for so wrong. I'm just selfishly worried for bad news. That's the only thing.

OP posts: