Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's happier without me

143 replies

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:44

5 years together. But he had mental health problems. He started dabbling in drugs around 2 years ago. He never did it infront of me. He remained normal around me. I hoped with all my being he'd stop. But then he lost his job. He moved into a cheap flat in a rougher area of town. He hid it from me for ages. But he was in contact with various people from the surrounding streets to buy weed and then coke! I started connecting the dots. He got friendly with a particularly dodgy person in july last year. He was sofa surfing. Nothing but trouble. My ex at the time was looking poorly. Scruffy. Haggard. He was skint. We didn't see wachother for 10 weeks apart from once or twice. I used this time to move on..kept busy. Ended it gradually. Then this friend left his house and he started to want to get things sorted.

I was wary and haven't had much to do with him. A few weeks ago he had another new face answering his phone. He was being evicted that day and didn't seem to have a plan at all. He said he'd been on a bench that night. I asked if he had a friends sofa for a few nights. He said one or two people had offered. For the rest of that day he was calling but getting off the phone quickly as people clearly kept appearing wherever he was. He wouldn't talk to me whilst they were around.

He needed to come up to mine to give me something back. He came on for a cuppa. He was laughing and talking about these new people. Even though he hadn't been paid this month (sanctioned) he'd had his hair cut. He looked well. He had another coat on. I asked where his other had gone. He said he had burned it on a radiator and the feathers had all come out. It was expensive so I didn't understand. He's forever in different clothing now. But anyway he seemed to be bouncing of the new energy and the new people he was mixing with. He told me they go eat for free together and one night a lad grabbed a trolley and they walked to the food bank and he showed him how to get more food claiming he had a child. I felt myself cringing inside thinking who even are you anymore. He then has ignored all my calls since and I genuinely have no clue if he's on the streets now.

I know I'm not supposed to care. I know. But he is more happier since he's not had to deal with me. It's made me think I was the problem. How sad that I mean so little now he's got these people. He doesn't want the quiet life he had with me. Help me process this. I'm just defeated.

OP posts:
Sevenamcoffee · 08/02/2025 08:12

The only thing you should do now for your own wellbeing is block him and cut all contact. It will make the grieving process easier. Then at some point examine your own saviour/rescuer complex and what that’s all about for you.

PheasantPluckers · 08/02/2025 08:16

He sounds extremely troubled.

Devon24 · 08/02/2025 08:21

Get some professional help op. Really it will do you the world of good.

spuddy4 · 08/02/2025 08:23

He's not bouncing with new energy he's bouncing because he's got a key of Columbias finest marching power up his nose. I've been in your position many years ago and you can't compete with the drugs. I wish I'd have saved myself a lot of time and heartbreak and realised this earlier but you can't fix an addict, they can only fix themselves and have to want it. Don't waste anymore time on him.

Callingallbutterflies · 08/02/2025 08:25

You will be happier without him. Onwards and upwards.

bluegreen89 · 08/02/2025 08:25

People on here saying ‘just move on’ like it’s easy have mo empathy or true understanding. I’d suggest therapy to help you navigate this, otherwise the stress and trauma will make you ill. This is something that may rear its ugly head down the line ie you might bump into him or hear of his death. Please protect yourself and good luck.

Jeds55 · 08/02/2025 08:29

His lifestyle sounds so chaotic
Protect yourself - grieve the person that you remember and loved because he has (possibly just temporarily) gone.

You need to step back - stop contacting him. He, and his friends, will use you for all they can get from you

Miaowzabella · 08/02/2025 08:30

Why do you need to call him?

Newfoundzestforlife · 08/02/2025 08:30

IsItSummerSoon · 08/02/2025 07:27

You are being slightly manipulative and disingenuous. It’s been going on long enough that you should realise it’s time to move on. You’re living in a pretend world right now where you are the hero, trying to save someone. You’re not. You’re just not
moving on. I feel sorry for you but you need to decide enough is enough and let this go.

And you're kicking someone who is already down.

DorothyStorm · 08/02/2025 08:31

Callingallbutterflies · 08/02/2025 08:25

You will be happier without him. Onwards and upwards.

This. You need therapy. You cannot save people from themselves. That is arrogance thinking you have the knowledge and skills to save an addict.

Newfoundzestforlife · 08/02/2025 08:34

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:33

It's weird. Even though I know his life is a mess. It really is. These people are both good. It feels Like a massive fuck you to me. I have tried so hard to help him out and its cost me alot of money and time. I've been there for years. To become irrelevant overnight to these people

I know that's irrational. But I'm being honest.

Honey, he's a USER. A lot of drug users use people as well as drugs, don't even take it personally its just how they are.

But you're right, it is a massive kick in the teeth! Find your anger and use that to get over this user/loser.

IlooklikeNigella · 08/02/2025 08:36

OP he's gone. The drugs have got him in their grasp. He's too ill now. It's not his friends or a potential new woman or new life. It's drug addiction.

My friend told me it was like his wife had died but left her body. Once he surrendered to grieving he started to heal.

I'm so sorry. I also love my DH so much and would be devastated if I had to see him fall apart like this. Not drugs but a few years ago I watched him have a mental health breakdown. I missed the old him so much.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. But stop interacting with him.

pictoosh · 08/02/2025 08:38

Saving someone is a romantic notion.

dottiedodah · 08/02/2025 08:39

He has problems and man6! Sometimes we see this person we loved ,caught up in an alternative life.we want to shake them make them see the light. He isn't a romantic hero but someone set on self destruction. Drugs are bad news ,they show a weak character. Have you met anyone else?,tried a dating app.thers plenty more men! Bringing a coffee in bed or a chat is fairly standard. He's not the milk tray man.if your idea of romance is having a drugged up guy with no money or plans this needs addressing. Be glad to move on and be healthy and free

Sassybooklover · 08/02/2025 08:45

Your ex is an addict. The new clothing is probably stolen and the reason he looks happier is because he was high when he saw you. Yes, you care but you can't help him. Only he can help himself, but like many addicts he will have to hit rock bottom before he seeks it. You don't want to start appearing to be a soft touch, otherwise he'll start asking you for money, a place to stay and start bringing his new friends with him. They aren't friends, they're addicts he's met along the way. You need to block him, install a Ring doorbell and move on. He's not your responsibility. Of course you're not the reason why he went down this rabbit hole, drugs can take hold of anyone, from all walks of life. Concentrate on your own life, find new hobbies, meet friends - please don't waste your life away trying to 'help' him.

DorothyStorm · 08/02/2025 08:46

pictoosh · 08/02/2025 08:38

Saving someone is a romantic notion.

It is so arrogant. People work for years training to work with and help addicts, keeping themselves safe in the process. Then others think they can save an addict with magic vaginas. Then they lose themselves.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 08/02/2025 08:47

He sounds repulsive.

KaylaLS · 08/02/2025 08:51

Block any contact with him so that you move on from this situation.

Whether he is happier, sadder, well dressed, not dressed…none of it matters to you.

By blocking all contact you won’t know whether he is ‘happier without you’.

Patterncarmen · 08/02/2025 08:55

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 08/02/2025 07:41

I think you need professional help to process this and move forward. Yes it's so bloody hard when we someone we love walks away from us but that is life sometimes. It's been 10 weeks and you still seem like you are in denial.

Wow, only 10 weeks. No wonder the OP is grieving. I mean, people don’t get over divorces in 10 weeks, do they? OP, I would get some therapy to process all of this. No one can compete with drugs if their partner is addicted. This isn’t about you, it is about him and his addiction.

Patterncarmen · 08/02/2025 08:57

DorothyStorm · 08/02/2025 08:46

It is so arrogant. People work for years training to work with and help addicts, keeping themselves safe in the process. Then others think they can save an addict with magic vaginas. Then they lose themselves.

Sometimes people are parentified earlier, or other aspects of their upbringing lead them to believe that. I agree that you can’t save someone, but it isn’t always arrogance behind it. It actually can be a lack of self esteem to play a rescuer in a relationship.

Truth25 · 08/02/2025 09:00

PheasantPluckers · 08/02/2025 08:16

He sounds extremely troubled.

And so does op.

Imbusytodaysorry · 08/02/2025 09:00

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:51

There's no children involved. I'm completely normal. Sober. Full time worker. He used to be. He's lost in this world.

You can’t fix him ! Or make him find his way

I agree he was happy as had drugs .
Why do you what any of this in your life ?
It’s madness . All very drug dealing/taking squalor living .
Maybe he has a social worker now who helps him with clothes .

He hasn’t won the lottery and you are both worlds apart .

He has chosen drugs over you but remember he has chosen drugs over himself too.

Uricon2 · 08/02/2025 09:01

This is not about you or whether he's "happier" without you. His focus is drugs and he will seek out people who enable his addiction and yes, he will seem "happier" with them because they don't challenge the destructive path he is currently on. This will sound harsh, but you-anyone- will only have value to him as a means to get what he wants. It isn't a reflection on you, it is on him.

You need to shift your focus back to yourself and they only way odf starting to do that is to completely cut contact.

Jewelsonthenile · 08/02/2025 09:03

I am going to tell you a story that might help.

When I was at university and beyond i was going out with this guy, who was very addictive. He was very bright and very physical including doing martial arts at a very top level. It went on for about 13 years on and off.

After the last time i saw him he went off with this much older woman who, unlike myself tried to encourage calm behaviour, encouraged his more hot-headed side. I think she liked being done by a young ram if you get my drift. I could see where this was going and whilst I had moved on, you don't just stop caring for someone when you had been involved with them for so long. However, by this point was so involved with her and her friends he wouldn't engage and they just said it was all marvellous whilst she got him to block me. Anyway, it all came to a head when it ended up in the papers that he had perpetrated a violent crime (he got over 10 years in jail for it).

At this point of course, they all drifted away, though not before expecting me to just come back in and save the day as it was all too much for them now. Of course DH knows the whole story but I am not bringing any of that back in my life even though I have no emotional involvement now. I do think about him though. Total waste. Complete. But nothing I can do.

And nothing you can do so you have to let it go, grieve and close the door.

AlertCat · 08/02/2025 09:04

Wallow for the morning but then block him and delete his number so that you can’t contact him. He has shown you the choice he’s made. The old him will never come back- grieve him but let him go as if he had passed away.