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He's happier without me

143 replies

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 06:44

5 years together. But he had mental health problems. He started dabbling in drugs around 2 years ago. He never did it infront of me. He remained normal around me. I hoped with all my being he'd stop. But then he lost his job. He moved into a cheap flat in a rougher area of town. He hid it from me for ages. But he was in contact with various people from the surrounding streets to buy weed and then coke! I started connecting the dots. He got friendly with a particularly dodgy person in july last year. He was sofa surfing. Nothing but trouble. My ex at the time was looking poorly. Scruffy. Haggard. He was skint. We didn't see wachother for 10 weeks apart from once or twice. I used this time to move on..kept busy. Ended it gradually. Then this friend left his house and he started to want to get things sorted.

I was wary and haven't had much to do with him. A few weeks ago he had another new face answering his phone. He was being evicted that day and didn't seem to have a plan at all. He said he'd been on a bench that night. I asked if he had a friends sofa for a few nights. He said one or two people had offered. For the rest of that day he was calling but getting off the phone quickly as people clearly kept appearing wherever he was. He wouldn't talk to me whilst they were around.

He needed to come up to mine to give me something back. He came on for a cuppa. He was laughing and talking about these new people. Even though he hadn't been paid this month (sanctioned) he'd had his hair cut. He looked well. He had another coat on. I asked where his other had gone. He said he had burned it on a radiator and the feathers had all come out. It was expensive so I didn't understand. He's forever in different clothing now. But anyway he seemed to be bouncing of the new energy and the new people he was mixing with. He told me they go eat for free together and one night a lad grabbed a trolley and they walked to the food bank and he showed him how to get more food claiming he had a child. I felt myself cringing inside thinking who even are you anymore. He then has ignored all my calls since and I genuinely have no clue if he's on the streets now.

I know I'm not supposed to care. I know. But he is more happier since he's not had to deal with me. It's made me think I was the problem. How sad that I mean so little now he's got these people. He doesn't want the quiet life he had with me. Help me process this. I'm just defeated.

OP posts:
username299 · 09/02/2025 11:42

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 11:40

No he doesn't. That's why it's all landed on me for so wrong. I'm just selfishly worried for bad news. That's the only thing.

Are his whole family dead or have they disowned him? Are you still together?

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 11:44

So long*

OP posts:
Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 11:45

username299 · 09/02/2025 11:42

Are his whole family dead or have they disowned him? Are you still together?

Parents dead. Dad disowned him or he disowned the dad before death. Him and brother have fell out 5 years ago. Oldest daughters cut him off. Youngest hit and miss. Don't knows his aunties and other cousins. They don't live local but he fell out with 2 of them because he was quite rude to his cousin.

OP posts:
Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 11:47

username299 · 09/02/2025 11:42

Are his whole family dead or have they disowned him? Are you still together?

No we haven't been together a few months. I've managed 3 weeks no contact but he still ends up contacting me when things are bad and certain situations happen. It kinda puts me back in my recovery. He changes his numbers like I change my socks.

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 09/02/2025 11:47

He is an addict and prefers the company of other addicts who normalise his toxic choices and don't judge him. He has got a group that he can be the big man with, it's pathetic. Run a million miles from him. The old him was also bad company for you. Thank god you can cut ties from him. He might try to rob from you, don't give him anything.

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 11:49

CreationNat1on · 09/02/2025 11:47

He is an addict and prefers the company of other addicts who normalise his toxic choices and don't judge him. He has got a group that he can be the big man with, it's pathetic. Run a million miles from him. The old him was also bad company for you. Thank god you can cut ties from him. He might try to rob from you, don't give him anything.

I just need to work on the part of me that's worrying about his welfare and safety.

OP posts:
username299 · 09/02/2025 11:52

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 11:47

No we haven't been together a few months. I've managed 3 weeks no contact but he still ends up contacting me when things are bad and certain situations happen. It kinda puts me back in my recovery. He changes his numbers like I change my socks.

OP you seem to have a saviour complex and are codependent. His own family, including his children have disowned him.

He'll use you up and spit you out however you seem determined to save him and no doubt change him.

Read up on codependency: Co dependent no more is a good book but there's lots of stuff out there. Focusing on someone else's life and problems means you don't have to look at your own.

Get some help.

TravellingTartan · 09/02/2025 11:53

So basically none of his family including his children have anything to do with him?

I wonder why that is? You think maybe because he's an addict!!!?? They were probably sick of his stealing off then, using them and loving the drugs more than them.

I sense from your posts you're not going to block him or go NC. He will worm his way back in when he's got nothing and nowhere to stay.

You can't fix him

You need to join some kind of addict family support group. To help you let go.

StormingNorman · 09/02/2025 11:56

I’d put money on him dealing now.

CreationNat1on · 09/02/2025 11:58

Stop worrying about him, you can't control him. Fear, obligation, guilt. FOG. You need to see things more clearly. He is using you to prop up his dysfunctional life. He will never worry about you, or care for you, he only views the world through his addict lense, everything is about his addiction, his survival, his happy place.

He would walk past you on the street, if he doesn't want something from you. His addiction is parasitic. You cannot fix him. Protect yourself.

Join AA for friends and families of alcoholics

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 11:58

I have blocked he just gets a new number most months. I dont want him back. I'm just anxious. Worried what I'm gunna her next and scared of how ill cope with the memories and the day he dies. Because I feel it's going to happen.

I have questioned this myself dealing..I wouldn't know really. One of his friends certainly was but that friends now off the scene.

OP posts:
Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 12:02

CreationNat1on · 09/02/2025 11:58

Stop worrying about him, you can't control him. Fear, obligation, guilt. FOG. You need to see things more clearly. He is using you to prop up his dysfunctional life. He will never worry about you, or care for you, he only views the world through his addict lense, everything is about his addiction, his survival, his happy place.

He would walk past you on the street, if he doesn't want something from you. His addiction is parasitic. You cannot fix him. Protect yourself.

Join AA for friends and families of alcoholics

I'm going to try do some of the online zoom meetings. It's more regarding alcohol but it may help me. It's just so hard to escape the toxicity. I am going on with my own life. I dont see him. I dont have him in my life like before at all. I genuinely don't have a clue. But memories appear in my head and I go back to a feeling or a moment and I feel confused and like I want to go back to certain days.
I don't miss him. But my brains struggling with something. I have tried to read the book people recommended to me. I found it helpful but halfway through it was so focused on physically violent men I didn't truly relate.

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 09/02/2025 12:13

It’s so sad, but everything people have said on here is true. As hard as it is for you, you’ve got to remain no contact.

Your heart will catch you with your head. You just need time 💐

CreationNat1on · 09/02/2025 12:14

Adult child of a kind alcoholic here. I have a tendancy to enjoy the company of male addicts. I see my pattern now, and protect myself better. Addicts can be very romantic (usually on something or under some influence). In good times, they are great, funny, playful, romantic company. When they focus on you, it's wonderful, when you are their partner in crime.

However when you need support, when you want something, when you ate under the influence of something they have supplied, they want nothing to do with you. They want support but zero responsibility for how they impact other people.

Be a cold hearted bint and put yourself first. He will fuck himself up, no matter what you do.

CreationNat1on · 09/02/2025 12:15

They rob from you in every way. Addiction is parasitic. He is in addiction right now, the only person that can help him is himself.

Orangeandgold · 09/02/2025 12:22

My ex was like this. Sadly it happened after we had our daughter. It was weed and to this day I don’t know if he went into stronger stuff, but he was definitely “happier” high and completely irrational, paranoid and verbally abusive when he was “normal”. We knew eachother since childhood so I’ve always known his default personality and generally, he was a very nice and caring person but his addiction meant that he wasn’t himself.

Cut him off. He is the only one that can help himself. It isn’t your job to change him.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 09/02/2025 12:30

I know you don’t have any children with this man but how are things going with your own child @Griefinthenight ?
You have your own family and I am sure they care about you.
You deserve to be happy.
If his own family have all walked away that says a lot.
If his ex was eventually able to move on and have a life without him, so can you.
The worst thing to do is to sit and ruminate looking at your phone.
He doesn’t care about what happens to you and hasn’t for a long time because he can’t even care for himself.
Try and get some time with people who know you and care about you in all of this and spend time with them.
You deserve to be safe and happy now.

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 13:40

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 09/02/2025 12:30

I know you don’t have any children with this man but how are things going with your own child @Griefinthenight ?
You have your own family and I am sure they care about you.
You deserve to be happy.
If his own family have all walked away that says a lot.
If his ex was eventually able to move on and have a life without him, so can you.
The worst thing to do is to sit and ruminate looking at your phone.
He doesn’t care about what happens to you and hasn’t for a long time because he can’t even care for himself.
Try and get some time with people who know you and care about you in all of this and spend time with them.
You deserve to be safe and happy now.

I know and thank you for all the posts you have wrote to me. I understand I look pathetic and weak and like I have my priorities wrong. But I do try. I go to work. I cook meals. I am currently playing lego on the ps4 with My son. I am a good person. I tick all the boxes everyday. I am trying so hard to stop the thoughts. I had a great 2 weeks. Then he contacted me saying he had being thrown out his flat that today and would be sleeping on a bench. It just triggered all my stress responses. Then I got told he'd been arrested and he's not been in contact with anyone since. The last message I got was he had not long left the police station and it was a long story and he asked if I was off work. So now my brains thinking was somebody waiting for him when he got back to wherever he's staying to deal with him. Or is he dead. I can't stand my brain when its like this. But I know I need to learn to detach.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 09/02/2025 13:45

Honestly you are doing your best. I bet your son adores you. You have a little guy there who really is your person, the real deal, the one who matters most.
You have a whole, whole life to be lived with him.
You have a chance here to end this.
Once someone who is around drugs is arrested it doesn’t end well I have seen it. Seen ordinary, decent people dragged into hell and it’s hard to come back from.
Please, please let him go. Choose you and your son and your happiness together over him.

dorathexplorer · 09/02/2025 14:26

Accept that he may die. Accept that he is a loser. Accept that you have no influence over what he does. I remember when I did online counselling about anxiety they said make lists - things I can change and things I cannot change. If they are in that second list then accept that.
You could also go to your Gp and tell him/her exactly what you have said here. They will refer you to online counselling which may be helpful and they may suggest an anti anxiety that will help.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/02/2025 14:31

Griefinthenight · 08/02/2025 07:51

When I'm not busy my heads just stuck on the past and what it used to be. I'm so scared he will die too. I am sad. So sad. But I need to sort it out

You've said you don't want therapy - but you need it. It must be really hard, and even if you know you should forget it and move on, it's obviously not that easy.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/02/2025 14:32

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 11:47

No we haven't been together a few months. I've managed 3 weeks no contact but he still ends up contacting me when things are bad and certain situations happen. It kinda puts me back in my recovery. He changes his numbers like I change my socks.

Block him everywhere.

BMW6 · 09/02/2025 14:42

Why won't you change YOUR number and only give the new one to those who will not pass it on to him or tell you anything about him?

Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 15:17

CreationNat1on · 09/02/2025 12:14

Adult child of a kind alcoholic here. I have a tendancy to enjoy the company of male addicts. I see my pattern now, and protect myself better. Addicts can be very romantic (usually on something or under some influence). In good times, they are great, funny, playful, romantic company. When they focus on you, it's wonderful, when you are their partner in crime.

However when you need support, when you want something, when you ate under the influence of something they have supplied, they want nothing to do with you. They want support but zero responsibility for how they impact other people.

Be a cold hearted bint and put yourself first. He will fuck himself up, no matter what you do.

Thank you. You are right. He made me feel so intensely in love in the past. I was the center of his world sometimes. I miss him in stupid ways. Used to love Sundays with him. We go buy everything to make a big roast. Walk the dog. Then he'd cook and we'd watch a film. He'd run me a bath later on. It sounds boring but it's where my brain goes. I end up almost in self pity sometimes thinking why doesn't he miss those days.

I got a message an hour ago saying he's OK and will ring later. So he's choosen to ignore everyone since yesterday. So I messaged and said you don't need to ring. You aren't bothered about talking. So let's leave it. I have blocked his latest number now. I do feel woken up realising he's not given a hoot about responding to anyone for over 24 hours. He's not worrying about me or of I'm safe and alive. So sod him now. I'm sorry for the blip

OP posts:
Griefinthenight · 09/02/2025 15:23

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/02/2025 14:31

You've said you don't want therapy - but you need it. It must be really hard, and even if you know you should forget it and move on, it's obviously not that easy.

It's just the £70 a week cost for therapy. Its a luxury really. I perhaps need to look online for some podcasts or videos to listen to. I've had therapy before. Didn't find it life changing as I needed to leave him and no amount of therapy was helping back then.

OP posts:
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