If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

[Likao]

I am 40 and we have 1 dc age 2. I do everything for dd in terms of nursery runs, packing bags, ensuring dd has new shoes that fit, taking her to appointments etc. Any admin you can think of, I do.

i also work full time from home, so I have flexibility which is why I do nursery etc. At weekends DP will take dd out from 10ish to 4pm ish on a Saturday or Sunday so I can have a break. I don’t think this is ok or enough and I’m starting to get really pissed off that everything is left to me.

if I ask DP to do a specific task like put a wash on or pick up some food then he will. But what infuriates me is there is NEVER a sense of urgency from him to be home at a reasonable time and he would absolutely never ensure he was there to collect dd from nursery for example. I have to cut my data short often to collect her if unwell but he literally does not think he can do this because he can’t just leave patients (in his words). Obviously I know that there is a difference with his job but I am absolutely at the end of my tether tonight and very upset he’s been at work since 6am and not even asked how I’ve got on with dd and her bedtime (she’s very difficult at the moment). It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone. It’s caused loads of arguments the last few weeks as I feel totally put upon. I don’t feel I have an equal relationship and the only answer I get back is that his job means he can’t do more. I’m sick of it all, should I expect more, is it fair?

I'm Not married to a surgeon but I am a teacher so automatically all school holiday childcare falls to me. To be honest I love it and I would never dream of insisting ny dh take off half the holidays (his holiday entitlement is way smaller than mine). My 13 weeks is about the only perk of my job and its that flexibility which allowed us to have no childcare fees for 13 weeks a year when the kids were younger.

You won't be able to change the nature of his career so I suspect you need to become at peace with your role. If you were both surgeons it's unlikely you'd both be able to continue full time without a nanny and a cleaner. So what will help you now? Do you need a cleaner? Do you need dh to go part time? Do you need to to part time. Sit down and have a proper conversation about what your future will look like e.g when your dc starts school, the school holiday etc. Ask him how he will adjust his career?

I agree with a lot of what @jamontoast2 says.

Candidly, your set up is not unusual even for a lot of women whose husbands aren't surgeons BUT that doesn't make it okay and yanbu to feel like this.

i think part of the issues is your set up is not great. You need down time (which is normal imo) but that is coming at the expense of weekend family time wjich is bad imo

It doesmt sound like the marriage is dead and You aren't low income so have options... in your shoes I'd be doing a few things.

1. Firstly def get on good contraceptive if.you aren't already and Put more kids on pause!
2. Outsource some things - use family budget for time saving measures like a cleaner/laundry service/cook meals etc
3. Automate what you can i set up subscriptions.and have an outline food shop template.
4. Start training your child to do chores now

My almost 3 yo can get cutlery, get her bib and put it away, get her own water. After pick up and before bed she will tidy up toys and often "helps me" with laundry (ie folding or loading)

1. Look at getting someone over in the evenings 1 or 2 nights per week, local Childminders often moonlight at babysitting so get your child familar with them and use the evening to go to class / the gym / whatever.
2. Linked to previous build.out a network of at least 2 ideally 3-4 people you child is comfortable being left with (this requires regular exposure / use of childcare so the child is familiar / comfortable with them)
3. Try to come to peace with your situation.

Easier said than done i know.
I bought into the hype that if i just picked my dh carefully enough it would be 50/50 and i wpuldnt "get screwed". Its not, it never is...and I've concluded women who think they have 50/50 are dim, deluded or the 1 in a literal million. you are the mother. you are the primary carer. Its inescapable. You can delegate "dentist responsibility", "vaccinations" or whatever but ultimately you are the one paying attention and making sure it gets done.

Solidarity OP. I’m married to an anaesthetic reg. Assume your DH is also a reg- very easy to spot non doctors on this thread suggesting a surgical trainee should simply go LTFT (and that he can use his massive salary to buy loads of extra help… sigh). If he is a consultant then I do think he’s taking the piss a bit.

The childcare split seems reasonable enough- I know when I go back from Mat leave and DC is in nursery I will do every pick up and drop off except the odd zero day after on calls. What does seem unfair is him not doing anything else re cooking or shopping or taking on the mental load. Can he do the supermarket trip with DC at weekend (including planning food for the week, even if you have to cook it)?

And I wouldn’t like the non urgency to get home. It might be different for the surgeons but (if DH is not on call) the last case is often finished by 4.15/4.30 and he can head home then. If he’s reading up on tomorrow’s patients can that be done from home? Does he not have clinic days? I would push a bit on exactly what’s causing him to run late. Sometimes it will be a patient on the table but not everyday.

He really can’t just leave his patients, I mean people’s operations would be cancelled. I know that’s tough for you, but I guess you knew this when you married and had a child with him. A whole day off at the weekend is something i’d have killed for when mine were little. Set up a rota for week day evenings so you’re not having to ask him to do things. I think you just have to accept you’re the default parent when she’s sick. I was a single parent for many years, it’s not easy doing everything. Can you drop some hours / pay for a cleaner?

You're being ridiculous. Get a grip.

I'd suggest hiring someone to help you with childcare and housework. I understand that you're frustrated and fed up but a surgical career demands full commitment - as a patient I would expect nothing less. If you were to divorce, you'd likely have at least 3 days a week where you'd need to employ someone to help you anyway. Plus loss of income and incredible stress from the split, among other issues.

It is compared to many mothers. Not saying if it’s right or wrong, but many mothers on here don’t get 6hrs child free per week. I never did, outside of time I was at work. My ex partner never took the kids out to give me a break, not even for a walk in the pram, or drove them to the park. It’s only now they’ve grown up I can go out whenever I like and spend my weekends how I like. I’d have killed for 6hrs child free every week.

I think you are being unreasonable with this statement as a block of time it is pretty exceptional and a real commitment from your DH. You probably also get half an hour or an hour each evening after bedtime.

Not unreasonable to wish things were different but is that realistic right now? As he climbs the ladder it may become easier

Disgusting

Literally every surgeon i know works at least 20‰ more than full time.

I get 6 hours to myself once every 8 weeks ..... We both work full time, have 2 children. I agree 6 hours alone per week would be a dream!

I have to say, I am depressed by the number of women who are saying that six hours a week to oneself a week is “loads”. Just because you don’t get it doesn’t make it “loads.” Why are so few of you getting any me-time? Do you get to go out in the evenings? For dinner with friends? For lunch on the weekends? For a swim? What do you do if it’s not work and childcare and how haven’t you all plotted a revolution yet?

OP, like you, I expect some time to myself so I hear you. Yes he has a big job but as the many women surgeons and hospital consultants on this thread have demonstrated, they put their shift in childcare wise. (I wonder why that is.) As do some of the other surgeon husbands. So it sounds like you have one who isn’t pulling his weight as much as he could be.

Time to sit down and discuss it properly. Life is too short to be so unhappy.

And everyone else, ask for a bloody Saturday off!

Actually, don’t ask, TAKE a bloody Saturday off!

It is quite a lot of time.

For comparison I get 2 hours out of the house doing an activity I enjoy. I am never home alone.

Does your H get 6 hours a week doing what he likes?

I think feeling like you're solo parenting in the week is a very tough gig. You've got no one to share the load with. Everything is on you. Your child is at a tricky age too, into everything, too small for reasoning with, needs constant watching. That definitely gets easier as they get older.

Will this change in the next few years?

Go part time or give up work as you’re obviously not coping. Get a nanny full or part time,then get a life outside home - a hobby/sport/meet friends. Your husband sounds a saint tbh especially on Saturdays and he’s a surgeon- what do you want him to do? Mmmm cancel that operation as I need to get home to do nursery pick up. YABU.

YANBU.

There will be people here who are saying YABU but they don’t really have insight into both sides of the coin here. I think you’re both struggling with different things but that he is using his job as an excuse to check out of the tiring and more unrewarding parts of parenting. Perhaps he always assumed that you’re a woman so you would pick it all up, and that it isn’t that important?

Your husband is a surgeon but he doesn’t operate every single day (probably only max of 2 days per week) and he isn’t on-call every single day (probably only every few weeks). So what does he do in the other time? Where are his clinics and why do they overrun? He will have SPA time (for admin) which would allow him to start/finish on time for drop offs and pick ups. Do you have a shared calendar so that you can see his shifts or timetable for weeks and months in advance? If not, why not? Is he a registrar or a consultant? What sub specialty is he? It’s trickier as a registrar because his schedule is more erratic and the hours longer, but even then he should have time off in lieu when he does long weekends on call or nights. If he’s a consultant then there will absolutely be days when he has a predictable finish time. I cannot think of a sub specialty where this wouldn’t be the case. Do you know any of his colleagues? Is he happy in his work or is he struggling?

Can you organise a babysitter for the day time on Saturdays and/or Sundays so that you can have adult time together, even just to go for a walk? It would be good for you both to have the headspace to discuss this when it’s not the end of a tiring day for you both.

Yes his job is intense but as others have said, there will be days with more predictable “office” hours and those are the days to focus on. There will also be days that lists finish early or are cancelled. At the moment, you feel like you’re the only one sacrificing your career and mental energy, and feeling increasingly resentful because your husband doesn’t care. It can’t continue like this and you both need to negotiate and understand each other better. It’s good that he sees you need a break, but it’s time to adapt and adjust in some way. Consider paid help. If he’s a registrar or early in his consultant career there should still be enough to stretch to a babysitter once a fortnight.

Unfortunately you’re in the thick of it now with a 2 year old, but it does get easier in a year or two and the sad truth is that when it does get more enjoyable for you, your child probably won’t like spending time with their dad.

To be frank, I think you need to start counting your blessings a bit.

You have one healthy child, you have a WFH job that gives you flexibility, you have financial security and your husband’s career progression means that one day you may be very comfortable indeed. Your husband, after working a full week in a demanding job, then takes your child for 6 hours on the weekend to give you a break.

Could you start a bit of gratitude practice each morning maybe?

Martyrdom. Then they have something to complain about.

Surely you can farm out some jobs if your dh is a consultant (hardly minimum wage). Cleaner, even laundry/ironing, nanny etc.

No one wants to hear, sorry you can’t have your op the surgeon’s got too much ironing piled up.

Anaesthetist. I wouldn't date one. They have so much obligation to get adequate case numbers up they often stay hours beyond their shift, come in on days off etcetc. The hours will be better once a consultant unless go into private work too

But you have got more weekend freedom than most, I'd just try to outsource as much as you can x

OP, ignore the posters who think your flexible WFH job and 6 hours to yourself is a dream. I suspect that your flexible WFH job just makes you feel even more frazzled - every spare moment of your day is filled with child admin and you don’t get a short mental break to speak to a colleague. Everywhere you look around there is just more work for you to do. At least if you went into the office there would be someone else to empty the bin. I guarantee that your husband will still have time for a coffee break and some time to chat to colleagues will be good for him. It’s bloody hard not having that.

If he came home and told you how wonderful and amazing it is that you do all of these things and kissed and held you, then you wouldn’t be feeling like this. I hope you both get the time and headspace to reconnect and talk, or resentment could build on both sides.

Hire a regular babysitter. Even if it feels like money can’t stretch that far, it’s an investment in your marriage. Similarly, get a cleaner once a fortnight or see if someone can batch cook some meals for you. Not much spare cash if your husband is a registrar on far away rotations (or is he a consultant?) but it might save your well being and sanity now and save your marriage. This won’t go on forever… unless he thinks it will.

Married to a (not general) surgeon here OP. I work as a trainee doctor. Getting a nanny/housekeeper for a few hours a week saved our marriage/my sanity. Iv accepted we are not going to save any money at all when the children are young so find it worth spending it on a nanny housekeeper. I think otherwise I would end up with a divorce due to the resentment. There could be other factors too eg burnout/mental health etc.

I'm married to a surgeon, children are now in their 20s so it's been a while. Life can be really tough as the main caregiver - I did all school drop off and pick ups throughout the children's schooling. I was working FT as a teacher for most of this time. Mental load was definitely mine (and still is). He went away a lot to conferences. Developed an academic career. Progressed within the NHS. We were told we had our children too young - first born when he was an SHO (second year after qualifying).

However, he was as "present" as possible when home, not necessarily great with house stuff but a good dad. Gave the children time, played with them, took them to activities. All of which helped me.

I'm not saying it has been easy and I did look at other families that had more time together and feel envious at times. End result is we worked as a team, his career is still progressing so he doesn't have much more time, but children have (largely), flown the nest so my life is easier!

What I'm trying to say is get support where you can. It does get easier. Life will be challenging but you can get through it.

It's cos your husbands a reg. Anaesthetic bosses are lovely and often send us regs home way before the actual list finishes (most finish around 6 earliest but v v common they are still running at 7/8 ock). Surgical consultants a) would never do that b) regs can't as they'll lose their numbers and practice. In anaesthetics 90% of our training is giving anaesthetics, surgeons have to cover a lot more other stuff (wards clinics a&e etc so time in theatre is more precious from a learning perspective vs us, once the pt is settled on the table there's not tons to do until time to take the tube out, and by the time we are a reg that doesn't really add to our learning so our bosses let us leave

Yea to the cooking, I resort to mass batch cooking and a freezer full of tub foods else my diet would be horrific

We can't read up about pts from home in my current trust as it's not an app based patient record system like my last hospital, I compensate for getting in at 7am