What should I throw at this man?

[ButFirstCovfefe]

For the past six months or so I have been ‘woken’ at 5.45-6.15 am by a man “huakk”-ing and spitting outside my house.
If I’m already awake I recognise his footsteps and it’s ALWAYS right outside my house. It’s so guttural and then the spit it makes me feel sick.

I live on a feeder road for the high street, so I expect footfall, talking, cars, dogs and general noise. At weekends we get the nightclub/pub crowds. None have ever bothered me.

Do you think he only allows himself to do such a heinous act every “X” amount of houses? Do you think he has taken great dislike to the tree outside my house? Could he be using the rainwater drain and actually thinks he’s an upstanding member of the community because he’s so thoughtful?

Honestly, I can’t even explain the sound, but I’m sure you’ve heard it and know the exact one.

So…water pistol or wet loo roll tomorrow morning?

(note: please don’t take this too seriously)

Any chance you have a crossbow?

Do you have the time and patience to train a large bird?

Hello, 👮‍♀️ here

I can lend you my taser?!

Box of tissues. Tell him to use them.

An outside dog will so the trick. Especially if he sneaks up and barks right at him 😂

Earplugs

It’s been six months. I think I have a couple of years in me to befriend a crow by giving it shiny trinkets, then train it to attack on command.

If that fails…looks like I’m getting a cross bow 🤷‍♀️

I’m glad everyone understands the seriousness of this. I bet he manspreads on trains too.

Sellotape the box of tissues to the tree, but attach them by a string to a bag of flour in the branch above, so that it descends and covers him when he takes one…

A filled bedchamber pot that you chucketh from thy window....

Bb gun here...
But honestly run to the window and tell him he's a disgusting pig... Take a pic and shame him on local news page..
Fucking grim is spitting...

Pan of frying oil. The older and grosser, the better. I suggest hitting up the local McDonald's 🤣

Or skip the tissues and go straight to the flour bag...

Do you have a megaphone and a very bright torch? Next time you hear the hauuuk start, shine the light and shout 'stop spitting'!

Totally fair and proportionate

Omg I could have written this post myself about a neighbour I have. The gutteral spluttering and spit makes me feel sick when I hear it. Stupid o’clock in the morning as well.

The crossbow ‘jokes’ are not remotely funny.

I could try to drop a cat on him? Maybe he’s asthmatic. If not then they have claws and I have 9 attempts.

@Renamed this had me chuckling

@Stripeyanddotty
But chamber pots, bags of flour and birds are completely serious.

I can post you my neighbour's cat if you don't have one to hand. Only has eight lives left though I'm afraid.

Slingshot?

Cold cup of piss

Jetwasher.

Nerf gun

Would you like to borrow one of our Llamas to beat him at his own game? Now they can spit. In fact they can spit saliva and stomach contents over a distance of about 6ft. No charge! Failing that you can buy a No Spitting sign on eBay for your tree.

Actually my MIL has dogs on her ring doorbell and it sounds quite realistic. Maybe play dogs barking when he does it, might be enough to encourage him to do it elsewhere....