What should I throw at this man?

[ButFirstCovfefe]

For the past six months or so I have been ‘woken’ at 5.45-6.15 am by a man “huakk”-ing and spitting outside my house.
If I’m already awake I recognise his footsteps and it’s ALWAYS right outside my house. It’s so guttural and then the spit it makes me feel sick.

I live on a feeder road for the high street, so I expect footfall, talking, cars, dogs and general noise. At weekends we get the nightclub/pub crowds. None have ever bothered me.

Do you think he only allows himself to do such a heinous act every “X” amount of houses? Do you think he has taken great dislike to the tree outside my house? Could he be using the rainwater drain and actually thinks he’s an upstanding member of the community because he’s so thoughtful?

Honestly, I can’t even explain the sound, but I’m sure you’ve heard it and know the exact one.

So…water pistol or wet loo roll tomorrow morning?

(note: please don’t take this too seriously)

Bang on the window loudly but then hide so he isn't sure where the noise came from but gets the hint (hopefully) 🙈

Your neighbour vomited on your daughter's ex boyfriends coat? 😜

One of my DC wanted pet magenpies (magpies) after reading about and watching The Durrells. A friend had a pet mynah bird but it was very foul-mouthed.

How about a phlegm activated searchlight?

Spitoon?

Lob a soaking wet sponge out of the window aimed at his head and shout "clean it up you nasty pig"

Teach your Crow Master to approach at low altitude - you might need to attach two lights to his wings so that they converge at the required height - and then to release two halves of a tennis ball loosely fixed together and holding a solution of PVA adhesive and lots of glitter in such a manner that it bounces like a stone skimming across a pond until it hits him in the back of the head and detonates separates at the ideal location for maximum glitterage.

You might need some more Corvids to do this properly, mind.

Russell? Sheryl?

We read one of the books at school, about a hundred years ago, and to this day I still call them magenpies.

Hot or cold?

A nice bendy plastic ruler and some cold porridge.

This is practically poetic. I love it!

Write 'STOP GOBBING YOU DISGUSTING GIT'

In chalk in large letters on the pavement before he gets to your house?

Or write it on a sign and hang it on several lamp posts all along the road

What's the approx distance from your window to this foul creature? Like, would a simple arm toss reach him or do we need to fashion a glitter filled balloon on a slingshot?

I'd favour the latter tbh, take him out sniper-style in the dark then laugh maniacally while calling him a dirtbird!

Evil genius!

A tin of tomato soup (or beans) - either still in or out of the can.

Any chance you live opposite me because I get that every morning too.

I would not confront such a scrote, but you could put a sign on your wall/fence/gate calling it out. Then he'll know you've noticed.

Used to result in fines and probably still does in some countries. It is absolutely disgusting.

Super soaker. Worth staying up/getting up a few times to train him that every time he spits there, he will get a soaking. Wont take long. 3 times tops. And occasional reinforcement when he tries again.

A filled chamberpot. If he chooses to comport himself like a medieval serf, then give him the full experience

Penguin bollard with a 'No huakking here!' sign in the middle of the pavement ?

How about a water pistol filled with cough medicine aimed at his head?

Can you get those glitter bombs on remote control? Put it in the tree & cover the digusting turd.

Several decades ago I remember playing with 'slime balls', about 5-10cm diameter, squishy and sticky, the type you could throw on glass and they'd roll down (not the stuff in pots thats more of a liquid). I'd get a bag full of green slime balls to lob out. Some will stick to him and some around him. You may need a big catapult to get them out in one go.

A tennis ball launcher (for dogs) with water balloons that contain soapy water (& maybe a touch of food colouring for fun)
Hopefully you'll not need many (save the planet) and the soapy water might wash away his filth!!