What should I throw at this man?

[ButFirstCovfefe]

For the past six months or so I have been ‘woken’ at 5.45-6.15 am by a man “huakk”-ing and spitting outside my house.
If I’m already awake I recognise his footsteps and it’s ALWAYS right outside my house. It’s so guttural and then the spit it makes me feel sick.

I live on a feeder road for the high street, so I expect footfall, talking, cars, dogs and general noise. At weekends we get the nightclub/pub crowds. None have ever bothered me.

Do you think he only allows himself to do such a heinous act every “X” amount of houses? Do you think he has taken great dislike to the tree outside my house? Could he be using the rainwater drain and actually thinks he’s an upstanding member of the community because he’s so thoughtful?

Honestly, I can’t even explain the sound, but I’m sure you’ve heard it and know the exact one.

So…water pistol or wet loo roll tomorrow morning?

(note: please don’t take this too seriously)

Wet loo roll sounds like a good plan. Fill it with glitter. Lots and lots of glitter.

I have a small child that might do the job. He's 7. Doesn't eat much but would pack a mean wallop if thrown at someone?

this is completely a joke for anyone that doesn't get that

Get a Karaoke machine and a microphone (they were apparently the Christmas Gift of 2024 on Temu) 😆 and speak into the microphone saying “You wake me up every morning so please stop coughing up your spit and phlegm. It’s disgusting. Tomorrow I’m going to spray you with water if you do it again. You have been warned!”

Not a bad idea.
Can you make a coughing sound or similar, or something witty (it's too late and I'm too tired to think what that might be) and repeat, repeat, repeat each time?

Mix flour and water into a sloppy but handalble gloopy mess and fire it at using a catapult the spot he normally spits at exactly the same time as he spits , he will wonder what the hell he coughed up .
If it doesn't work you could just fire it directly on him

Napalm is the solution

He'll never trouble you again.

One of those massive confetti cannons...

We have a horrible neighbour and, without any training our cat started using their front garden as a toilet. I don’t know if they’re aware as it’s shrubbery, but we’ve seen him squatting many times.

He also took a weird dislike to my daughter’s ex boyfriend who turned out to be a wrongun. He vomited on his coat (left on the floor in the hallway)

I’ll pop him on the train to visit you in the morning

Like I say, he’s not trained, so I can’t guarantee what he’ll do to your vile passer by, but you wont regret having him to stay (he likes yellow dreamies best)

Paintball gun

I often dream of mounting a paintball gun on my bicycle to mark all dangerous drivers in lurid yellow paint splodges

That was my thought too.

"Garde a l’eau!”

Glitter is almost beating the crow. (Not literally, because I feel I should be clear on that).

Get some chalk and mark the pavement into a game board, assign a score for each square and make sure his yesterdays loogie is in a low scoring square.

Apologies. It has just been pointed out to me at home that I have under-reported our Llamas' spitting distance in my rush to help but it is too late to edit. It is actually 12ft or so if that makes any difference to you. I could also offer 2 highly trained guard and attack geese, although their alarm calls and hissing might bother you more than your delightful early morning visitor.

Insults.

Tarzan roar loudly right out of the window

Do you have access to a cauldron and some oil to boil? Or tar and feathers? The crow you're going to train could probably assist you in rounding up sufficient feathers for this. And you might find a friendly street resurfacer who will provide some tar(mac) for free?

Could PVA glue and cat hair be substitutes?

Actually this might all take a bit longer than I envisioned as I’ll first have to train the cats not to eat my crow. 🐦‍⬛

I reckon pva glue and cat hair will work 1st time. Save the tar and feathers for if the cat hair doesn't work. Gives you time to separate the cat and the crow too (and will tell you if he also has allergies you can exploit)

I am going to sound very boring here
I grew up in Northern Ireland
Tarring and feathering was a punishment meted out to women who ‘associated’ with British soldiers. It involved hot tar being poured on their heads and then feathers stuck to them. They were then forced to walk in their community while abuse wad shouted at them.
Please stick to lighthearted glitter jokes.

It's all getting a bit complicated. Is it just time for a new patio?

Have you chosen a name for your crow?

I’d set my alarm and prop the window open waiting and shout “not today thanks mate” at him when he does it. He’ll think you’re mad but I bet it works if you do it for a week!

I genuinely do need a new patio.

…..but I’m also really really wanting a pet crow now. Not even to mete out revenge, but because I’m getting really fond of (the idea of) him.

Super soaker filled with wee ?

Don’t be silly, he’ll tell me his name when he trusts me enough to talk to me. I’ll probably call him “sir” or “my lord” until that happens, for propriety’s sake.