What should I throw at this man?

[ButFirstCovfefe]

For the past six months or so I have been ‘woken’ at 5.45-6.15 am by a man “huakk”-ing and spitting outside my house.
If I’m already awake I recognise his footsteps and it’s ALWAYS right outside my house. It’s so guttural and then the spit it makes me feel sick.

I live on a feeder road for the high street, so I expect footfall, talking, cars, dogs and general noise. At weekends we get the nightclub/pub crowds. None have ever bothered me.

Do you think he only allows himself to do such a heinous act every “X” amount of houses? Do you think he has taken great dislike to the tree outside my house? Could he be using the rainwater drain and actually thinks he’s an upstanding member of the community because he’s so thoughtful?

Honestly, I can’t even explain the sound, but I’m sure you’ve heard it and know the exact one.

So…water pistol or wet loo roll tomorrow morning?

(note: please don’t take this too seriously)

Alas, I can’t actually say anything to him. He’s quite an intimidating person to look at. That could be an unjust prejudgment and he’s actually a big teddy bear with post nasal drip, but I couldn’t risk any fallout/retaliation.

But at least now when he wakes me up I think of all your brilliant (and I’m sure truly sincere) ideas.

Water on a rainy day is quite difficult to trace. Super Soaker shot from behind? Make sure you and the gun are well hidden - aim, pull trigger and duck.

This reminded me that me and my siblings used to peer out of our bedroom window onto the busy street below as teens and shine a laser pen at pedestrians walking by. Just a little dash of light is enough to put someone off their stride and distract them from their actions!

We don't want any softy southern crows coming over here and taking our crows' jobs, although I'm sure someone could knit them little woolly tank tops with larger armholes for their wings.

Trebuchet, loaded with very rotten tomatoes should do the trick! Spitting is gross. There's a shopping area near where I live, which I avoid at all costs. A lot of Eastern European men around and this seems to be a habit of theirs. They just hawk up and spit where they like. (I did make an angry comment once, as one passed me and virtually hit my foot with it. He turned round and told me to "fuck off bitch"! Nice).
You have to stare at the pavement constantly to avoid it all, it's absolutely vile.
You could put an oiled sheet of cling film across the path! Maybe he'd land in his own phlegm as he went on his arse!

I can’t explain how but we actually own a trebuchet. (Albeit built by my child with a wonderful weight system, but it works wonders with water balloons…and smelly socks… at up to 14m.)

Get in!!! There you go then, you could fire a whole host of revolting items at him! I'd be all over that, what a bonus! Who cares why you have it, you've got it, the ultimate weapon against Mr Hawker!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Does this mean that I should stop knitting the little woolly tank tops?

Something to trip over- red laser