What should I throw at this man?

[ButFirstCovfefe]

For the past six months or so I have been ‘woken’ at 5.45-6.15 am by a man “huakk”-ing and spitting outside my house.
If I’m already awake I recognise his footsteps and it’s ALWAYS right outside my house. It’s so guttural and then the spit it makes me feel sick.

I live on a feeder road for the high street, so I expect footfall, talking, cars, dogs and general noise. At weekends we get the nightclub/pub crowds. None have ever bothered me.

Do you think he only allows himself to do such a heinous act every “X” amount of houses? Do you think he has taken great dislike to the tree outside my house? Could he be using the rainwater drain and actually thinks he’s an upstanding member of the community because he’s so thoughtful?

Honestly, I can’t even explain the sound, but I’m sure you’ve heard it and know the exact one.

So…water pistol or wet loo roll tomorrow morning?

(note: please don’t take this too seriously)

My partner saw his friend’s sister do this across the road from his parents house one day! She didn’t know where they lived either so it wasn’t personal 🤣 I can’t look her in the eye now!

I love this level of petty!!

I love this thread ❤️
Where does one find a crow to tame?
When one has the crow what distinguishing feature (apart from phlegm) does this man have so you can train the crow to attack on sight?

Oh my god! 😂 I'm sat here giggling my head off at this thread (not the spitting ect that's just disgusting) but I sympathise OP.

When I was pregnant with my second DD I was sat eating a lovely butty from the bakery while waiting for a bus. Some dude comes along does that horrid sound your on about and shoots the shite out his nose into the bin next to me. Hormonal as I was I threw the remainder of my butty at him and called him a dirty bastard. My hubby was like wtaf is going on and did you just chuck your butty at that dude 😂😂😂😂😂.

P.S need something with glitter, I hate the stuff it sticks to everything and just won't go away. Turn him into a pretty little fairy 😁

But first @ButFirstCovfefe would have to ensure she isn't within Chester main city wall, and that the man isn't Welsh!

Install a movement sensored light, dog bark and watering hose that activates a wide water spray at the tree..
Turn your alarm to 5:45am to switch the sensor on when he approaches.
"Sorry Mate, just me and my Alsation watering the tree."
Have that occur every morning.

Maybe you could throw the hawk tuah girl at him, they could hang out together.

OP, once your crow has been trained, it will defend against your grotty neighbour for a fair old while.

Scientists found that crows have been known to hold a grudge against certain people for 17 years 😳

My car is usually parked on the road (no driveway) and there is a grass verge and bushes nearby. Occasionally men decide to piss here. Never seen a woman piss here. Usually taxi drivers or workmen. For example: house on the street had an extension (so did we, we included hire of portaloo for ours, they did not). Everyday for weeks they had two builders pissing in the bush by my car. Now, some might not be bothered by this but it really boiled my piss to watch them strut over and piss and then strut away across the road whilst zipping up their trousers. It is minging. I have to tell my kids not to walk across the grass because it is piss alley.

So (and relevant to OP) I used to set my car alarm off from my house as they pissed. Made my day.

Perhaps he is a professional footballer on his way to or from his early morning training sessions. They tend to be rampant spitters.

Concerned letter to all the neighbours about TB in the area. Spitting and hawking on the pavement, concerning numbers of early morning incidents and "local help and support available"

This is a really bizarre and random suggestion. I see no reason for the hoiking man to connect that to his morning spit. He'd just think it was really weird, which it would be.

The fastest way to a crow's heart is to feed them. Cheap porridge oats and old cat food - you know when the fussy brats only eat half of it and leave the rest to dry out in the heat, then demand fresh food to repeat the process, that kind of old food.

The crows will let small garden birds eat first so don't put out cat food until the little birds are done.

One of my idiots thinks she could catch a seagull but she never goes out, the others have never shown any interest in crows so it may be a quick process to train the cats.

I may have fat crows in my garden. 🐦‍⬛

Hawk tuaaah spit on that thang

I once had a friendly crow in the garden. I imaginatively called him Crow.

His name is and shall ever be…CrowMan. Tomorrow, wait for CrowMan. The moment he does what CrowMan does, you lean out of your window and exclaim loudly enough for all neighbours to hear- “Euuuugh, CrowMan, that is dissssgusting!! Euuuugh!” Wait for eye contact and then promptly close your window, turn on your heel and resume your idle reading of “Crows-An Owners Guide” whilst smoking a rather large Cuban cigar and wearing your favourite purple velvet smoking jacket. It is, obviously, your only remaining option and will be entirely effective when delivered with dripping hatred in your tones. Do let us know how this goes!

@ThatUniqueKoala .relevant doesnt have to be funny. spudgun? waterblaster/fire extinguisher? voodoo.?

I’d make sure it’s a clear night and chalk a message to him on the pavement. Although you may have to wait a week or two until it’s light at that time.
I remember a plague of spitting at school. One teacher used to punish the culprits by making them copy out pages on tb from a medical textbook.

It's illegal

Can you not just go out and politely ask him to sod off and keep his manky germs to himself or hawk on his own premises?? Seriously though I'd make a point of telling him that it's knocking me sick, most folk are reasonable enough if you go about it in the right way. It's dirty right enough yuk!

Nerf gun

My car alarm has 2 buttons on it. If you press the wrong one the alarm sounds. Do you have similar? If so set it off as he walks past.
Alternatively get a seagull to shit on him from a great height. There's a few at Weston-super-Mare that seem to have impeccable aim.

@ButFirstCovfefe get Caledonian crows. They are from New Zealand and the most intelligent . They might find the northern hemisphere rather cold though. Or you could try another NZ bird- the Kea. They will mob and attack people and even mug them. Come to think of it , St. Ives seagulls are pretty good that way too.
I've also heard that Sandwich terns, when they feel attacked, will join together and poo bomb their predators. How about a flock of Sandwich terns?

A bucket of blood. Like in Carrie.

Well yes, this is clearly a completely serious post. I’ll be sure to get indemnity insurance for my crow army.