To be fuming about this work meeting?

[olegsyka]

Just had the most infuriating meeting at work and need to vent before I explode.

Backstory: I work in a fairly small team, been there a few years, generally get on with everyone. But we have this one colleague (let’s call him Steve, because of course he’s a Steve) who is one of those people. Talks over everyone, loves the sound of his own voice, manages to say a lot without actually saying anything. You know the type.

Anyway, today we had a big meeting with senior management. Everyone had prepped, I had quite a bit to contribute because I’ve been working on a particular project for months. Meeting starts, and Steve IMMEDIATELY hijacks it. Every time I tried to speak, he either talked over me or “helpfully” rephrased what I’d just said (but worse). At one point, I literally had my mouth open to respond to a question from the boss, and he just steamrolled in and answered for me – and he was WRONG.

I caught my manager’s eye a couple of times and she looked sympathetic but didn’t step in. I didn’t want to be that person who kicks up a fuss in front of the big boss, so I bit my tongue. But I am RAGING. I’ve worked my backside off on this, and he’s just swooped in, talked over me, and taken credit for things I’VE DONE.

AIBU to be furious? And how do I deal with this without looking like a stroppy cow? I don’t want to go full-on confrontation, but I also can’t let this keep happening.

TL;DR: Colleague keeps hijacking meetings, talking over me, and taking credit for my work. How do I shut it down?

Why didnt you speak up? If no one corrects him he will just carry on. He sounds fucking annoying.

There was a guy that was so bad, I just held up a sign (written on the back of a file folder) that said, Steve, please stop interrupting me and held it there until he noticed. Much sniggering ensued, and he didn't do it again in the meeting. I kept it pinned on my corkboard and brought it with me, and put it on top of the stack of papers I took with me. Never happened again.

You could also send round the slides or key discussion points beforehand so it’s clear you are the one who has done the work. A quick, ‘In advance of xxx meeting I’d just like to share my project update. I’ll be talking through the main points and welcome questions and comments at the end’. Then if Steve interrupts you can just say, ‘Thanks Steve, but I want to keep comments to the end to make sure we stay focused and don’t get sidetracked’.

Practice. Do some role play with a sympathetic colleague or friend.

Have a couple of lines to take ready.

Mine was to wait till the interrupter drew breath and then 'just to finish the point I was making' and then continuing to talk. The rude cow in question never interrupted me again.

OP I feel for you and I’ve seen it a thousand times a times as I work in a male dominated industry.

Steve was wrong, wrong, wrong and the senior people in the room should have nipped this in the bud.

But……I personally think as a woman in this situation you need to step in and say something. Others have suggested great things to say but it’s up to you to save yourself in this situation.

We can’t allow this type of behaviour to continue by sitting idly by and complaining about it after. Find your voice, know it’s important and say something.

I don't understand why you didn't speak up?

Would Steve be venting after a meeting like this if roles were reversed? No. Steve doesn't care that much. Be more Steve. Be more assertive next meeting.

"Anyway, today we had a big meeting with senior management. Everyone had prepped, I had quite a bit to contribute because I’ve been working on a particular project for months. Meeting starts, and Steve IMMEDIATELY hijacks it. Every time I tried to speak, he either talked over me ..."

Steve, you need to stop interrupting and talking over me because I've been working on this project for months and I have quite a bit to contribute.

"or “helpfully” rephrased what I’d just said (but worse)."

Well, I prefer the way I said it as it's clearer and more accurate.

"At one point, I literally had my mouth open to respond to a question from the boss, and he just steamrolled in and answered for me – and he was WRONG."

Ms Boss, as you asked me the question, I'd like to respond with my own answer, particularly as Steve has explained it incorrectly.

Another way is to go completely silent, stare off into space then when he has finished, pick up exactly where you left off with no reference to anything he said. It's as if he didn't speak.

The way to do it is to do it. Every time you do it, it gets easier.

“Thanks for your contribution Steve, I’ll take over from here”

just posting to show solidarity. I’ve been in many meetings where women make great points that are glossed over and men make really obvious points which are pounced on as being brilliant. Very frustrating. I do find it hard to navigate these things

Meant to add that, though I hope it doesn't happen, there's a tiny chance that he may get really offensive when politely shut down - since we're now sharing favourites, my own was "Ooooo looks like Puzzled's 'on' this week"

If this should happen, say absolutely nothing but leave a LONG pause while looking him straight in the eye, and then take it up with management afterwards

I didn’t want to come across as difficult or argumentative

You’ve limited your own meeting contribution because of your own sub-conscious gender stereotype around being nice and not being “bossy”. Women don’t need to worry about this shit, you’ve been given a seat at the table, now use your voice and respect yourself. Steve doesn’t care about how he comes across, neither should you.

If you’re not a confrontational person then perhaps make a joke to start with. Like “I answered that without my lips moving”.

I definitely think you should have said something and I would definitely have some phrases ready for the future.

But actually I’d be really annoyed that your boss didn’t speak up.

I have a very similar colleague who is frankly a bully and a lot of the staff are afraid of her.
If she tries talking over people or being rude my boss will immediately step in.

What TouchofSilverShampoo said, do that every time he interrupts.

I've just been teaching assertiveness to my Y7s and how it can be really hard sometimes!

You really need to be assertive.

"Thanks Steve for having a go at answering, but I'm just going to correct you on that as it's not quite right".

"Thanks Steve for all those great contributions. Is there anything else you'd like to add, or can I carry on?"

Start with a positive, be polite but firm.

You may think your boss was sympathetic but she did nothing to rein in Steve. She is either completely wet or was watching how you were going to handle it. I am a manager and I would have shut down Steve. For whatever reason, she didn't so I wouldn't rely on her sympathy.

Don't use passive agressive comments. Just be direct with Steve or he will try it again. Try to build alliances with other who may not appreciate Steve. Lots of the responses suggested on here are excellent. Women want to be seen as polite and nice - men want to win. I don't mind if people call me a bitch or a ballbreaker behind my back - well maybe I'd mind a little bit. But I wouldn't let my staff member be held out to dry like this.

I mean this gently, but Steve isn’t the problem here, your lack of confidence , overthinking about management thinking you’re argumentative and inability to speak up and say your part, is. That’s what you need to focus on.

maybe try to find assertiveness training. Your manager wasn’t looking at you with sympathy as Steve was doing all the talking, it was as she saw you lacked the confidence and assertiveness to speak up.

You know what works? Continue speaking, don’t break your stride, don’t even look at Steve, just hold your hand up, palm facing toward Steve, in a ‘quiet!’ gesture. It’s very effective.

Last time it happened to me I stuck my hand up in the air like I was at school, when the chair called on me I suggested everyone had to do it to prevent people talking over each other!

I have also employed the index finger up, and the words, ‘I haven’t finished’.

You gotta pull your big girl knickers up and arm yourself with shut downs.

Prolonged silence if you’re presenting to ‘create the space’ for Steve to look like a twat. I also will stop dead what I’m saying. Then when he’s finished start the sentance again. It’s actually hilarious watching them try to interject at the same point more than once.

Or ‘Thank you for your input Steve. Just to take a step back for a minute’ continues what I was saying.

‘Thank you for explaining that to the group, Steve. Does anyone have any questions before we move forward?’

"I apologise Steve, I thought that question was meant for me as I was the one it was directed at, but please, do carry on"

I would email your presentation/paper out to the attendees with "we didn't get time to discuss this in full detail so I thought you may find this useful please ask me if you have any questions"

I also am a big believer in work allies, especially men. If Steve talks over other people or repeats what they say do you speak up and say Sarah just said that Steve it was her point originally. Steve Sarah was talking I was interested in her thoughts can you wait until she has finished? Or are you quiet?
I have a work colleague (male) who is good at saying yes that was coffeesnobs idea and she was explaining how it will work. Can we hear more.
Your boss also needs to speak to him.
Does he interrupt men as much? What do they do when he does?