To be fuming about this work meeting?

[olegsyka]

Just had the most infuriating meeting at work and need to vent before I explode.

Backstory: I work in a fairly small team, been there a few years, generally get on with everyone. But we have this one colleague (let’s call him Steve, because of course he’s a Steve) who is one of those people. Talks over everyone, loves the sound of his own voice, manages to say a lot without actually saying anything. You know the type.

Anyway, today we had a big meeting with senior management. Everyone had prepped, I had quite a bit to contribute because I’ve been working on a particular project for months. Meeting starts, and Steve IMMEDIATELY hijacks it. Every time I tried to speak, he either talked over me or “helpfully” rephrased what I’d just said (but worse). At one point, I literally had my mouth open to respond to a question from the boss, and he just steamrolled in and answered for me – and he was WRONG.

I caught my manager’s eye a couple of times and she looked sympathetic but didn’t step in. I didn’t want to be that person who kicks up a fuss in front of the big boss, so I bit my tongue. But I am RAGING. I’ve worked my backside off on this, and he’s just swooped in, talked over me, and taken credit for things I’VE DONE.

AIBU to be furious? And how do I deal with this without looking like a stroppy cow? I don’t want to go full-on confrontation, but I also can’t let this keep happening.

TL;DR: Colleague keeps hijacking meetings, talking over me, and taking credit for my work. How do I shut it down?

If it was your project then you should have been able to interject and do so firmly. For instance, 'I appreciate your input Steve but as I was saying..'. Or, 'actually that's incorrect Steve...' and then gone on with your explanation. Don't apologise, be firm and interrupt/inteject as you need to. I'd identify this as a training need and do some cpd on it as it will help you tackle similar situations in the future.

No one is coming to save you.
Learn a few stock phrases and get ready for battle girl .
Practise in the Office before you have to try it in big meetings.
Personal development

I am a woman small business owner in a male dominated industry and fed up with the male 'bastardary' that surrounds me :-( Thanks for the tip!

As such, I:
Take unnecessary please, thankyou's and sorrys' out of emails.
Cut off people who are interrupting me

^

I like Persephone's post. I'm trying to be more assertive too, it's a work in progress but getting there

Erm surely it's obvious .. you actually pipe up and say something rather than let him shit on you?

You are a professional, you don't need to catch a managers eye and silently hope they will help.

Use the sentences others have suggested but also use assertive body language to back up your words. Sit slightly turned away from him , when he interrupts mid sentence, do not stop speaking, put your index finger up to him to indicate, 'just a minute' if he carries on just say ' wait please' and you carry on with what you are saying.

If he claims.s your work in a meeting g ' you say something along the lines of ' I'm glad you brought this up Steve, I started this project ( date) and I'm happy with the way it has turned out( or similar) in other words claim your work. He isn't going to give you credit and others will just see results and hear what they are told.
Come on, fight for yourself!

I didn’t want to be that person who kicks up a fuss in front of the big boss, so I bit my tongue.

You didn't what to be THAT person who kicks up a fuss? What does that mean? And what exactly is the fuss that you are referring to? You have been working on this project for months and if "Steve" insists on making comments and giving his two pence about the project, especially when his two pence are wrong, why didn't you correct him there and then instead of fuming later, when you can't do anything about it?

I don't know about taking credit for your work but he is clearly the type who wants to be noticed and recognised and unfortunately in many organisations it's his types who are remembered for their "proactive contribution" and "valuable inputs" as opposed to those, who do all the work and then quietly rage in the corner when they don't get the promotions they deserve. I am sorry if sounds really harsh but I have seen it too many times and sadly it is a greater problem among women. So, my suggestion really would be to try and speak up as soon as the issue occurs. You shouldn't see it as shutting him down but don't let him interrupt you when you are speaking. Just say, "I am sorry I haven't finished yet" and continue talking until done. If he rephrases what you say without adding anything of value, then you can just say, "Thanks for that, Steve, that's pretty much what I've just said". And if he says anything about your project that is incorrect, then just correct him on the spot. Don't wait.

I very much doubt that after few more instances like that, he'll have much more desire to keep interrupting you.

Last bit of wisdom from me:

Power dress in these meetings. It makes a massive difference

I didn’t want to be that person who kicks up a fuss in front of the big boss, so I bit my tongue.

You didn't need to kick up a big fuss. You could have just spoken up. You need to grow some confidence.

It's a horrible feeling when you get steamrollered like that, especially when you then end up dwelling on what you could have said/done. As a few people in here have said, being direct and decisive doesn't mean you're being rude at all, and most people (not Steve because he's a dick) will side with an interruptee standing up for themselves.

I think the advice to tell him you haven't finished talking yet is good - it gets the point across in a professional and firm way. He will likely sulk for a bit and then learn his lesson!

I hope you have emailed your manager with a concise bullet-pointed summary report of everything you had to say, and action points.

Meaning that when your manager needs to produce their report to senior management, your information is neatly typed out ready for them to simply cut and paste.

Just took all the 'please' and 'would you mind' out of an email sent to someone who needs to just fill out two lines of an excel sheet that would take 2 minutes but has been sent at least 5 emails asking politely

I have delegated work to someone who is taking on one of my roles as I am leaving, and made it clear they are doing it from now, not in a week when I am long gone and they still don't really know what to do and I'm not around to ask.

It is all practice, and not giving a flying fuck if people like you. Its only work

I know, I should have, and I’m kicking myself for not doing it in the moment. I think because it was a senior management meeting, I didn’t want to come across as difficult or argumentative, especially since he was being so overbearing.

I like those suggestions though – firm but not rude. I just need to find the confidence to actually say them in the moment rather than stewing about it afterwards! Any tips on how to do that without feeling like I’m making a scene?

Just say "may I finish speaking please"

And keep saying it, if it doesn't work first time

Why didnt you just stand up for yourself?

Dont blame it on him being a man, women do this as well!

@Twatalert good God, for a moment I thought your Steve had lost his mind until I clocked your user name 😆

She didn't.

The only person linking this with the fact her colleague is a man is you.

@olegsyka I didn’t want to come across as difficult or argumentative

This is the source of the issue and you need to tackle your own mindset about this first. Try to reflect on why you see defending your position as a confrontation, being difficult or argumentative. If you look at the suggestions generally made in this thread, there is absolutely nothing in them that is either difficult or argumentative. Therefore, it is just your perception. Do you generally see any kind of disagreement as a confrontation, being difficult, making a fuss and being argumentative? If so, maybe the roots of that are in either your childhood or your youth. If that's the case, you can't fix either of those but you certainly can start with practicing seeing this type of situations differently in a more safe environment. For example, if you are talking to your friends, relatives, more friendly colleagues etc and disagree with them on any topic (doesn't matter what the subject matter is), try expressing your opinions in the moment. Do it often and trust me you will get desensitised and used to it.

There's a guy called Jefferson Fisher on TikTok/Insta who has suggestions and strategies for this kind of thing. I've used some at work and found them quite helpful.

ETA he also has a podcast. Just seen he has one on one-uppers - wish I'd listened to it before I called a colleague an eleven-erifer and he got offended 😂

This is so annoying, all the more so because it happens to so many women. I've dealt with it as previous posters suggest - remaining super-professional but being assertive in the meeting. Tone is everything. It's a matter of personal preference, but I would always want to deal with it myself as it feels a bit limp to involve line managers, IMO. It's disappointing your line manager didn't intervene though.Your senior managers may be impressed by you being assertive, rather than seeing you as a stroppy trouble maker.

If you are really interested in understanding why men seek to dominate work conversations, Dale Spender's 'Man-made language' is worth reading.

I had a boss just like this and his name actually was Steve 😆

A senior manager would have noticed his behaviour but they would have noticed yours too and the fact that you didn’t redirect the conversation away from him

The fact that your boss didn’t do anything too is shit and as the senior manager in the room I would be having a word with her about the behaviour of her staff ie him

You have been given some good examples of things to say but don’t let senior managers in the room put you off putting someone in their place in a professional way. I know I would be more impressed by that than someone not doing it

You will get a lot more respect at work once you can stand up for yourself. It isn’t being argumentative or difficult to tell Steve to stop interrupting or speaking over you - it’s being assertive which is different. The senior managers will be more impressed with you saying ‘Steve, please let me finish speaking’ than you hoping someone else will step in to rescue you.

Maybe you might benefit from some assertiveness training if you lack confidence. I can recommend a book ‘Feel the fear but do it anyway’ which I found helpful many years ago.

I do this. The best advice I ever followed was this: when thinking about salary expectations, go up until you reach a number that seems obscene and then ask for that, because that's what a man would ask. I did this at my current company and it worked. I still pinch myself over two years later, wondering why they pay me so much.

More and more I am out for myself and just mind my own business. Things fall through the cracks or get fucked up even though I knew they would and saw it coming, but they aren't my business and I am no longer the woman 'helping' or 'preventing a cock up'. To many women it seems selfish, but we were just socialised the wrong way. There is nothing selfish about protecting your own boundaries, prioritise things you like doing or that are within your set of responsibilities and let everything else be. I have become pretty good at this. What I am not good at is the mental side of things as I still ruminate about fairness, question myself, feel guilty etc.