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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling protective of my DC

139 replies

OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 12:08

I have friends who don't have kids by choice as they don't like them. We been friends since we were in reception.
I didn't realise how vehemently they dislike kids till DC turned 3/4 and actually wanted to interact. If we go out it's me and DC here and everyone else over there.
Fine...I stopped bringing DC to stuff (and wouldn't have done in the first place if they'd been clear they want adults only).
But even if they come over they act like he's a nuisance.

This got me quite cross, they're in his house. And I don't understand why a grown up can't speak to an addition to the group - adult or child - nicely and include them...just for 20 mins or so, I wouldn't expect the dynamic to shift the whole time. To me it's really unwelcoming, like if they brought a new partner along and I refused to speak to them and tutted and eyerolled whenever they spoke.

I'm shocked they can be so mean to someone just because they're younger...They just seem totally unaware that a child is a human with emotions too. AIBU to phase them out?

OP posts:
Tophelleborine · 06/02/2025 14:58

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2025 12:23

They sound rude and unpleasant. The answers are largely ridiculous too. No one would say you could ignore or tut at someone’s granny because they dislike elderly people or at someone’s partner because they don’t like French people or someone’s dog because they don’t like animals.

It costs nothing to be civil at the bare minimum, friendly with a bit of effort, and no one who was rude to my children would be welcome in my home. I wouldn’t bother to see them elsewhere either.

This is exactly what I was going to say. For the sake of argument, older people can be quite annoying - different generational values, not getting cultural references, having to have things repeated and explained over and over. It wouldn't be acceptable to treat someone elderly badly in their own home, so why is it ok for children?

Edited to add: this isn't how I feel or behave around older people.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 14:58

SallyWD · 06/02/2025 14:44

I have a friendship group where nearly all of them can't stand kids. Me and one other couple have children but the rest are very vocally anti-children. I don't think they'd actually be mean to my children's faces but they would be disinterested. They certainly don't want to hear me talking about my kids. They're always saying how annoying, boring, irritating children are etc. They'd rather die than have children.
To be honest from day one I've just kept my children sperate from this group. I never take them to meet these friends and I'd only invite my friends over if the children were asleep or out. It's just too stressful trying to socialise with this group if the kids are around. None of us enjoy it!
I don't talk about my children to them because I know they're not interested. It's OK thought as I tend to talk about the children a lot with other people so it's nice to focus on other topics of conversation.
I feel like with these friends I can be myself - the old me who was a bit silly and funny rather than always being in sensible mum mode.

Yeh this is what I've tried to do...perhaps being to slow to realise "just bring him" was them being polite and/or not realising that when I do they're isolating us...
....but anyway...
I guess the issue is (bluntly) I don't want to see them as often as they want to see me. I am working Mon -fri, have work free and child free time on Saturdays and we do stuff as a family on Sundays.
Of my Saturdays one a month is taken up with excruciating periods pain, and I like some to myself so I'd want to see them every 6-8 wks but they want to meet more often and that isn't working so I say no, they say bring him along, and I'm feeling it hard to express my boundaries and find words for exactly why I don't want to bring him along

OP posts:
Diomi · 06/02/2025 15:05

Children are not a homogeneous group. I really like some and others are rather hard work. I like chatting to my friends’ children when I go to their houses.

HoldingTheDoor · 06/02/2025 15:06

You are going to have to find your backbone I’m afraid. I don’t think it’s fair to expect anyone to meet every weekend let alone someone with a young child, who understandably, would like to spend time with their child at weekends.

6-8 weeks between meet-ups is perfectly reasonable and if they can’t or won’t accept that you can’t meet up more regularly than that then they aren’t very good friends and I would start to look for new friends,

chocolatemademefat · 06/02/2025 15:12

if you’re meeting up with friends for a social occasion I’m sure the last thing they want is you bringing your child along - especially if he is the only one there. We all adore our own children - when it comes to other people’s, not so much. A social occasion for adults is just that - learn to read the room. As for them being in HIS house - grow up. Not everyone wants to fawn over him.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 15:25

Tophelleborine · 06/02/2025 14:58

This is exactly what I was going to say. For the sake of argument, older people can be quite annoying - different generational values, not getting cultural references, having to have things repeated and explained over and over. It wouldn't be acceptable to treat someone elderly badly in their own home, so why is it ok for children?

Edited to add: this isn't how I feel or behave around older people.

Edited
Show quote history

yeh I guess this is the thing - I want to be / am used to being around people who are generally more tolerant and kind

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 15:31

Kossak · 06/02/2025 13:48

Why should she pander to them in the child's own house? Anyone who doesn't like other people's kids should just not visit, and certainly not expect the whole routine to revolve around their personal hang-ups! Why do Brits dislike kids so much? Compare it to the bliss of being in Spain or Italy with a child, because most people there genuinely like them.

Show quote history

yeh, am from the Mediterranean and it's really different there, but I am not expecting that from my friends. As an example of his 'needs'...I meet a friend often for adult convo but due to her schedule dc is always there. She says hi to him and then we do a child-friendly activity where we can catch up but he's also entertained eg feeding seeds to the ducks - so she is adjusting in that she probably wouldnt stand by a lake normally but i am only distracted in as much as I am holding a bag of seeds while dc trots back and forth to get some more...we can get a huge chunk of uninterrupted time to talk because she's adjusted to meeting his needs...

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 15:32

chocolatemademefat · 06/02/2025 15:12

if you’re meeting up with friends for a social occasion I’m sure the last thing they want is you bringing your child along - especially if he is the only one there. We all adore our own children - when it comes to other people’s, not so much. A social occasion for adults is just that - learn to read the room. As for them being in HIS house - grow up. Not everyone wants to fawn over him.

i guess i find it hard to read unspoken social cues and this particular friend is defo an outlier

OP posts:
Mrsdyna · 06/02/2025 15:34

If someone is deliberately rude to my kids, then that's our friendship over.

Find new friends.

StartleBright · 06/02/2025 15:35

Hey OP
You know something is wrong about the dynamic.... trust your gut.
For me, having my kid changed everything, - how I felt about the world. I fundamentally felt my values and approach to life change.
If someone wasn't going to welcome my kid, then they weren't going to be part of my life. And in turn I celebrated who my friends were becoming as they became parents (and apologized to those friends who had had kids before me for being a dick and not getting that they might actually welcome the change 🤪)
So some forgiveness for people who haven't been through the mammoth life change that is being a parent, as my friends were kind to me in my narrow mindedness, but no quarter given if they are rude to someone for whom I sacrificed so much to bring into the world.
Find people who celebrate you as you change and grow, not those who want to fossilize you to justify their own life choices.

Ladamesansmerci · 06/02/2025 15:48

I used to be adamantly child free and find kids annoying af. I now have an 8 month old, so I've been on both sides of this.

However, I would never have let affect my friendships. I'm a die hard feminist, and truly believe society is hard enough for mothers without child free people being arses. Children have the right to act like children and exist in public spaces.

Also, not wanting children is one thing, but hating them? They're just tiny vulnerable people. I repeat, they are still people with their own thoughts and wants and imo should be treated with the same respect you'd treat anyone else, instead of like a public nuisance. I side eye anyone who tells me they despise children and thinks they should be banned in public, etc.

Friends are entitled to want adult only times of course, but people also have to respect there are times you can't get childcare. People either need to accept that and acknowledge that sometimes young children come as a package, or they need to think whether the friendship is something they can continue. I'd personally rather see my friends with kids than not seeing them at all.

Being rude in your own home is ridiculous. You need new friends if that's the case. And regardless of what you think of kids, it's not hard to feign interest. Like you don't care about everything your friend says and does, but it's good manners and being a good friend to be supportive of the things your friend loves.

I am so supportive of everyone's choice to have or not have children. A lot of child free people don't seem to extend the same courtesy to women with children. I can't drop everything for a friend anymore, and meet up on a whim. True friends get that. Motherhood can be so isolating, and it's important to have supportive friends.

I've had a friend who never invited me to anything anymore, and I feel really hurt by it as it's someone I've been a loyal friend to for a decade. And it's hard for me to meet up alone right now with an EBF baby and elderly parents who don't always want childcare.

Some of it is cultural. When my baby was a couple of weeks old, she was screaming in her pram in Primark. There was nothing wrong, she'd been fed etc, she was just being a baby. I just wanted to pay for my stuff and go. I'd have picked her up straight after. The amount of dirty looks I had was unreal. One woman even came up to me, literally touched my baby, and asked if she'd been fed. I could have killed her honestly. Meanwhile we went for a meal in a Turkish restaurant, and the moment we walked in, the Turkish owner whisked my baby away and was dancing around the room with her! I felt so welcome 😭 also recently went to Lanzarote, and every single waiter made a fuss of my little one.

Anyway, I empathise OP. Being a mum is hard, and I personally think our society is quite hostile to lone mums (people aren't as quick to judge if dad is there) and children generally.

Anyway. This turned into quite the rant 🤣

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 15:53

StartleBright · 06/02/2025 15:35

Hey OP
You know something is wrong about the dynamic.... trust your gut.
For me, having my kid changed everything, - how I felt about the world. I fundamentally felt my values and approach to life change.
If someone wasn't going to welcome my kid, then they weren't going to be part of my life. And in turn I celebrated who my friends were becoming as they became parents (and apologized to those friends who had had kids before me for being a dick and not getting that they might actually welcome the change 🤪)
So some forgiveness for people who haven't been through the mammoth life change that is being a parent, as my friends were kind to me in my narrow mindedness, but no quarter given if they are rude to someone for whom I sacrificed so much to bring into the world.
Find people who celebrate you as you change and grow, not those who want to fossilize you to justify their own life choices.

Love the "fossillize you" that hits the nail on the head...I just think they aren't particularly mature anymore

OP posts:
Ladamesansmerci · 06/02/2025 15:54

OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 15:31

yeh, am from the Mediterranean and it's really different there, but I am not expecting that from my friends. As an example of his 'needs'...I meet a friend often for adult convo but due to her schedule dc is always there. She says hi to him and then we do a child-friendly activity where we can catch up but he's also entertained eg feeding seeds to the ducks - so she is adjusting in that she probably wouldnt stand by a lake normally but i am only distracted in as much as I am holding a bag of seeds while dc trots back and forth to get some more...we can get a huge chunk of uninterrupted time to talk because she's adjusted to meeting his needs...

Show quote history

Honestly I've had such a culture shock just coming back from Lanzarote. People were so kind and accommodating to me and my baby there 😭 people actually interact with her.

Meanwhile here I feel so harassed and anxious when my baby cries because you just get dirty looks.

I don't want everyone to fawn over my baby, but...she's a person. And babies learn by staring and watching. It's just basic manners and human decency to smile back at a baby or young kid and say hi. Britain does hate kids for real, it feels so hostile here in so many public settings 😭

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 15:56

Ladamesansmerci · 06/02/2025 15:48

I used to be adamantly child free and find kids annoying af. I now have an 8 month old, so I've been on both sides of this.

However, I would never have let affect my friendships. I'm a die hard feminist, and truly believe society is hard enough for mothers without child free people being arses. Children have the right to act like children and exist in public spaces.

Also, not wanting children is one thing, but hating them? They're just tiny vulnerable people. I repeat, they are still people with their own thoughts and wants and imo should be treated with the same respect you'd treat anyone else, instead of like a public nuisance. I side eye anyone who tells me they despise children and thinks they should be banned in public, etc.

Friends are entitled to want adult only times of course, but people also have to respect there are times you can't get childcare. People either need to accept that and acknowledge that sometimes young children come as a package, or they need to think whether the friendship is something they can continue. I'd personally rather see my friends with kids than not seeing them at all.

Being rude in your own home is ridiculous. You need new friends if that's the case. And regardless of what you think of kids, it's not hard to feign interest. Like you don't care about everything your friend says and does, but it's good manners and being a good friend to be supportive of the things your friend loves.

I am so supportive of everyone's choice to have or not have children. A lot of child free people don't seem to extend the same courtesy to women with children. I can't drop everything for a friend anymore, and meet up on a whim. True friends get that. Motherhood can be so isolating, and it's important to have supportive friends.

I've had a friend who never invited me to anything anymore, and I feel really hurt by it as it's someone I've been a loyal friend to for a decade. And it's hard for me to meet up alone right now with an EBF baby and elderly parents who don't always want childcare.

Some of it is cultural. When my baby was a couple of weeks old, she was screaming in her pram in Primark. There was nothing wrong, she'd been fed etc, she was just being a baby. I just wanted to pay for my stuff and go. I'd have picked her up straight after. The amount of dirty looks I had was unreal. One woman even came up to me, literally touched my baby, and asked if she'd been fed. I could have killed her honestly. Meanwhile we went for a meal in a Turkish restaurant, and the moment we walked in, the Turkish owner whisked my baby away and was dancing around the room with her! I felt so welcome 😭 also recently went to Lanzarote, and every single waiter made a fuss of my little one.

Anyway, I empathise OP. Being a mum is hard, and I personally think our society is quite hostile to lone mums (people aren't as quick to judge if dad is there) and children generally.

Anyway. This turned into quite the rant 🤣

The cultural thing is so true! Recently went to my "home" country (born here but heritage there) and we visited a temple...they made a fuss of DC, playfully talking to him, for all of 3-5 mins before getting on with adult things, but it was enough to help DC feel like he was welcome there, which is pretty typical of that culture..and kids are usually out with their parents / friends etc absolutely fine...am not used to the vehement dislike of kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 15:58

Ladamesansmerci · 06/02/2025 15:54

Honestly I've had such a culture shock just coming back from Lanzarote. People were so kind and accommodating to me and my baby there 😭 people actually interact with her.

Meanwhile here I feel so harassed and anxious when my baby cries because you just get dirty looks.

I don't want everyone to fawn over my baby, but...she's a person. And babies learn by staring and watching. It's just basic manners and human decency to smile back at a baby or young kid and say hi. Britain does hate kids for real, it feels so hostile here in so many public settings 😭

Show quote history

This!!!

OP posts:
Ladamesansmerci · 06/02/2025 15:59

OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 15:56

The cultural thing is so true! Recently went to my "home" country (born here but heritage there) and we visited a temple...they made a fuss of DC, playfully talking to him, for all of 3-5 mins before getting on with adult things, but it was enough to help DC feel like he was welcome there, which is pretty typical of that culture..and kids are usually out with their parents / friends etc absolutely fine...am not used to the vehement dislike of kids!

Show quote history

I wish our attitudes were different. Children are just little people and they deserve respect and acknowledgement. Unfortunately we seem to be living with the remnants of Victorian attitudes that children should be seen not heard. Like obviously discipline your children, but expecting kids to act exactly like adults is ridiculous!

HoldingTheDoor · 06/02/2025 16:04

I wonder if it’s the people who see their child as an extension of themselves(A strange and unhealthy attitude imo) and who expect people to fawn all over their child (in spite of their protests that they don’t) who struggle most with supposedly child unfriendly attitudes in the UK aka expecting you to make an attempt to ensure that your child isn’t running wild or making excessive unnecessary noise. My friends who have children don’t seem to find it especially child unfriendly just because everyone else isn’t falling to their knees to worship their child.

I also regularly see plenty of people offering to help with prams and smiling and entertaining babies on public transport.

HoldingTheDoor · 06/02/2025 16:05

Also yes they’re people but I don’t interact with every single adult that I see though they’re also people.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 16:08

HoldingTheDoor · 06/02/2025 16:04

I wonder if it’s the people who see their child as an extension of themselves(A strange and unhealthy attitude imo) and who expect people to fawn all over their child (in spite of their protests that they don’t) who struggle most with supposedly child unfriendly attitudes in the UK aka expecting you to make an attempt to ensure that your child isn’t running wild or making excessive unnecessary noise. My friends who have children don’t seem to find it especially child unfriendly just because everyone else isn’t falling to their knees to worship their child.

I also regularly see plenty of people offering to help with prams and smiling and entertaining babies on public transport.

Lol! I don't expect them to fall to their knees and worship my child 🤣

OP posts:
HoldingTheDoor · 06/02/2025 16:13

You might not but some parents seem to. Hence all the salivating over their children being swept up and fussed over by restaurant staff(Who have a vested interest in pleasing you) It seems that anything less than parading the child around like a mini deity means that people in the UK hate children.

It’s amusing considering how many posts I’ve seen on MN from parents ready to bite off an elderly stranger’s head because they dared to coo over their baby.

HoldingTheDoor · 06/02/2025 16:23

And I’m not a complete grump btw. I entertained a young toddler on an hour long bus journey the other day not because I wanted to, I would much rather have read my book, but because he was very active and his Mother was clearly struggling.

babasaclover · 06/02/2025 16:31

They could be suffering from infertility and pretending not to want / like children as it's too painful to be around them?

NameChangedOfc · 06/02/2025 17:51

@StartleBright "Find people who celebrate you as you change and grow, not those who want to fossilize you to justify their own life choices."

Permission to frame this? 😍😊👏

Peach0123 · 06/02/2025 17:54

StartleBright · 06/02/2025 15:35

Hey OP
You know something is wrong about the dynamic.... trust your gut.
For me, having my kid changed everything, - how I felt about the world. I fundamentally felt my values and approach to life change.
If someone wasn't going to welcome my kid, then they weren't going to be part of my life. And in turn I celebrated who my friends were becoming as they became parents (and apologized to those friends who had had kids before me for being a dick and not getting that they might actually welcome the change 🤪)
So some forgiveness for people who haven't been through the mammoth life change that is being a parent, as my friends were kind to me in my narrow mindedness, but no quarter given if they are rude to someone for whom I sacrificed so much to bring into the world.
Find people who celebrate you as you change and grow, not those who want to fossilize you to justify their own life choices.

Love this post, exactly how things went with me too.
As much as we want to hold on to friendships, sometimes major life changes also mean our priorities change and so do we as people. Your worrying OP about how to get it right but from what you have said, friend is not.

5128gap · 06/02/2025 18:04

I can see why they didn't take kindly to you turning up to a gathering of people who don't like children with your child tbh. What on earth made you think that he would be a welcome addition? How they behave in your home though is completely unacceptable. And equally I can't understand what they're thinking in visiting you if they feel that strongly. Sounds to me that these are friendships best 'on hold' during your child raising years if not permanently.