Feeling protective of my DC

[OrangeChips1]

I have friends who don't have kids by choice as they don't like them. We been friends since we were in reception.
I didn't realise how vehemently they dislike kids till DC turned 3/4 and actually wanted to interact. If we go out it's me and DC here and everyone else over there.
Fine...I stopped bringing DC to stuff (and wouldn't have done in the first place if they'd been clear they want adults only).
But even if they come over they act like he's a nuisance.

This got me quite cross, they're in his house. And I don't understand why a grown up can't speak to an addition to the group - adult or child - nicely and include them...just for 20 mins or so, I wouldn't expect the dynamic to shift the whole time. To me it's really unwelcoming, like if they brought a new partner along and I refused to speak to them and tutted and eyerolled whenever they spoke.

I'm shocked they can be so mean to someone just because they're younger...They just seem totally unaware that a child is a human with emotions too. AIBU to phase them out?

When I visit other people I generally have to put up with scraggy ugly canines interacting with me, I much prefer children 😂

This is not true. When I was child free I had no issue accommodating my friends' children. As my friends I am interested in their live.

Wow I must be from another planet to the majority of these posters then because I find this to be crazy and ridiculous! I was the last in my friendship group to have children so for years I would see all my closest friends whilst they had their newborns, toddlers in tow and I was childless, and it was never a problem. I love my friends and subsequently this extended to their children, so when I saw them I would likely also take them a little toy, bar of chocolate etc. As babies I would take them and play with them whilst my friends enjoyed a coffee and we chatted, and as they got older I'd sit and play with them. In turn, my friends are also like this with me now that I have a child. This behaviour is certainly normal with most people I know, for me the posters saying other people's children are annoying and they don't want to interact with them is crazy. Do they also not like their nieces, nephews etc?

I think they are mean. I think a mix of adult only and child included is fine and is what you tried to do.
Unless your child is a totally spoiled, badly behaved very loud child I really don’t see the issue.
I like kids and find if you do acknowledge and respond they are frequently easily satisfied and are not nuisances. Little ones might get more demanding if they’re ignored as they’ve not yet learnt the social niceties. Neither have your friends.

Imagine if we said this about any other age group. I mean very old people repeat themselves, forget what they said etc. Imagine some guests coming to your house and being horrifically rude to your own very elderly mother and justifying it as ‘I don’t like old people’ or ‘why is she in the living space’. That would be considered cruel or absurd.
OP’s not asking these people to play games with her kid. She’s asking for bare minimum small talk in a long visit to HIS OWN HOUSE. If you can’t do that then either don’t accept the invitation to the house that a child lives in or interact with people who have kids.

It's extremely selfish to not manage to be polite when in someone's house.

I don't mean they need to be down on their hands and knees playing choo-choo train, or get any where near a proffered half-chewed biscuit, but, saying hello, exchanging brief pleasantries is reasonable, whether the other party is your child or your grandmother.

Mind you, if they're really asking to see you a lot of weekends, that's also selfish, so I'd say that tracks.

TBH, I generally quite like kids - I prefer conversing to playing with them (even when small), but I can generally find something we can both talk about, even with a 2 year old. I'd start phasing these people out not because they don't like kids, but just because they're selfish and rude.

Yeh this is how I was pre child / how my other friends are

Exactly. DC is fine around my other friends and we manage to have good conversations, simply because he is acknowledged by them in some way

Yes...this!

Yeh this is how I feel exactly. Though not sure how to renegade on our meet ups I feel like I need a bit of a break from them

I think they sound mean. Although, I am not sure whether they are child-free by choice or unable to have children of their own. Maybe if they are unable to have children of their own, there is some underlying hurt/resentment.

When my kids were younger, I didn’t take them to external adult things. However, I would expect general politeness to them, if you come to my home.

Sorry, just seen child free by choice

What exactly are your expectations of them? How much interaction do you expect them to have with your child? It’s difficult to tell how unreasonable you are being without knowing that.

I’d say Hello, comment on their toy or outfit, bring a packet of sweets for them and ask how they are but that’s about it. It’s incredibly annoying to have a child constantly interrupting adult conversation and their presence alone completely changes the feel of the gathering. I’d probably decline the invitation most times though as I don’t like socialising in people’s homes and even less so with a child present.

I’ve worked in childcare and I still don’t know what to say to kids and I’m not very fond of them.

That is very rude.

I think your friends views are a bit extreme - I do think it's normal to have a bit of flexibility to maintain a friendship once one friend has a child, for example if they come over and kids aren't in bed yet it's not unreasonable to be polite to them for 20 mins. I have friends that openly hate children, but they will still make effort with mine if we've arranged something where they have to be present for some or all of it.

I don't ever presume children are welcome at friend get togethers, even with other friends with children - we always clarify beforehand, and I will give a heads up if I can't be child free which gives the other person the option to decline or rearrange. Sometimes I myself don't want the kids there and will stipulate I want to make sure I can find a sitter before organising!

Even though I have kids myself I often can't stand other people's kids 🤣 and especially if they are particularly annoying, I can't have a proper catch up if they are there. I'm just more assertive and if I want a decent catch up I'll just say, I'd love to catch up properly without the kids so we can actually have a conversation, when are you next child free etc.

If you want to keep the friendship I'd just not see this friend with your child there. Equally, if you feel the friendship isn't worth maintaining because you now have children and they don't tolerate them, it's also perfectly reasonable to phase them out. Priorities change and so do friends sometimes once you hit motherhood.

I think that's horrible behaviour.

Children are people...ok, most of us wouldn't actively choose to have a long conversation with a random toddler not related to us, but general politeness and kindness doesn't go amiss.

Surely your friends realise you can't go out every weekend if you have a small child?!?!

Why not just agree to seeing them once a month (without your child)?

And yes, your friends are being ridiculously unrealistic expecting you to commit to every weekend. That isn’t fair or reasonable.

I'm childfree by choice and have had a lot of interaction with friends kids (most now fully grown and we're on the the GC) over the years. I can understand not wanting to socialise at soft play on a weekly basis for eg, but there is no excuse for being rude/cold to a child, especially in their own home.

Actually, my other childless friends seem to feel the same as me and actually like kids. We might not have wanted our own but understand that others do and it is totally natural they become the focus of a lot of their lives. Also, there's nothing wrong with being a small human, we all were!

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who actively disliked children. It tells me a lot about the type of person they are.

Its like saying I don't like people full stop!

I couldn't be friends with people who can't make a bit of effort with a child. I'm not sure if I'm just lucky but I thought it was normal to be caring and polite with children and vulnerable people. Only on MN do I witness such harsh comments about children and similarly with disabled children and adults.

Agree with this! Not wanting to be around kids all the time is fine but actively hating them and refusing even the smallest amount of engagement is very odd to me. Big red flag in anyone!

@HoldingTheDoor maybe the child is irritating but one is allowed to speak to one’s parent (interrupting is rude) in one’s own house however many times one wants to. If DH had friends over and they demanded I make myself invisible I would not be impressed. So unless OP’s friend declines the invitation (which they clearly didn’t), this is not polite behaviour.
We always assume kids are annoying. Frankly I know far far far more annoying adults than children.

People talk about annoying kids on public transport. Same thing. I see far far more inconsiderate adults (playing music without headphones, being inconsiderate) than I do children.

Why should she pander to them in the child's own house? Anyone who doesn't like other people's kids should just not visit, and certainly not expect the whole routine to revolve around their personal hang-ups! Why do Brits dislike kids so much? Compare it to the bliss of being in Spain or Italy with a child, because most people there genuinely like them.

By any chance could this be because their view and his view on how much attention he should be getting differs to their view?

I’d say this was the crux of my issues with my friend’s child….

A couple of minutes saying hi blahblah was my limit as I was there to see her. Her view/his view was that I was there as his entertainment for the afternoon.