Feeling protective of my DC

[OrangeChips1]

I have friends who don't have kids by choice as they don't like them. We been friends since we were in reception.
I didn't realise how vehemently they dislike kids till DC turned 3/4 and actually wanted to interact. If we go out it's me and DC here and everyone else over there.
Fine...I stopped bringing DC to stuff (and wouldn't have done in the first place if they'd been clear they want adults only).
But even if they come over they act like he's a nuisance.

This got me quite cross, they're in his house. And I don't understand why a grown up can't speak to an addition to the group - adult or child - nicely and include them...just for 20 mins or so, I wouldn't expect the dynamic to shift the whole time. To me it's really unwelcoming, like if they brought a new partner along and I refused to speak to them and tutted and eyerolled whenever they spoke.

I'm shocked they can be so mean to someone just because they're younger...They just seem totally unaware that a child is a human with emotions too. AIBU to phase them out?

Can’t you just see them out of the home without your DC? I don’t even really want to socialise with my friends’ DC and I am a parent.

Someone’s Granny or partner wouldn’t constantly be shouting at your friend asking for their attention or climbing on to the table and grabbing things they shouldn’t be or pulling your friends focus from a conversation you’re trying to have with them.

There’s a big difference.

Yes this. I thoroughly dislike dogs, but if I go to visit my friends and family with dogs I'm happy to interact with them. It's their house, not mine, and it's the polite thing to do. I wouldn't dream of asking for them to be shut away.

No, I have other friends who focus on adult conversation too but don't get exhaspereated at him and manage to be nice to him...also Mr tumble type friends! This is different

I think some people are just awkward around kids. It is not malicious. Like some people aren't dog people.

I used to be like this never having been around kids. I got better when my siblings had kids and then nailed it when I had kids myself (thank goodness).

I never expect others to interact with my kids, even friends. Maybe they just aren't feeling it OP which is fine.

You're not being unreasonable at all OP! It's not hard to be polite to anyone and that includes kids too.

I'd stick to adult only meet ups at restaurants, bars etc if they can't be civil to your child in their own home.

(But their whole attitude would put me off to be honest and I wouldn't be rushing to plan things with them, unless you really want to do it.)

True friends would understand you’re a parent now which means your life and responsibilities have changed. They would understand you couldn’t commit to every meet up. They would understand your DS is obviously the most important person to you.

Not everyone enjoys being around kids, in fact I’d say it’s valid for them to want to meet up without children coming along on occasions.

But if I had a friend who ignored my DS blatantly and act like he was invisible in his own home I would have to ditch.

Not everyone has a partner or wants one but it doesn’t mean you can just act like your mates DH doesn’t exist or ignore him at their own home. You don’t have to have a partner to ask every so often how your mates partner is or say hello in their home. You wouldn’t let anyone disrespect DH like this so do not let anyone get away with doing it to your DS X

I don't agree with dragging kids along to child free events as it changes the whole dynamic (and I have two DC).

But I would be seriously unimpressed if I invited someone to my house and they are rude or hostile to a member of my family.
They wouldn't do it with if a parent, siblings, or partner/spouse is there, so why is the kid free game?

You don't have to like them, just be civil.

There is absolutely no way someone could express dislike for your child or not wanting to see them without you getting upset/annoyed about it. Be honest with yourself.
I don't feel particularly strongly about my best friend's kids. They were fine when babies as they generally didn't interrupt socialising much. My friend could chat and change the diaper at the same time. Toddlers are very demanding. I can smile and look at a toy for a couple of seconds but, ultimately, I am not there to see a child. 20 minutes seems like a very long time to engage with them "to be polite".
Teenage kids are absolutely delightful, especially if they can join in with adult conversation.

MN always states "Other people's children are annoying" - I find it totally bizarre. It's like me saying I find people over 50 intolerable, therefore I cannot be expected to be polite to them.

In the real world, normal people like children as much as they like any other type of human being.

Any friend who was rude to my child would no longer be a friend of mine. Thankfully, I have lots of friends, including plenty who are very adamantly child free, who are all lovely with my children.

20 minutes?

I don't expect my friends with or without children to engage with my children beyond polite greetings and expressions of vague interest in their lives. For about, max, 5 minutes.

Children are annoying and unless you are particularly interested in children or have a particular love for a certain child, talking to them is not interesting or fun. Sorry.

What is your child’s behaviour and personality like? As awful as it sounds, I do like children, but I have one friend whose child’s behaviour is….let’s just say full on…however, she thought at the age of your child it was acceptable/adorable/typical (it really was not). I did not enjoy spending any time at all with them.

I'm very surprised by some replies here. These friends lack manners to the extreme. Whilst I get that many people won't want to socialise with children, they still need to show basic manners when they're with them, especially in the child's own house. Since children learn their behaviour from those around them, I wouldn't want my children seeing these rude people, and thinking their behaviour was acceptable, or that someone's bad treatment of them was something to be tolerated. If friends couldn''t show good manners to my child, who is after all, a part of myself and my life, I would take this rudeness personally. I would ditch them.

I love my own children more than life but I can’t really be bothered with other kids. Mine are getting older now so I prefer to meet those with younger children when the children are spending time with dad etc… or I’m happy with a phone call when the kids are in bed.

I have a couple of friends with pre-school children and I find it draining to be honest. We can’t get a conversation finished and everything revolves around the child, which is fine, but I find it boring really and I wonder why we can’t just have a half hour catch up when DC is asleep.

I met one friend a couple of weeks ago with her two kids and I’ll avoid it in future, because we took them to the park and on their bikes yet they constantly needed attention. Push me, chase me, play with me and I didn’t want to. Happy to do it for a few mins but the whole 1.5 hours was me being a child’s entertainer.

I’m not a high maintenance friend at all but I won’t be meeting again until the kids are older because it’s pointless.

I thought you said it’s your child they ignore, not you. Are you actually saying they don’t talk to you when your child is there? Or is it that all your attention is on your child so you don’t really participate in the conversation? If the former then they aren’t your friends.

Some people are very awkward around small children.

I was until I had kids.

Most people can manage a small amount of interaction with kids to be polite but some people really don't know what to say.

If they are otherwise good friends I wouldn't drop them over this.

It is generally considered socially unacceptable to say, for example, I find your small child loud and annoying and he gives me migraines. One is simply not permitted to say this no matter how much the parents ask you to be honest. You do have to infer from behaviour.

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To put the 20 mins in context we spend 5-6 hrs together so it's a tiny portion of that time...just to say hello /take coats off/ settle in/ have a snack / for example . But it's helpful to see that it seems like a long time to some

Child free people can be absolutely horrible about children. Like you were a child once and someone had to tolerate you. Children are humans who deserve the respect granted to adults. I have no time for people like this since having a child.

He's generally polite and fine to be around. Especially around other friends and family who all seem to tolerate him just fine (I understand I would be biased so trying to think of other interactions!). Around these particular ones he starts off polite but I can see him starting to get cross at being ignored so he does then seems annoying but I can understand why.

Not all parents think that to the extent that they can’t be sensitive about other people’s feelings.

And most people understand that, if you are accepting hospitality from someone, then it’s basic good manners to treat the other living beings in their home with respect; whether that’s an elderly person, a dog, or a child.

I would not expect someone to interact solely with my child for 20 mins but if my child was there finishing up their dinner or waiting for someone to take them out when my friends arrived, then I would expect my friends to tolerate their presence respectfully and be kind to them and yes, show a polite interest.

Children may be annoying sometimes but that’s because they haven’t yet learnt how to put other people’s feelings first. I wonder what excuse op’s adult friends have?

No one takes anyone seriously who goes around saying “I don’t like adults” so why should we respect the point of view of people who have decided that they dislike an entire slice of humanity?

And these friends may not like children themselves and that’s fine; but they can’t expect to impose that view on anyone else or those of us who have dc. If someone is a friend of mine; I expect them to respect my choices.

I like children. And rarely on here, I like plenty of other people’s children too. What’s not to like; they are energetic, creative and funny.

Op I had a female friend like this. She was so openly and publicly hostile when I announced my pregnancy that it was quite shocking. She was generally very sneering about my life choices too. I made the decision then and there that she was no longer friend material, but for some reason kept being polite on my side and inviting her to things. I should have dropped her then and there. Life is too short!

They don't deliberately ignore me but will go to another room or if we're at the park or something walk at a distance etc so I'm just alone with my child

I find that the opposite of true.

The childfree people I know LOVE kids, they are all proud self proclaimed 'aunts' of friends/families kids and many even work with child (primary school teachers etc...) despite this choose not to have their own siting that they are (again self proclaimed) 'selfish' and 'love their freedom and independence'. In fact I have regularly been told off for not bringing the kids 'their little besties' with me as I'm the one that wants a break from them.

On the flip side I'm a mother, I couldn't imagine a life without my kids and always wanted to be a mam BUT other peoples kids annoy the hell out of me most the time. While I love being a mam I am not in anyway an overtly child friendly person. I will smile and be polite (especially with babies, they're cute and harmless) but so often I just want to yell at someone 'parent your damn kid' when they are running around the coffee shop or such (like is no one worried about burns etc...) I just lack patients with that shit.

I honestly couldn't think of anything worse than being a teacher and watching other peoples kids all day (like several of my child free friends do). Its always amazed me the people I know who attract to careers and lifestyles of kids don't want them and those of us who have kids love our own but mostly aren't huge 'kid people'.

Yeh I feel like I've carried on with this for 3-4 yrs but feel like my hearts not in it

@DaisyChain505 you sound very unpleasant. You can not like children and still not be a dick to them. It doesn't take much effort to say hello and interact for 5 minutes.

If you really have such an unbridled hatred towards children, don't be friends with people who have kids.