AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

I have to admit @Chunkychips23 under the circumstances, as it's a big birthday, and as you say your mum always makes so much effort with you, I would push through, and go. It's not like you have to travel to the other side of the world! Also, your DH's family sound vile. You have my sympathy being married into a family like this.

It's no good other posters saying your DH should go, he won't. He's a man. He will do what he wants and put himself first, with little thought for anyone else. This is what the majority of men do. It's hard wired into them to think of themselves and their own needs first. Women/girls are told to #BEKIND, but this mantra is never aimed at men/boys. They don't really care about what they say to people, or how they affect others with what they do. As I say, they're hard wired like this, and raised this way. NAMALT, but the majority are!

Also, why do you live so far away from your mum that you have a long train journey there? Did she move away? Or did you? How many miles away are you from your mum?

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I would be deeply unimpressed. My dh would not cancel a commitment for a better offer, no. Especially if I was pregnant!

Perhaps they're also fed up of OP not driving

Definitely book assistance. I've had to make a couple of emergency trips recently and it's bloody difficult with a case and my stick. The assistants were an absolute godsend.

Him not attending his mil's lunch has nothing to do with him being a man and everything to do with him being utterly selfish.

My dh, and I assume many others, would not cancel on a mil, particularly one who has been so good to him.

I rarely see most of the extended family due to us all living across the country, some internationally. I’ve never been in one single one of their cars 🤷‍♀️ Just my mums.

you can order taxis with car seats!

Having read all the updates I think your husband should've stuck to the commitment to visit your mum. I'd find this hard to get over. Have you got a friend who can travel with you ?

As a MIL I wouldn't want my SIL to have to miss a big sporting event for my birthday lunch. I would want him to make sure my DD had a safe way to travel.

Please don’t do this, we have never found one that works. You can order one, but it’s a different story if the car seats actually turn up. Blank expressions all around.

If it's a long journey can understand but surely one of them could pick you up from the station,?

So is your Mum actually going to be ferrying others to & from her birthday lunch?

Could you stay with her a day either side & get a taxi to the lunch together?

Given that the match isn’t until 4.45, unless you live in Scotland, there is no way he needs to travel the night before to get to Twickenham. My DH is going, we live a good couple of hours away, he’s planning on leaving at 12.

Sorry but I’m with your husband here. He’s been given an amazing (Free) opportunity and he shouldn’t have to give it up just because you haven’t learned to drive.

When someone doesn’t drive and they rely on other people for absolutely everything it can be really suffocating and frustrating.

Could your DH take you to your Mum two nights before the lunch (before he has to travel) and collect you when he comes back?

Yeah, but he has chosen to forge a life and a family with someone who cannot drive. He has to suck it up if his wife and kids need to be driven somewhere. Don't get into a relationship with, and have children with someone who can't drive if you're going to piss and moan that you have to do all the driving.

Is there any reason that you can't go the day before, earlier on if he's travelling PM? I'm also married to a rugby fanatic and wouldn't ask him to miss this for a family event on my side. I think the reality is you could make this work but you don't really want to...

Wow, it's even worse that he's cancelling on her.

Coukd you be at your mum’s for a few days, if she sees you once a week could you go back with her then and DH gets you afterwards?

Can you miss the meal and do something special with your mum another time while your husband babysits.

I would get your dh to drive you to your moms the night before and then taxi with her.

That way she doesn’t have to drive any one plus you can pay to give her a break. .

This

Could you go and stay with your mum with your child, travelling a few days before and after her birthday? You shouldn't have to do this, but it's probably the only way you can manage to get there.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to return to your DH either. He sounds pretty awful and selfish and isn't at all worried about his heavily pregnant wife making a difficult journey with their small child even after the awful experience you had with your first baby.

Your DH is being unreasonable. He's already agreed to go to your family event and you need his support for medical reasons.
Sounds like he has plenty of freedom to do what he wants and you attend his family events without fuss.
He needs to accept he has to come with you (and with good grace!)

• I’m not stopping DH from going nor have I told him not to go go. I haven’t had a go at him, just expressed what my concerns are and that I’m disappointed it’s last minute
• I have an interview tomorrow PM which I’ve now had to get my friend to babysit last minute as DH doesn’t know if he’ll be here or not. So I’m looking to go down to my mums after it. She’d already bought a travel cot for her house incase of emergencies. It’s just going to disrupt my toddlers routine as I’d travel after rush hour when it’s less busy. My poor mother will be subjected to a screaming toddler during the night 😅
• It’s not near her house, it’s closer for sure, but it’s still a drive away. But would have someone to help me collapse the stroller and load the car seat at least
• Yes I understand sport is his passion and I’ve not once stopped him going to any of them. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to feel pissed off.