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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

355 replies

Chunkychips23 · 06/02/2025 08:40

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

OP posts:
diddl · 06/02/2025 11:37

I don't think that YABU to be pissed off.

It's annoying when you think something is planned but then it changes-& at a detriment to yourself.

It's still doable though by the sounds of things & that's something.

101Nutella · 06/02/2025 11:39

YANBU
He had a plan, then got a better one so is cancelling the plan. Then trying to gaslight you that it isn’t a big deal. When both you and your mother are upset about it and he is putting his needs above your physical wellbeing.

i’d tell him to arrange transport for you or a babysitter for child as he was an assist and is now not participating in that.
he’s acting like you are default parent. He can change plans without checking but you have to deal with it.

if he wouldnt do that for you i just wouldnt go if it’s going to be terrible for you. Id explain what you need to your mother and if noone from your family can help at a time of need, then that’s that. Ive had your pain in preg so i understand.

i also wouldnt attend his family events unless you want to. Guilt is not a reason to do something. Do it bexause youre able and want to. And value that relationship.

Saggyknickers · 06/02/2025 11:41

Shocked at all those saying YABU.

My dh would never treat me like this. It seems many people have a very low bar.

CityofOliveBranch · 06/02/2025 11:41

My opinion, which seems to be a minority view, is that your DH should honour going to your DM’s milestone birthday celebration, especially given the huge difficulty you will have in going alone and that she does so much for you as a family.

Also, the fact that he hasn’t messaged her yet (although I think he should act like a grown-up and pick up the phone to her), is awful frankly. Perhaps he’s hoping you’ll apologise on his behalf. Either way, it sounds like he calls the shots in your marriage, given your updates, and I wouldn’t put up with that.

I can’t help but wonder that if it was something other than rugby, eg football, boxing, that your DH would be getting so much support in saying that he can’t NOT go to this seemingly unmissable event.

RatalieTatalie · 06/02/2025 11:50

I would definitely feel miffed that he wasn't coming, but I wouldn't stop him going. Or not go myself.

I've never had an issue with doing things by myself with the kids though, I drive and so had to put the kids in and out of car seats all day long when heavily pregnant. Perhaps as its something you aren't used to doing, it feels like a bigger challenge that it will be on the day?

I'm surprised no one can pick you up though, I'd go out of my way to help in that situation. As others have said, perhaps the night before is a good option.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/02/2025 11:52

Where we live, everything is easily accessible, he rarely ever gives me lifts.

Well, if you can't easily get to your own mum's house who you are clearly close to, then I think going forwards driving is going to massively help your household. It's crap being the only one who can drive.

DaisyChain505 · 06/02/2025 11:56

BatchCookBabe · 06/02/2025 11:00

Yeah, but he has chosen to forge a life and a family with someone who cannot drive. He has to suck it up if his wife and kids need to be driven somewhere. Don't get into a relationship with, and have children with someone who can't drive if you're going to piss and moan that you have to do all the driving.

Show quote history

Well you could just as easily reverse that and say don’t get into a relationship with someone who is a passionate sports fanatic if you’re going to piss and moan when they attend sports events.

chaosmaker · 06/02/2025 11:57

@Chunkychips23 I think your husband is being a massive cock over this given how your previous pregnancy went and that you now have a young child as well. I would tell him he couldn't go. His mother sounds a dream too.
Six nations will be on every year. Given how much your mum supports your family, he should be there for you all instead and it doesn't really matter how great he is at other times because that should be the norm.
I don't know why every other post seems to be in support of him either. Although I've only read your responses after the first page or so.

Disturbia81 · 06/02/2025 12:00

Saggyknickers · 06/02/2025 11:41

Shocked at all those saying YABU.

My dh would never treat me like this. It seems many people have a very low bar.

My bar is huge, so huge I'd rather stay single.. but I still think he should go in this case.

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/02/2025 12:03

The lack of you learning to drive would really annoy me unless there's some massive backstory, sorry.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 06/02/2025 12:03

YANBU to be annoyed with DH for changing plans last minute, YABU for choosing to have two kids when you can't drive and then to complain about taking them on public transport.

Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 06/02/2025 12:07

Shinyandnew1 · 06/02/2025 11:52

Where we live, everything is easily accessible, he rarely ever gives me lifts.

Well, if you can't easily get to your own mum's house who you are clearly close to, then I think going forwards driving is going to massively help your household. It's crap being the only one who can drive.

I had been travelling to my mums house quite happily on my own with DC. I didn’t predict physical issues with this pregnancy. It would be business as usual for me otherwise. The only place we drive to together is his parents house, as there are no transport links at all where they live.

OP posts:
DemonicCaveMaggot · 06/02/2025 12:11

I'm not one usually to ask plus ones to things who haven't been invited but given your family aren't willing to help you with getting there do you have a friend your mother knows and likes you could bring in lieu of your DH? You could pay for their meal.

Billydavey · 06/02/2025 12:12

kindlyensure · 06/02/2025 09:54

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person.

Gosh. He sounds lovely.

To be fair I can understand a frustration if it’s something that she’s been saying for ages she’d do and hasn’t, and then when it becomes an issue/would be useful there’s nothing that can be done…

thepariscrimefiles · 06/02/2025 12:12

TheEllisGreyMethod · 06/02/2025 12:03

YANBU to be annoyed with DH for changing plans last minute, YABU for choosing to have two kids when you can't drive and then to complain about taking them on public transport.

She is normally fine on public transport. She is having physical issues with this pregnancy which makes it difficult for her to pick up her toddler.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 06/02/2025 12:13

With your recent updates about how much your mum has done for you both, I’ve changed my mind and think actually he should give it a miss, or at least not be surprised if she’s not as willing to help him in the future. I’d also make it clear now that it works both ways, he’s shown his disdain for your family and you’re under no obligation to pander to his mother.

FrenchandSaunders · 06/02/2025 12:14

Your mum sounds amazing and it's a big birthday for her so I think he should make the effort after what's she done for you both. I get it's the six nations but it just comes across as 'not bothered' and disrespectful to just drop your original plans. Particularly so as his family wouldn't accept that if the roles were reversed.

Imisscoffee2021 · 06/02/2025 12:15

I actually think you're being so accommodating to him with this sport thing. It isn't once in a lifetime. It'll happen again most likely as you've said, and a big birthday for someone who has been so supportive is so much more important as that is once in a lifetime. I understand it connects him to his deceased dad but that connection can be relived at the next fixture he gets corporate access to.

The whole bit of him saying he'd not go if you asked knowing full well you won't, and being able to let your mum down because he knows she'll forgive him and be there for you both no matter what as usual, while bending over backwards to accommodate his more vocal and demanding mother, is just rubbish!

Throw into the mix that you're pregnant and feeling the effects, the not driving is a none issue as you live in a city and clearly haven't been a passenger princess as a matter of form.

Some people get super fanatical about their passions but in this case, the argument for missing this one is just so obvious at the get go, in that it's trumping an already accepted invitation of your mum's birthday, let alone the rest. Damage is already done as your mum is now fretting about you getting there, so the shine has already worn off a bit, can't he see that?

CaptainFuture · 06/02/2025 12:17

101Nutella · 06/02/2025 11:39

YANBU
He had a plan, then got a better one so is cancelling the plan. Then trying to gaslight you that it isn’t a big deal. When both you and your mother are upset about it and he is putting his needs above your physical wellbeing.

i’d tell him to arrange transport for you or a babysitter for child as he was an assist and is now not participating in that.
he’s acting like you are default parent. He can change plans without checking but you have to deal with it.

if he wouldnt do that for you i just wouldnt go if it’s going to be terrible for you. Id explain what you need to your mother and if noone from your family can help at a time of need, then that’s that. Ive had your pain in preg so i understand.

i also wouldnt attend his family events unless you want to. Guilt is not a reason to do something. Do it bexause youre able and want to. And value that relationship.

He's a what?! An 'assist'?

Shinyandnew1 · 06/02/2025 12:20

I had been travelling to my mums house quite happily on my own with DC.

Though what's manageable on a train/taxi gets much harder with another baby and all their accompanying their buggy/car seat and stuff!

Imisscoffee2021 · 06/02/2025 12:23

To add @Chunkychips23 you're getting so much flack about not driving, I didn't drive when my son was born as I lived in a city, well connected and nowhere to park a car anyway. It was easier to get public transport, quicker and cheaper too. Now I live in the countryside and I learned to drive in 4 months as a 35 Yr old. My husband can't drive and never will, and that's fine and what works for us. He probably wouldn't be a confident driver and he has some family history that means he doesn't want to learn anyway. But it's also noones business, but the amount of time people act all boggled that he doesn't drive. If people haven't lived in well connected cities they can't imagine how much easier it is not to drive.

Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 06/02/2025 12:25

I did intend to start lessons again once DC was a little older. I was very close to taking my test years ago, but due to an accident, I lost my confidence. Yes, I’d worked to address those issues and was ready to start again, but fell pregnant. DH and I discussed it would be best to wait until after DC 2 and I was earning more to start again. Hence also interviewing for a better paid remote job than I’m in now.

I am probably more cautious than I would have been if I hadn’t experienced what I did during my 1st pregnancy.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 06/02/2025 12:25

Have you had your iron levels checked recently? I had weakness in pregnancy turned out I was SERIOUSLY low on iron

user1492757084 · 06/02/2025 12:30

I suggest that you travel to your mothers' house the usual way that you do, the day before - early enough to travel when the crowds are low and before you get tired.
Go with your mother to the party and home again.
Have your DH pick you up the day after his sporting event if you feel you can't travel by yourself and if he does he could also shout you and your mother out for brunch.

Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 06/02/2025 12:32

Theunamedcat · 06/02/2025 12:25

Have you had your iron levels checked recently? I had weakness in pregnancy turned out I was SERIOUSLY low on iron

Yes, I’m on iron supplements. My body struggles a little with iron absorption

OP posts: