AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

That's not why he he can't go though. He can't go because he is already committed to his MIL's big birthday celebration. The driving is a red herring.

How much would a taxi cost all the way? Your DH’s regular socialising must cost quite a bit. Personally, I’d book myself a comfortable limo there and back. Sod the cost when you are pregnant, struggling with a toddler and sciatica!

You could cut through that Gordian Knot OP
especially with sciatica which can suddenly render you immobile,
even if you did drive,
stressing you, child, baby,
decline the invitation,
stay home and rest

Surely the obvious compromise here is that you tell DH he CANNOT go down the night before because he has to drive you to your mum's tomorrow evening. How early he wants to get up on saturday morning is up to him (and won't bother you because you won't be there). Then he needs to be back on Sunday to pick you up.

That way he gets the whole of Saturday to his sport, but he has to drive you in both directions so he has to do whatever is necessary to make that happen.

Personally I wouldn't be that bothered about son-in-law's presence at my birthday lunch. I like him just fine, but it's my DD I really want to see. So the whole 'prior commitment' thing wouldn't concern me. My daughter traveling in safety and comfort definitely would though.

Yep. Taxi or he takes you there and back other times.
These are compromises, caused by his late change of plans

I also don't drive (fully intend to learn etc) but I accept that part of not driving means that I occasionally have to throw money at a problem, e.g. taxis, hotels. And that money, however annoying, is still cheaper than running a car.

You are not being unreasonable OP from what you've said you are married to a selfish man-child who wants to go out and play with his pals rather than be a married "family" man. Please stop feeling guilty for wanting your husband to step up and support you, obviously your needs are not important to him, it doesn't sound like this marriage is on the same page in terms of being a family. A family man would want to be with his family not out with pals 3/4 nights a week like a teenager. A very serious talk about your marriage is needed, stay at your mums it doesn't sound like it would bother him at all

I'm MIL age. I would not want my SIL to miss an event like hospitality at an International rugby match just to sit at my birthday meal.
I would be telling OP not to worry and I can see her another time or, if it wasn't too far, going to collect her and having her stay over until her husband could pick her up. If you did go on the train surely someone can collect you from the station and help you.
I wouldn't like to think someone was missing something they would have really enjoyed and wishing they were somewhere else.
It would also apply if I had a DIL who had the chance to do something special,

Thank you all. Appreciate both sides of the coin with perspectives.

I’ll travel down the night before if I can get a dog sitter. Just waiting on a response from them. I’m perfectly fine getting a train/taxi, it’s just the lifting and carrying part I’m a bit worried about. I’ll also have to stand the whole way down as I won’t be able to take the seat off, collapse the stroller etc, unless someone helps me. My friend can’t take our dog and can’t stick around afterwards as she has her own children to sort.

I’ve just tried again and I can’t pick up the car seat with my toddler in it to attach it to the stroller. It’s one of those you need one hand to lower and the other to position it. I feel unbelievably pathetic, as it was no problem a month ago. I felt useless and pathetic in my last pregnancy as I was put on bed rest and then hospital rest until delivery. I know this time it’s just a bit of pain and not the risk of a haemorrhage causing the issues, so I do feel I need to suck it up: it could be so much worse.

Waiting on DH to confirm if he’s willing to travel in the morning at least instead. I think two nights is a bit much. I get wanting to stay afterwards. If I don’t have to sort a dog sitter, that definitely makes it easier.

It really is all about what he wants

I don't understand why someone cannot drop their family to the venue and then go and pick you up. Hopefully someone with kids so they have a carseat and then you bring your ds in a lightweight stroller and likewise drop you from venue to station and then go back to venue and take their family home.

To be fair I would not expect my dp to missed this event for a lunch with his mil.

Under the circumstances and as a one off I'd let this one go and let him enjoy the day.

If he doesn't want the ticket I'll have it

You are being very reasonable about this. I think DH needs to realise just how reasonable you are being in the circumstances. He owes you big time

Hope your trip goes well and that your mom has a wonderful birthday, she sounds very special, as do you

Holy shit this is bad! When will you recognize how lowering your expectations of care and comfort from your dh just leaves you vulnerable to his shitty, selfish, treatment?

He should be fucking groveling to make this mother/daughter event happen given how much you both depend on your mother for support during and after these pregnancies.

This is not rocket science. Pregnant woman and toddler take precedence over boy’s sporty event—and you aren’t even asking that he miss it! You are just asking for support getting to your mother’s house. If the dog is the sticking point he needs to sort the fucking dog.

Do you not have a lightweight pushchair/buggy? Taxis don't require a car seat and often there's no need to collapse the pushchair. A car seat attached to a pram seems very cumbersome for a 14mth old.

If he isn’t willing just to do one night that says it all.
i still can’t believe he never mentioned the timing of it either and just parcelled it up as being reasonable

but after this I do think a hard conversation about expectations and responsibilities may well be needed

I think your husband sounds like a selfish, uncaring wanker.

My partner would never let me or my family down for a sports event and he's incredibly passionate about a few teams.

Christ you haemorrhaged 5 weeks earlier last time, I'm surprised he's letting you out of his sight.

You sound like you’re having a rough time (and had a really hideous experience with your last pregnancy). Your mum sounds lovely and your DH sounds like a total arsehole. The six nations will be on every year for the rest of his life. You won’t be having endless babies and need his help as much in a few years.

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem

Well, he sounds like a dick for this.

Yep, probably her fault for being pregnant and with medical concerns as well

Im just getting a lot I’ve had various reasons and excuses why they couldn’t possibly. From “oh I use my car for work, I can’t risk it” to “we’re only getting to the venue just before it starts, so wouldn’t be able to come and get you”

Feeling a little dejected, but it’s fine. I’ll just have to stick to the plan and ask strangers to help me out with the lifting.

I didn’t realise it was a later kickoff, until someone mentioned it earlier on the thread. He just wants to go earlier to get stuck into the atmosphere of it all and doesn’t want to get caught up in any transport delays. He said he doesn’t see these friends much, only a few nights out a month with them, so wants to make the most of it

He is being really unreasonable.
He doesn't want to be caught up in any traffic delays, but he is happy for you to struggle on a train etc to get to your mums event?
He wants to get stuck into the atmosphere of it all! Well, that's nice for him.

He has done nothing as far as I can tell to help organise anything. You're the one having to make sure your dog is being cared for whilst you are away.

Frankly, your husband needs to grow up.

I know my dh wouldn't enjoy himself if I was having to do what you are doing and in the pain you are in.

What’s the difference between a few times a week and several times a week? Or did you mean he now only goes out a few times a month?

why are you having to sort out the dog sitter when he’s the one saying he has to go away tomorrow night instead of travelling down on the Saturday?