AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

Next time a visit to MIL is on the cards I would have a headache/feel sick etc etc

I imagine it is corporate hospitality again a lovely thing to be given but not an amazing one off event - plus these things tend to be around drinking rather watching the game.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd refuse to see/visit your MIL again. She sounds totally toxic and really cruel to your 14 month old child who is still a baby. Your DH allows his awful mum to say these things and still insists that you visit? He is selfish and unsupportive.

Hopefully, OP will stop seeing her dreadful MIL because she's not her family anyway.

He’s now saying he’s not sure he’s going to go at all now. The trains aren’t running back late enough tomorrow evening and he doesn’t want to stay down there, as he wants to see his adult child from a previous relationship on Sunday now, who’s having a rough time. He’s still undecided, as he may just attempt to go down tonight and leave the rugby early Saturday to make sure he can get back. It’s just too far to drive down there and back in the same day, said it would be too long sat in a car and he wouldn’t be able to drink.

Don't get too hopeful OP; he can still come up with a reason he doesn't want to help you. I don't mean to be pessimistic but was married to someone like this.

OP, don't have more children with such a selfish privk with such little regard for you.

He's a dud. I feel so so sorry for you.
You sound bullied by him and his family.
Womens aid are there for you.

Does this mean that he would be able to attend or drive you to your mum's birthday meal or not?

Apart from her mum, they do sound pretty awful in a 'not being bothered about OP' sort of way, but not the active malevolence that OP's MIL displays towards OP and her grandchild.

I was the devil incarnate (if you asked his mother) for missing a family event 2wks post section and PPH. I was just too battered to attend, but I was selfish for not allowing my ebf newborn not to go.

Based on this (without even factoring in the trauma of your birth experience, which I'm so sorry about) I would be doing absolutely fuck all to facilitate a relationship with his mother.

She sounds horrible and he sounds incredibly selfish.

How far away are you from your mum?

If she wants to collect you why not let her?

He doesn't have vip tickets every year

Previously, I said that he should go because it's a special event but after reading all of your updates, I think he's being totally unreasonable!
It's your mum's big birthday and it's been booked for months, so it's really shitty that he's putting a bloody rugby match (I know it's a big one!) before his wife and family considering your physical position right now.
I hope you can somehow make it to the restaurant and that your mum has a lovely birthday because she sounds like a gem.

No but the update shows it is very much about the drinking!

I have done hospitality and normal and if you love sport normal seating is far far better - the rest is far more about drinkjng

RoSPA advice on taxis: get a wheelchair-accessible one, put pram crossways to direction of travel. If you can take a pushchair, that will make the whole journey easier, as you won't have to carry the child.

Alternatively, although nobody can give you a lift all the way, could one of your family drop their carload and then come and pick you up at the station? That might be doable, assuming someone has the right car-seat.

If it's at your parents' house, can you go for longer, so he can take you and pick you up? If it's somewhere else, perhaps that would still be possible if there is better public transport from theirs to the venue, or if it's close enough for someone to do two trips.

If I have understood you correctly he is considering not going as his adult child may need his support and travel conditions may interfere with that.

So he will alter his plans for that child but not for you his wife, his toddler child and his unborn child. Wow!! It's a stressful time for you but in your circumstances I would be reevaluating the relationship.

I bloody hope you said ah. So I’m heavily pregnant, you have a young child, your mil who does so much for us is having a milestone birthday id like to go to; and the only person you’re considering is your adult child. New plan, if you want to be married when your young children are adults, you will drive us to my mums birthday, since if we are your bottom priority now, you just can’t care that much about any of us.

Wow you really are the bottom of his priority list.
stop trying to be the cool wife and tell him he needs to come with you.
I can’t believe that he’d let you struggle like this for a sporting event. Where is his sense of care and love for you ?

It's a late kick off. He can take you to the birthday lunch and still see the match.

Completely agree with the last few posters who have pointed out his priorities. I'd feel fully entitled to a rage at him.

The priorities are really something else.
It seems OP who had a high risk pregnancy and haemorrhaged before is at the bottom along with her mom who was a huge help to OP’s husband while friends, rugby and an adolescent child „who has a hard time“ come all before. What hard time does the kid go through? A harder than OP?

This is looking bleaker and bleaker the more the thread goes on.

@Chunkychips23 - I think you’re a lovely person and someone who cares about their partner and wants him to have his freedom and fun. Which is really admirable. But please don’t forget to look at the bigger picture here and try to assess at what cost you’re granting him his freedom and how much of your inconvenience and health issues he DOESN’T take into consideration at all.

Being laid back and easy about things is fine but you also need to take yourself seriously and your needs and health. Being okay dann it’s everything is not taking yourself important enough.

Oh my goodness this. They were absolutely brilliant when DD broke her foot, why hadn't I remembered this

OP, I would spend the money on getting an Uber assist there, then stay the night and your DH can collect you afterwards. If he goes out with his friends a couple of times per month, then you can spend this money on the Uber. X

OP, I would spend the money on getting an Uber assist there, then stay the night and your DH can collect you afterwards. If he goes out with his friends a couple of times per month, then you can spend this money on the Uber. X