AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

No, you don't. After this you never have to go to another one. How long will you be in the taxi? As a one-off I'd do it.

Or: tell DH he has to take DS?

I sympathise with your situation, but agree with your husband about the not being able to drive yourself.
Those of us who are non drivers, be it for medical reasons (like myself) financial reasons like yourself, or those who are too anxious to drive or simply don't want to, are at the mercy of the generosity of those who can drive, to give us lifts to places that we either couldn't get to, or would struggle to get to by public transport etc.

He was willing to drive you, but has now had something else come up that means he's no longer available. I also totally agree with him going to this once in a lifetime bells and whistles event, over a happens every year birthday celebration, regardless having accepted the invite months ago. I know you said its a "big" birthday, (guessing 50 or 60th) but its still just a birthday, and its not like a massive expensive event has been booked with a venue and activities etc thats been paid for per head, so nobody will be significantly out of pocket by his not attending.

Him no longer going or being able to transport you and your DC also doesn't mean you can't attend, it just makes it logistically more difficult, but there are compromises. Either he takes you the daytime before and you stay over at your mums or a local hotel/air BnB, you get the train and taxi, or your mum picks you up and then you stay overnight as above until husband can pick you up the day after so mum can still have a drink at the meal.
I get on fine with my MIL and like her enough, but i wouldn't miss out on a one time massive event to go to a birthday meal of hers, even if it made it more difficult for my fiance to get there.

I don't agree with PP's that you absolutely never cancel previous plans you've agreed to because a better option has come up. Fair enough when the plans are like for like, such as one birthday/christmas/NYE party for another, but you can't compare a meal out to an executive box experience at a major annual sporting event or a VIP package at a huge concert on your favourite bands tour etc, there are always some plans that come up later that are understandable to cancel on others for, and i honestly believe for the right event, EVERYONE would do it. Yes, PP's who insist its wrong, even you.

No sports event is “once in a lifetime “—they happen over and over again rather repetitively and can even be watched again on demand.

I think the way you’re talking about everyone is very respectful and kind. I’m not sure I could find it in me to talk like that when it seems it’s only your mother who has your back.

I think I’ve missed the timeline for all of this, but are you currently working? Can you simply get your DH to give you a lift to your Mum’s house whenever is convenient and you don’t come back and you stay there for a week?

Regarding your MIL, simply disregard her. If she gives your DH a hard time then that’s his problem. Just look after yourself, your toddler and soon-to-be-baby. She is someone else’s mother and you don’t need to put yourself out for her.

Yes, this too. He’s the one changing the plan isn’t he?

Still confused as to why you can’t get a taxi … they don’t have a distance limiter, they go any distance you like.. just make sure DH pays.

I will when DC is a bit older. I know it sounds like a really awful thing to say, but I don’t fully trust my MIL with DC.

@Chunkychips23 but your husband will be there with your child- or are you saying you also don't trust your husband too?

You think you need to suck it up and cope with the pain so that your DH can go to a sporting event, leaving a day earlier than necessary because he only sees these friends a few times a week?? It's like you've been brainwashed! His sense of entitlement is awful and he is being so rude and ungrateful to your mum.

When it comes to standing up to his mother, nope.

For example, she’ll feed him junk food when we’ve said we’re not doing that just yet and he’ll pretend he didn’t see. Or she’ll say things like “you should be walking by now, you lazy boy. You’re not even trying are you” or “take your hands out of your mouth right now, you look common” I’m just not ok with that.

Can’t your DH go to his mother’s house without you and the kids then?

Your extended family are being awful but so is your DH. It sounds as though he puts himself first all the time. I can't believe that he wants two overnights for this trip, as well not even bothering to apologise to your mum, as none of these issues with your travel would have arisen if he had done the decent thing for his heavily pregnant wife and his helpful, supportive MIL and honoured his commitment to attend her birthday meal.

You keep blaming yourself as though your heavily pregnant body is something you need to apologise for. The only person that should be apologising is your DH.

Good luck with the journey, OP. I understand why you’re stressed but just know that lots of people will be happy to help. My 2 DDs are adult now, but it would make my day to help a pregnant mum and her LO. Try to think about it that way and don’t hesitate to ask or share your worries with fellow passengers. I hope your mum has a lovely birthday too - she sounds great. 💐

OP have you looked at booking assistance at the station. I've really found them great. You could also book a priority sear and get more space. If course he could offer to pay first class and still book assistance.

Your mum understands if you can't make it - oh, believe her, OP, and give yourself the day off. You can do something lovely for your mum another day and extend her birthday with extra treats. She's your mum, she won't want you getting stressed and anxious, and she knows how much you love her without making you prove it with a difficult journey.

I would be letting my husband visit his mother alone whilst my son and I stay at home. She wouldn't moan at me because I wouldn't listen to her. She can't be bothered to travel to me and my phone has a volume and an off switch

Why isn’t DH sorting out dog sitter?

Get husband to drive you up the day before, OP, or take the train and have your mum pick you up. Attend the birthday lunch with your mum - shame those relatives who wouldn't make an effort to help you when they see you hugely pregnant and struggling! - and stay a second night. Then have your DH drive up to collect you and his child the next day in the afternoon, giving him time to recover from the previous day's over-indulgence in the morning, as well as the opportunity to wish your mum happy birthday and take her and you and DC out to a lavish tea before driving home.

That way he gets to enjoy the special hospitality package he's been given unexpectedly (My DH would kill for one of those!) while still fulfilling his family obligations. You get to celebrate your mum's birthday with her and not have to worry about managing toddler, car seats etc on the return journey.

Let him sort the dog, and let him visit his mother by himself, leaving you, toddler and soon to arrive newborn peacefully at home.

If he won't compromise his plans to make these reasonable adjustments you will need to have a very stern word and plan how you will manage his expectations around curtailing his lively social life once there are two DC he is responsible for.

It's a one of special event and it's not his family anyway

Oh yes. Infallibly.

@Chunkychips23 take the day off. You’re heavily pregnant. Your last pregnancy was challenging. You’ve a toddler. You’ll be trying to manage in your own.

Honestly, in your shoes, I’d be settling in the sofa to watch the rugby myself with a box of chocolates. If anyone gets sniffy, just say you wanted to let DH have a nice well-earned day at the rugby but that unfortunately meant you couldn’t make the lunch without another adult to give you a lift/help out. Don’t ask your mother. Hope the pregnancy goes smoothly and safely. Rest up!!

If your family event was booked in first then he should not be going to the sporting event.
If I had something in my calander as an important family event for my DH i wouldn't cancel it because someone gave me some free tickets to something.. no matter how much I loved the thing.. because that's a really shitty thing to do.
And on top of that you are pregnant and will be dealing with your child!!
I think you SHOULD tell him not to go. I would.
If the boot was on the other foot would you honestly go and leave him?
I just think it's shitty to duck out of a prior engagement because you got a better offer. What kind of message does that send to your family?

Why not go the night before so it's not back and forth ?

England v France six nations is not a special event - it happens every year and every two years at Twockenham. I am not even a Rugby fan and I have been to see it!

@Tiswa I assume they are VIP type tickets