AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

Where on earth do you live that he needs to travel down the night before what I think is the England France match to mean that someone else now needs to babysit yiur toddler for you to go to an interview

he isn’t coming across well - yes it’s is a passion of his but not at the expense of everything else

I didn’t realise it was a later kickoff, until someone mentioned it earlier on the thread. He just wants to go earlier to get stuck into the atmosphere of it all and doesn’t want to get caught up in any transport delays. He said he doesn’t see these friends much, only a few nights out a month with them, so wants to make the most of it.

HRTFT but

could you use one of those trunki booster seats for your little one? They may be a bit too young but they’re a lot easier to manage.

you don’t need a car seat in a taxi legally but appreciate you possibly aren’t comfortable with that.

how far is the venue from the station?
couldnt someone in the family pick you up after dropping their family at the venue. We do that a lot for our family events.

it’s hard when you’re pregnant but I think if this is what is happening you need to give your head a (gentle) wobble - if you plan for it to be hard it will be and you’ll feel resentful.

if LO is in a buggy can you fix a car seat to that? I’d imagine the driver would help you fix it in anyway. It sounds like a long day. Could you book a hotel or B&C nearby to break it up? Give you chance for a proper rest.

Now, he’s being hideously unreasonable.

I think he should go.

I wouldn't turn down the chance of something I really want to go to so that I could have lunch with my MIL.

Stay over at your mum's house or take her to lunch another day!

if it is twickenham gates open at 1pm. Given to go to England France you presumably live in England I can’t see single place to live you would have to travel down the night before to enjoy it given you have an interview @Chunkychips23
that is pretty selfish

that said with that kick off timing and a desire to enjoy the atmosphere neither can I see him getting back that night either!

so in effect his passion is leaving his pregnant (heavily) wife alone with a toddler and missing a family event

will he do the same for you - take charge later on for a spa break.

A few nights out a months is a fuckload when you have young children. Op, do you get a few solo days out to yourself a month? Why are you feeling so guilty that he might have to trim ONE outing short and drive you so you’re not in pain? Does he seem to feel at all guilty that you don’t get out? You need to be less endlessly giving to the point that you and your mum are hurt. You matter too.

it sounds like you’re quite pregnant. Given what happened last time, surely no decent husband would think it’s ok you’re struggling across town in a train and a taxi with your toddler. Honestly.

any friends that know your mum/family that you could invite along?
either to help with public transport, or drive you?

Hold on not much is a few nights out a month so what at least once a week and he sells that as not much

he comes across as incredibly selfish and self centred.

I think to not let him go would be wrong but I would be having a very long chat about responsibility family events and taking sole charge of children

I think OP is looking around to figure out who to blame.
But it seems to point back to them not having a driving license.

It really doesn’t - that is a part of it but reading the other posts that was a joint financial decision and he is being selfish

Does your DH have any siblings that he could rally around who could give him a hand in getting you to the venue for your mother's meal. Then you could get a taxi to her place or share a lift with a family member.

Could that be an option for you @Chunkychips23 ?

He said he doesn’t see these friends much, only a few nights out a month with them, so wants to make the most of it.

This feels like rather a dripfeed. He ONLY goes out with these friends a few nights a month?! How much does he go out with other friends?!

He goes out a few times a week. We both used to have busy social calendars pre-child. He used to be out several times a week, so has massively reduced his attendance at things. That’s why I feel I’m being a but unreasonable with feeling annoyed. He’s made that conscious effort to reduce it.

This was always obvious! What an arse. It may be fine for him to miss your dm’s birthday lunch but ffs his pregnant wife and toddler in a second high risk pregnancy still need care and support. If the heat goes out or you are hospitalized while he is away does he just shrug his shoulders because he’s not affected?

He goes out a few times a week. We both used to have busy social calendars pre-child. He used to be out several times a week, so has massively reduced his attendance at things.

What's the different between a few and several? Is a few 3? Is several 5/6/7?

How many evenings a week do you go out?

Even if she had a lisence the high risk pregnancy and the toddler might make it advisable for her not to drive. I was not permitted to drive during my second pregnancy.

Perhaps someone else has suggested it but if the car is with you rather than him can you hire a driver for the day?

Your relationship sounds rather asymmetric. You’re expected to bend over backwards to accommodate anything DH or his side of the family want, but when you need practical help and support there are a million reasons why it isn’t convenient for him to provide it.

You describe your own reaction to the current situation as “precious” and “hormonal” but I wonder whether these negative interpretations are really coming from him/your extended family. Nobody seems to be falling over themselves to make this work for you and your DC.

Anyway. Could your mum perhaps pick you up from the station the night before, if you went early? And another family member drop you to the station the next day?

I’m planning on doing that now. Just trying to find a dog sitter for the night.

I feel like I’m being hormonal as I’m not usually that bothered. He loves sport and will watch it at any given opportunity, so it hasn’t come as a surprise. I’m just stressing about the physical side of things and the disappointment for my mum as well, even if she won’t openly express that.

You need to learn how to drive asap once baby number 2 is here

If OP had a driving licence, she would still be struggling and uncomfortable and perhaps not even safe to drive.
DH would still be missing the birthday lunch and not showing a lot of sensitivity.

That's a ridiculous thing to say. I presume you mean legally you don't need one. Common sense and statistics would dictate otherwise.

You are bothered because he hasn’t thought through anything about how it affects his family - the impact it will have on everyone else. He sees going down the night before and a whole lot of fun and expects that you will pick up everything else

presumably like you do when he goes out.

do you go out the same - I expect you may say no because I have the toddler etc well so does he

what strikes me the most is he didn’t tell you it was a late afternoon kick off and that going down the night before was unnecessary either becuase when given the choice that is what he wanted

Could you ask your mum if you and your husband could take her out on a different day, your treat? That way your husband can go to the match (and I don't blame him for wanting to go - those sorts of tickets are expensive and rare) and you can all still see your mum, without you needing a train etc.

You learning to drive is a separate conversation. And a little unfair of him to say it - nothing you can do about it before the planned lunch! It is a worthwhile skill to have for sure, and you should consider if that's an expense you can afford and want to do in the future once you've had your baby.

I had sciatica when pregnant with my second. I quite literally couldn't walk from my living room to the kitchen (next room) without being in agony and in tears. So I don't think you should attempt the journey without support. Do you have a friend that would either drive you for fuel money or might like to join you and either drive you (you pay for their meal) or come on the train with you to help?

If you can manage the train, can anyone drive to collect you from the station once they drop off their other passengers?

Or is there a bus? You could keep the little one in the pushchair on the train then the bus potentially?

Hormonal is a phrase meant to be used against you. It is the way selfish men teach women to dismiss their needs so its easier/faster/not noticed when your dh is dismissing them.

If I am growing a new human inside me and I am in a high risk pregnancy you’d better believe I am going to be fucking hormonal and make some demands for my comfort and convenience.

Does mr football matters think in a million years he could do what you have done-twice? That he would risk his dad bod and his health and his teeny tiny naughty bits to birth a baby in a welter of blood without a peep?

Make some demands for your own safety and comfort! Fuck him and his important match—he absolutely could have come home snd driven you down the night before. Bullshit that he couldn’t—my dh would have!