Childminder ‘shouted’ at toddler

[MargerineDreams]

No previous concerns with childminder. Today she advised she had to ‘shout’ at my child. Her words. She explained that an an outing to a local community centre, my child wasn’t getting attention from someone who works at the centre and therefore had a tantrum. Childminder then had to ‘shout’ at child to make them stop having a tantrum. Am I being ‘wet’ in worrying a childminder should not ‘shout’ at my kid? By all means, manage behaviour but ‘shouting’?! When I picked my kid up she was v clingy. I’m not soft, I raise my voice at my kids and I regret it and apologise. I don’t want anyone to ‘shout’ at
my toddler unless they are in immediate danger. Definitely okay with dealing with behaviour in
an appropriate way. But ‘shouting‘ at a toddler seems aggressive.

She told you because your child was still upset hours later and lightly to tell you herself. Or worried someone else might tell you. I would ask child what happened and possibly look for a new setting for her. have been round lots of childminders at groups and know them from school runs and this isn’t usual there should have been an intervention from her before the child felt the need to have a tantrum, distraction or told to just wave at whoever it was. Keep a close eye on it if you leave her there your child won’t know that she shouldn’t be treated like that.

I read this as the CM obtusely/poorly trying to tell you your child is badly behaved / has problematic behaviour.

She explained that an an outing to a local community centre, my child wasn’t getting attention from someone who works at the centre and therefore had a tantrum.

It's probably worth a second conversation to clarify but fwiw i would have no issue if my CM "shouted" at my misbehaving child...

Whilst others think doing nothing or begging their child ("pwease stop having a tantrum. Pwease...for mummy?") will make them regulate quicker.

The difference is that the childminder is a paid professional who should know best practice on managing toddler meltdowns and should behave accordingly. Completely different to a frazzled mother raising her voice to her children at the end of a long day. I wouldn't be happy and would send a quick message saying you'd prefer a gentler response to tantrums in future and you're happy to chat through specific phrases and actions to use when she may be having a meltdown.

It can be, but if you can't control anger and frustration around young children you shouldn't be working with. Point blank. Part of working with the vulnerable means you need an above average level of patience. Certainly shouldn't be shouting at them because you feel angry and frustrated. Good grief. Imagine making the same excuses for carers of adults with Alzheimer's - is that ok to shout at them too when they don't behave accordingly? I speak as a primary school teacher. Adults working with children should be able to control their emotions

It's also just poor modelling of behaviour - I'm going to respond to your loud, outpouring of emotion by also having a loud, outpouring of emotion!?

Another that thinks raising a voice is shouting and that it’s sometimes necessary. A lady down from us used to mind children and shouted nearly all day THAT I have a huge problem with. Saying that, if she told you because as someone above said she had a guilty conscience because she’s afraid someone else will say it, that could be different as maybe it’s not a one off. Depends on your gut feeling on her really

OP I’ve read all of your posts but not the whole thread. I hope you and your child minder can talk about it. I am on the side that telling you is good because you can discuss it together. I’d wonder about definition of a tantrum, shout/raised voice etc.

My DS went through a lovely phase of telling me yelling was only for if you need to help or someone is in danger. While doing thing like climbing the outside stair rail etc because he didn’t see the danger. Some years of parenting my kids seem hell bent on being in danger at all times. Similarly a public tantrum won’t get yelling except for when it happens on the road, or even a busy pedestrian area where I might yell while trying to get him to the edge of the path.

I think there is a lot of double speak in the gentle parenting world. Time outs will destroy them emotionally forever. The naughty step is teaching them they are naughty… But a time IN is magically allowed (which is a time out- and mine happen on the naughty step)

Again, stop misinterpreting what I wrote.

Shouting isn't 'losing it' per se.
Any kind of discipline could be 'losing it' if it's not properly controlled. 😒

Exactly.
Apparently we're all losing it and don't know any other form of discipline if we occasionally do/did the former, according to certain posters.

I do wonder at the mums who claim to be so perfectly emotionally regulated that they’ve never so much as raised their voice at their kids, and whether that isn’t offset by either a ton of passive aggression or internalised frustration manifesting ultimately as depression or anxiety, which they don’t realise as being at least as damaging for the child.

Jog on, haha! The OP described her child as having a tantrum, because they weren’t getting the attention they wanted. I don’t ‘think’ it’s bratty, this is what it is.

Aye, maybe in the cloud cuckoo land that you inhabit. To anyone with a decent understanding of child development, it’s entirely age appropriate… 👍

@OneLemonGuide or maybe they are just able to parent without yelling at a 2 year old? Just as I also wouldn't shout at a 6 month old baby, I also don't have the need or desire to shout at a little toddler. For me that doesn't cause repressed emotions and depression because I don't FEEL the emotion of anger in the first place... if anything, mild exasperation is the worst it gets.

Not everyone is the same. I think most parents in the modern age would hopefully avoid shouting at a child who has only been in the world 24 months.

And yes, the reason I wouldn't get angry particularly is I know it's normal child development to push boundaries or struggle to self regulate.

@Originblueberry what a silly thing to say. I'm not even going to justify that with a response 🤣

Seeing childminders at playgroups and soft play in my area put me right off using them. You could always tell the CMs from the parents.

I would be worried. My childminder never got angry. if kids wind you up - don't work with them! My childminder was much calmer than me!

I completely agree with you. I see lots of childminders at playgroups and only a handful seem to actually engage nicely with the child/children they are looking after. I’ve stopped going to two groups as found it too sad.

@Tootiredmummyof3 My dc are now in university so, no, I don't need to come back to tell you what it's like when they get to secondary school thanks

And I very rarely shouted & never when they were toddlers.

Anger is an appropriate and natural reaction though to certain behaviour (though I agree a toddler having a tantrum isn’t one of them), and suppressing it isn’t healthy.

If you child’s behaviour has justifiably made you angry, then it’s healthy for the child to know that. Shielding them in an unreal bubble where they never learn the emotional impact of their actions on others is bad parenting in my opinion, and is just going to lead to that child growing up and struggling with friendships and relationships.

Also, anger does not equate to losing control or being aggressive, it’s an emotion that can be appropriately expressed whilst not suppressing it simply in the interests of “being gentle”.