Best friend angry at my government benefits

[mumof1x99]

My best friend asked me a couple of times how much money I get on benefits (I get universal credit, carer's allowance, child benefit and DLA for my child)

We generally have a very open friendship but I avoided the question a couple of times because I felt a bit uncomfortable answering

She spun it in a way that her cousin was applying for DLA for her disabled child and wanted to know what extra she could get etc

I ended up telling her and now she's been ignoring me for a week. She said it was ridiculous that I get pretty much twice as much as her full time job etc

I understand the frustration but it's not my fault, I simply claim what's out there for me to claim. I'm a single mother to a disabled child

AIBU? How can I make this right?

This person is no friend OP.

I was a prison visitor before falling ill just over a year ago (it costs £1000 a week to keep a prisoner and men are offered plenty of study and employers post sentence). Women are tarred for life!
I claim benefits as I cannot do my previous international job. I now have to sell my house I can no longer afford and expect not to work again. I use aids to walk and even I was abused by a much older person in a car park today. I have blue badges.
I have cancer with a 50% chance of living two years. This is on top of RA, fibromaylgia and other conditions. My DH has had to assist me in bathing and using the toilet. We also have a SEN DC.

Would these people like to wipe arses after 3? I doubt it but we do it for love not for less than £3 per hour that carers allowance pays. I was a carer for both my parents and it nearly killed me but I saved the state a fortune. I used up my life savings but I recovered a bit over the last few years then shit happens.
Next time someone asks what you get say not enough and offer to swap because I can tell you it takes a special person to care for a disabled family member.
X

Can you not help her get benefits given this context? She will get some UC for sure and maybe DLA - as one of children could be suffering anxieties or traumas or issues etc due to father being in prison. Maybe you can reach out and help support a claim to help her?

@TheMoment I doubt her child would get DLA, it's quite hard to get. But yes I am going to speak to her about the universal credit that she'd be entitled to

I disagree that it's how most would feel.

I'm a single mum, struggling financially but don't qualify for any benefits. However, never in a million years would I trade my dds health for that.

If my best friend was unfortunate to be in the same situation as OP, I'd be doing everything I could to be a supportive friend.

There are some things in life that are far more precious than money. Children's health os top of that list

A claim always worth a try though - even if just low rate care and no mobility it will help.

So you too are a person who would begrudge a child with disabilities money that might make their life a little easier or happier? And carers work, I promise you we do many many more hours in a much much harder job than you do if you just do a regular job.
You sound as nice as the friend.

It is ridiculous,yes, but like you say, you’re just claiming what’s out there. The government are doing an overhaul of the system, so hopefully they’ll make it more financially viable to work than claim benefits. Probably talking out of their arses, butI’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt…..

I’d just let her piss off. She sounds jealous and has no leg to stand on her high horse seeing as her husband is in prison.
Does she not realise the DLA is for your child not you? Your dc is entitled to that money.

I wouldn’t want to be friends with such an ignoramus.

But a lot of us with disabled children CANNOT work, because their care needs are so high. So what are you getting at, that we should live in poverty?

I have a friend with a disabled child. Her days are filled with appointments, hospital visits, calls with his care team, hourly feeds, therapy… honestly it’s endless and exhausting. She would love to work but she physically can’t! It is a full time job and she is remunerated as such. I don’t know how much she receives but I am sure it is more than I earn and I don’t begrudge her a penny.

Carers allowance works out at less than £3 an hour. That is how much her ‘salary’ is. Any DLA she receives belongs to her child.

I'm aware that I earn more than most of my friends, and have lower outgoings as I don't have kids and have paid my mortgage off.

For that reason I avoid any discussion on salary or finances, as it would feel insensitive to me.

Your friend is a short sighted idiot anyway. Giving up work to care for a disabled child isn't lucrative. You're not owning your own house and getting UC to such an extent that someone would envy your payments. And raising a disabled child costs more than raising a non disabled child, hence the reason you receive benefits for it.

Your friend sounds very unkind.

I think you should get off Mumsnet and get ready to go to work tomorrow so you can keep those taxes up ❤️

Yep, people have no idea. They think it is just sitting at home infront the TV whilst their kid plays in another room. That, or they think the fact the child goes to school means the parent could work. I remember the parent of a disabled child was told she should get a job during school hours. The poor mum said she used those hours her child was at school to actually get some sleep, as her child kept her up at all hours.

You think it's healthy to badger the OP until she tells her friend about her benefits and to then break off the friendship? I don't think most people would swap places with someone with a disabled child simply in order to qualify for higher benefits. OP's friend sounds like a dick.

yes her ds does go to school but due to his health issues his attendance is so low as he constantly needs to be taken out for surgery,
recovery and he is highly susceptible to any illness. She was offered a job as a midday supervisor at her dcs school but turned it down on the basis she would have to be off sick about 50% of the time.

when he does make it to school… she either needs to catch up sleep or all of the housework and admin for both her children. It’s relentless.

I don’t think you need to justify anything and your finances are certainly no one else’s business, but if you’re intent on trying to pacify your ‘friend’ it’s probably worth highlighting that what comes in, isn’t always comparable to what is left. It’s usually true that if you have more income you’ve also got more outgoings!

Look, I work two jobs, have two kids, a mortgage and everything else to pay for as the higher earner in my house. I have never claimed benefits. But I can't get annoyed about someone with a disabled child who claims. I am more annoyed with the billionnaires and chairmen hoarding cash, not a single mother with a disabled kid who might be getting 100 quid more than me.

I’m afraid she’s a sly one … Be careful as all she had to do was Google it …🤷‍♀️

Why is it ridiculous?

They don’t when you compare the same circumstances.

Don't try to make it right she sounds awful! Why would a friend resent you getting benefits for your disabled child?

Now this a thread I've experienced a lot in RL!

DH works a decent wage £50 000 before tax) so we are not entitled to any benefits. Tax credits is sth I don't know much about. I've always worked as well but went PT after DC and have 2 jobs so all fine, we earn enough to pay for mortgage, bills etc.

Some friends, who are single parents, but actually aren't as they have partners who work and help, also DC fathers cash maintenance. They claim a lot, rent paid etc and do come out with a lot more expendable money than us, fact. One said she had more money than she would spend that month and treated us to a round of cocktails, fact.

Yes it's the system, which is very important to support people who need it, but of course flaws and ways around, which is so sad for those in genuine need.

I don't resent these friends, I love them, but I do point out how lucky they are. Only a couple have SEN children so get extra DLA and the money isn't needed for extra support because it's all provided free.

I do see parents who have special needs themselves and the likelihood is their DC will have also. However to see one who continued to drink, smoke and do drugs, the poor baby had withdrawal symptoms and foetal alcohol system, so basically brain damage. Still being a friend to her as she's hopeless and child having huge problems. She will be in need of UC and dla the rest of her life. Xx

Well, it depends whether you need the money and how you spend it. I have 2 friends, who in my mind, are milking the system. One claims DBA because her child has ADHD, yet her child is in full time education and doesn't have any additional needs that, in my view, require extra money. She is taking tge kids to Disneyland with the money. Another friend has 2 kids who allegedly have Long Covid and she claims DLA for them as well as, I think, a carers allowance. She works and they are both in school, although often come home early, depending upon what subjects they have. It's worth noting that their 'long covid' doesn't interfere with their many clubs and activities in the evenings and they are fine going on days out to London or Alton Towers. The mother uses the money they get as 'treats' as it can be spent on anything. She gets around £7k a year. I simply do not understand how people can receive payments for 'disabilities' that do not actually result in additional financial hardship. It's mad! Meanwhile I know children with severe autism and disabilities who cannot get the support that they need in school. I have a third friend who's son is very autistic, requires one to one, needs speech therapy, has coordination issues and she has to fight for every bit of help and never gets any respite. You shouldn't just be given money to spend on whatever you fancy. That money should be taken away from families who don't need it and it should, instead he invested in services for those who really need it. It's an absolutely shitty system that squanders money than could be far far better spent on those who suffer severe disabilities and whom face genuine financial hardship. So, whether your friend feels justified really depends upon which camp you fall into.