Best friend angry at my government benefits

[mumof1x99]

My best friend asked me a couple of times how much money I get on benefits (I get universal credit, carer's allowance, child benefit and DLA for my child)

We generally have a very open friendship but I avoided the question a couple of times because I felt a bit uncomfortable answering

She spun it in a way that her cousin was applying for DLA for her disabled child and wanted to know what extra she could get etc

I ended up telling her and now she's been ignoring me for a week. She said it was ridiculous that I get pretty much twice as much as her full time job etc

I understand the frustration but it's not my fault, I simply claim what's out there for me to claim. I'm a single mother to a disabled child

AIBU? How can I make this right?

I agree it doesn't seem fair that on benefits you get more than a full time worker, at least you are honest and feel you managed well, lots of others say they don't get enough money on benefits and can't manage.

@HellsBalls the OP is obviously at home caring for a severely disabled child it is not watching tv it is just a different type of grafting , when you have a severely disabled child, childcare is impossible to find, even when in education it is not always full time, they can be off sick a lot and no one can take care of them . Holiday care is virtually non existent for disabled children and if you do find a club that will take them you often have to stay with them as they are not trained for the disablility.
then you have the sleepless nights that don't stop at 2-3 year olds , the worry of caring for a child well beyond 18 when the child maybe bigger and heavier than you but still needs help dressing etc but you can't actually lift them. wondering what will happen to them when you are too old or to ill to care for them and when you die who will advocate for them etc etc

These threads are getting tedious. She’s much better off working in terms of pension, future promotions, self esteem, making a contribution to society, so I’ve no idea why she’d be jealous of you.

OP will get DLA, carers allowance etc for her disabled child which isn't what most people on benefits are going to get.

YANBU, you get what you get, no good getting bent out of shape about it. £2k isn’t that much and presumably you have to pay rent out of that. She obviously doesn’t realise that once your child is an adult (a long way off, I know), you will lose a lot of that money and either have to reduce spending or enter the job market which would be hard after years of not doing employed work. Not sure what your child’s disabilities are but if they’re more invisible, she might not understand the hard work of looking after a child with special needs and she’s probably adjusting to her own new circumstances. Doesn’t excuse her being a dick though.

That may be because all disabled people are not the same, and would have different needs that could cost more, or less than the next disabled person. Also those needs may change, and become even more expensive as a child, for example grows. It is really quite simple, but I understand that someone from the outside looking in, could quite literally have no clue as to what those extra costs could entail.

No, our child is very healthy overall, however eats specific ways, prefers being around us etc. If my husband goes soon, I won't be able to be doing all that for her and at the same time having full time job to pay the bills alone, so I would have to go on benefits, even if I still have part-time employment. Which puts me in the brackets of people who are after benefits once life gets hard.

It's hypocritical to judge someone for having more money than you due to them having a disabled child when the reason your household income is lower is because your DH is in prison costing the tax payer more than the OP will be claiming in benefits.

How dismissive you are. Having good self esteem does not just rest on being in paid employment! Plenty of people are making a perfectly solid contribution to Society, who are not being paid a wage.

So the state (and therefore the taxpayer) is providing all-expenses paid accommodation and upkeep for her husband?

Point that out to her.

That's not the same as having a disabled child.

Carer's allowance and DLA relate to you having a disabled child. I assume that makes it harder for you to work and you have more expenses? You need that income. Is she really envious of your circumstances?

Aye because money is better than having a healthy child.
She's a grade A arsehole bin her because she ain't no friend.

Tell her to disable one of her children and she too can claim DLA.

It is shocking and appalling that in the UK people who don’t work can earn more than people who do! But that’s in no way your fault, assuming your claim is based on honest need! It’s the Government she needs to be angry at and taking it out on you is awful; she’s not a good friend!

OP, it is appalling that people on benefits can be better off than people who work but that’s not your fault and your friend is being a dick

Yeah, it's disgusting that children with disabilities and their parents who care for them receive funding from the Government, isn't it? Why aren't they out begging?

Oh, wait....I know we look like a third world country right now but thank god we have a little bit of decency left.

Jesus wept.

I’ve work hard all my adult life and never claimed a penny in benefits, however you are receiving benefits you are entitled to and I would never begrudge anyone this when they are caring for a disabled child. Your income is NOBODY ELSES BUSINESS so please don’t feel you have to discuss this with anyone ever again.
If your friend remains distanced there is nothing you can do, she’s not a true friend, she’s a jealous friend and they are the worst kind. She had absolutely no right to even ask you.
Would she prefer her child to be disabled so she could claim benefits? I don’t think so!
If anyone asks you for ‘advice’ again regarding benefits simply say that everyone’s circumstances must surely be different and recommend they turn to Gov.UK or Citizens Advice, you are not their adviser.
Sorry if you feel you’ve lost a friend, but seriously, ask yourself, what kind of friend treats you like this? Sending you best wishes

Or, of course the Government should support people who genuinely need it, but employers should be forced by the Government to pay wages that ensure a genuine incentive for being in work? 🤔 Work should always pay more than welfare and the living wage should be a real living wage.

OP, it is appalling that people on benefits can be better off than people who work but that’s not your fault and your friend is being a dick

God, I am incensed! I mean maybe it would be better if the OP put her child in care and then then someone was paid to look after the child instead of her? Let's see, minimum wage of £11.44 an hour, 24 hour care/7 days a week.....I make that £1921 a week, almost £4k a month and of course, the carer would require a pension, and employer NI contributions paid on top.....

Is that better?

@SassK my child's disability is physical, he will eventually be able to manage it himself as he gains more independence. I've already completed my degree (aged 18-21, I finished my degree in the May and had my son in the July). When he's secondary school age I'll only be in my early 30s, won't be too late to go back and do a postgrad and get my career running 🥰 I'm hopeful about the future tbh!

Your friends reaction is how most would feel in the same circumstances, unfortunately. Whether this is right or wrong as a feeling is not really relevant - it is still a valid feeling. She is being mature ignoring you as probably knows it’s unhealthy for her to remain friends with you - as she clearly feels annoyed and that it’s unfair. You will just have to leave it now.

It is not comparing like for like though.
It is not fair to compare someone who gets benefits due to disability/kid's disability, and someone who has no disabilities/disabled kids that works full time.
Apples and oranges.

To compare similar would be someone unemployed with someone who works. Have a look at what basic UC is for someone out of work. They are not even getting half of what someone who works gets.
Work always pays.

Full time care for a severely disabled child who needs nursing care would be almost £300,000 a year if they weren't cared for in the home by relatives.

Carers save this country a fortune. It would be bankrupt by Friday if they downed tools tomorrow.

Caring is work. What do you do for a living, professional moaner?