Page 10 | Best friend angry at my government benefits

mumof1x99 · 2025-02-05T14:35:11+00:00

My best friend asked me a couple of times how much money I get on benefits (I get universal credit, carer's allowance, child benefit and DLA for my child) We generally have a very open friendship but I avoided the question a couple of times because I felt a bit uncomfortable answering She spun it in a way that her cousin was applying for DLA for her disabled child and wanted to know what extra she could get etc I ended up telling her and now she's been ignoring me for a week. She said it was ridiculous that I get pretty much twice as much as her full time job etc I understand the frustration but it's not my fault, I simply claim what's out there for me to claim. I'm a single mother to a disabled child AIBU? How can I make this right?

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/02/2025 20:01

Beautifulweeds · 05/02/2025 19:57

Now this a thread I've experienced a lot in RL!

DH works a decent wage £50 000 before tax) so we are not entitled to any benefits. Tax credits is sth I don't know much about. I've always worked as well but went PT after DC and have 2 jobs so all fine, we earn enough to pay for mortgage, bills etc.

Some friends, who are single parents, but actually aren't as they have partners who work and help, also DC fathers cash maintenance. They claim a lot, rent paid etc and do come out with a lot more expendable money than us, fact. One said she had more money than she would spend that month and treated us to a round of cocktails, fact.

Yes it's the system, which is very important to support people who need it, but of course flaws and ways around, which is so sad for those in genuine need.

I don't resent these friends, I love them, but I do point out how lucky they are. Only a couple have SEN children so get extra DLA and the money isn't needed for extra support because it's all provided free.

I do see parents who have special needs themselves and the likelihood is their DC will have also. However to see one who continued to drink, smoke and do drugs, the poor baby had withdrawal symptoms and foetal alcohol system, so basically brain damage. Still being a friend to her as she's hopeless and child having huge problems. She will be in need of UC and dla the rest of her life. Xx

What exactly is all provided for free?

There's a reason why DLA exists, it's expensive having a disabled child.

XenoBitch · 05/02/2025 20:04

Scentedjasmin · 05/02/2025 19:59

Well, it depends whether you need the money and how you spend it. I have 2 friends, who in my mind, are milking the system. One claims DBA because her child has ADHD, yet her child is in full time education and doesn't have any additional needs that, in my view, require extra money. She is taking tge kids to Disneyland with the money. Another friend has 2 kids who allegedly have Long Covid and she claims DLA for them as well as, I think, a carers allowance. She works and they are both in school, although often come home early, depending upon what subjects they have. It's worth noting that their 'long covid' doesn't interfere with their many clubs and activities in the evenings and they are fine going on days out to London or Alton Towers. The mother uses the money they get as 'treats' as it can be spent on anything. She gets around £7k a year. I simply do not understand how people can receive payments for 'disabilities' that do not actually result in additional financial hardship. It's mad! Meanwhile I know children with severe autism and disabilities who cannot get the support that they need in school. I have a third friend who's son is very autistic, requires one to one, needs speech therapy, has coordination issues and she has to fight for every bit of help and never gets any respite. You shouldn't just be given money to spend on whatever you fancy. That money should be taken away from families who don't need it and it should, instead he invested in services for those who really need it. It's an absolutely shitty system that squanders money than could be far far better spent on those who suffer severe disabilities and whom face genuine financial hardship. So, whether your friend feels justified really depends upon which camp you fall into.

DLA/PIP is not awarded based on your costs. It is based on how disability affects the claimant. Everyone applying has to get a certain amount of points to actually get any money
Someone with agoraphobia can claim PIP because they can not leave the house on their own... if they just stay at home, do you think their money should be taken from them?

Andwhoisasking · 05/02/2025 20:08

Your friend shouldn’t worry. It’s exactly this anomaly Labour plan to fix when they cut welfare.

mirrorglitterball · 05/02/2025 20:10

I claim DLA for my DS and found it a lot of hassle- proof of official diagnosis, evidence from school and professionals to back what I was saying etc etc. I’m extremely doubtful that anybody could just exaggerate a non-existent condition and somehow qualify for the highest rate.

CdcRuben · 05/02/2025 20:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BrightYellowTrain · 05/02/2025 20:11

in my view

And that is the crux of it. You don’t actually know.

mirrorglitterball · 05/02/2025 20:14

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/02/2025 20:01

What exactly is all provided for free?

There's a reason why DLA exists, it's expensive having a disabled child.

Show quote history

Yes what is this free support and where can I find it please?

threelittlescones · 05/02/2025 20:14

Scentedjasmin · 05/02/2025 19:59

Well, it depends whether you need the money and how you spend it. I have 2 friends, who in my mind, are milking the system. One claims DBA because her child has ADHD, yet her child is in full time education and doesn't have any additional needs that, in my view, require extra money. She is taking tge kids to Disneyland with the money. Another friend has 2 kids who allegedly have Long Covid and she claims DLA for them as well as, I think, a carers allowance. She works and they are both in school, although often come home early, depending upon what subjects they have. It's worth noting that their 'long covid' doesn't interfere with their many clubs and activities in the evenings and they are fine going on days out to London or Alton Towers. The mother uses the money they get as 'treats' as it can be spent on anything. She gets around £7k a year. I simply do not understand how people can receive payments for 'disabilities' that do not actually result in additional financial hardship. It's mad! Meanwhile I know children with severe autism and disabilities who cannot get the support that they need in school. I have a third friend who's son is very autistic, requires one to one, needs speech therapy, has coordination issues and she has to fight for every bit of help and never gets any respite. You shouldn't just be given money to spend on whatever you fancy. That money should be taken away from families who don't need it and it should, instead he invested in services for those who really need it. It's an absolutely shitty system that squanders money than could be far far better spent on those who suffer severe disabilities and whom face genuine financial hardship. So, whether your friend feels justified really depends upon which camp you fall into.

I receive "disability benefits" because I have ADHD and anxiety. We receive over £2k a mo th in benefits in total and that doesn't include any housing costs because we have a mortgage. Nobody in our lives is aware that we claim these or that I even have these conditions. If they were asked by a third party if we claim benefits or have any disabilities or health conditions, I'm positive they would say absolutely not. We don't fit the typical mould of people who claim benefits never mind a substantial amount. People just see a family who are comfortable financially living in a fairly nice house etc. You don't know what people are dealing with behind closed doors. Also, these benefits are not easy to get. You have to jump through many hoops and have a lot of evidence. Most people seem to believe you can just say oh I have xyz and be handed a wad of cash every month.

As for not having additional financial costs relating to a health condition or disability therefore people shouldn't claim? I assume that's what you mean. Firstly, there are loads of costs that people who haven't experienced it just don't think of. Also, I personally had 2 premature babies on oxygen. I was entitled to claim high rate DLA and disabled child element for them both plus carers element and carers allowance. Did I incur additional financial costs associated with them being on oxygen? No, not particularly. But I was strongly encouraged to claim by various professionals so I did. The DLA forms do not ask about financial costs or impact, they ask about how the condition affects the child and those who care for them and then a decision is made based on that plus medical evidence. Nothing to do with finances.

XenoBitch · 05/02/2025 20:15

Andwhoisasking · 05/02/2025 20:08

Your friend shouldn’t worry. It’s exactly this anomaly Labour plan to fix when they cut welfare.

Edited

What are they going to cut?
Are they on about plunging parents of disabled kids in more poverty?

HellsBalls · 05/02/2025 20:16

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 05/02/2025 18:23

@HellsBalls the OP is obviously at home caring for a severely disabled child it is not watching tv it is just a different type of grafting , when you have a severely disabled child, childcare is impossible to find, even when in education it is not always full time, they can be off sick a lot and no one can take care of them . Holiday care is virtually non existent for disabled children and if you do find a club that will take them you often have to stay with them as they are not trained for the disablility.
then you have the sleepless nights that don't stop at 2-3 year olds , the worry of caring for a child well beyond 18 when the child maybe bigger and heavier than you but still needs help dressing etc but you can't actually lift them. wondering what will happen to them when you are too old or to ill to care for them and when you die who will advocate for them etc etc

At no point has the OP said her child is severely disabled, unless I missed it?

XenoBitch · 05/02/2025 20:18

HellsBalls · 05/02/2025 20:16

At no point has the OP said her child is severely disabled, unless I missed it?

Show quote history

She posted on another thread. Her kid gets DLA, and she gets CA.
That combo means a severe disability and the parent can not work.

MincePiesAndStilton · 05/02/2025 20:18

mumof1x99 · 05/02/2025 14:48

@AmpleRaven she's married but her husband is currently in prison

Tell her that the tax payer is also paying for him 🤷🏻‍♀️

bevm72yellow · 05/02/2025 20:19

Your benefits are leveling the field for you and your child to increase their chances in life. In most cases women without a qualification or minimal family/ parental support can end up in poor social circumstances. She is not comparing two similar situations. She is not genuine as a "friend"...she lacks empathy and understanding of your world. If she had to swap lives with you she may be less envious. Would she get joy if you were struggling in dire poverty? Would that make her feel better and she could say "poor you" and offer you a little of her money as charity? She will have money to put in a pension whereas you not working affects pension in the future.

HellsBalls · 05/02/2025 20:21

XenoBitch · 05/02/2025 20:18

She posted on another thread. Her kid gets DLA, and she gets CA.
That combo means a severe disability and the parent can not work.

Show quote history

Anyone asked how much the father contributes?

funinthesun19 · 05/02/2025 20:22

Ignoring you for a week because your child receives the disability benefits they are entitled to to help make their life that little bit easier?

So sick of these benefit bashers begrudging vulnerable people money “coz they work full time”! Makes my blood boil. It’s narcissistic behaviour.

XenoBitch · 05/02/2025 20:22

HellsBalls · 05/02/2025 20:21

Anyone asked how much the father contributes?

Show quote history

It does not matter, as it is not taken into account when calculating benefits.

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/02/2025 20:23

HellsBalls · 05/02/2025 20:21

Anyone asked how much the father contributes?

Show quote history

It's irrelevant because it doesn't matter in regards to DLA.

tellitonthemountains · 05/02/2025 20:24

She sounds like a prick.

mirrorglitterball · 05/02/2025 20:27

A lot of posters also don’t seem to realise that child DLA care element has different rates- low, medium and high. High rate is much harder to claim and you have to provide plenty of proof (backed by evidence from school or other professionals) that your child’s needs are severe and extensive enough to meet the criteria . Your child also has to have needs that require care day AND night to get high rate DLA.

Those who claim low-rate DLA are also not entitled to Carers Allowance.

So I take it with a massive pinch of salt when people insist they know mums raking in loads of money because their child ‘has
mild dyslexia and no other issues but she lied on the forms’

AcquadiP · 05/02/2025 20:28

No, you're not being reasonable. Your situation and hers are not comparable. I also think she was cheeky asking you to say what your income is because in my book it's none of her business. I have a policy of not disclosing my income to anyone other than my bank, if required. When it comes to money people can be weird!

torreli · 05/02/2025 20:30

tellitonthemountains · 05/02/2025 20:24

She sounds like a prick.

As do a lot of people on this thread. They seem to forget they're one accident or one mistake away from it being them.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2025 20:30

My child gets benefits and has a chronic illness that is life debilitating. I would much rather he was fit and well and able to work.

Your friend was wrong to ask you.

My child's benefits have been cut recently. I understand why but I feel sad for anyone living with a disability.

I'd just say learn that it is not good to tell others about money or benefits and if this ends your friendship, your friend is a dick.

AcquadiP · 05/02/2025 20:32

duh - not being unreasonable!

Original poster

mumof1x99 · 05/02/2025 20:32

@mirrorglitterball exactly this! My son gets both high rate care and mobility. Extremely hard to get those elements

OP posts:

Miley1967 · 05/02/2025 20:32

It wouldn't surprise me if we see cuts in disability benefits soon. They should start to base it on what actual costs people have, although I know this will never happen.