Best friend angry at my government benefits

[mumof1x99]

My best friend asked me a couple of times how much money I get on benefits (I get universal credit, carer's allowance, child benefit and DLA for my child)

We generally have a very open friendship but I avoided the question a couple of times because I felt a bit uncomfortable answering

She spun it in a way that her cousin was applying for DLA for her disabled child and wanted to know what extra she could get etc

I ended up telling her and now she's been ignoring me for a week. She said it was ridiculous that I get pretty much twice as much as her full time job etc

I understand the frustration but it's not my fault, I simply claim what's out there for me to claim. I'm a single mother to a disabled child

AIBU? How can I make this right?

I think it's appalling that people can be jealous of somebody having a disabled child on the basis that they might receive some additional benefits as part of meeting their additional costs and needs, personally.

OP shouldn't have to explain herself. And from experience, particularly on MN, when you explain why you can't work, people say you are making excuses and come up with all sorts of unsolicited "advice" (criticism basically).

What makes you think caring for a disabled child isn't work? Would you also say care home employees don't work? At least they get to go home at the end of their shift and have the option to go on leave or quit.

OP only gets that amount because she is a single parent and carer for a disabled child. The monthly amount for a single adult over 25 is £393.45. That doesn't include rent but includes all bills. It certainly isn't an amount that people in work would envy.

I had a so-called friend once describe the disability benefits I got as ‘jam’. I was speechless with rage. She was of course a lazy twat who bullied me about my disability.

Do what I did and cut contact with this person. She’s not your friend.

Is it OPs fault she has a disabled daughter?

She said it was after seeing that and presumably the positive comments she got she decided to post her own thread.

The circumstances of the op and friend in the other thread are nothing like the OPs. Is it really so hard to believe more than one person might have this issue with a friend

How is it appalling that people who have to claim benefits due to disability are given enough money to live on? Do you think they should be kept in poverty?

She is not your friend. Block her.

OP, I'm in sympathy with your situation but I think the old adage 'never discuss your finances with anyone but your nearest and dearest' rings true.

People shouldn't ask, but if they do, I deflect and generalise. If they push, I say 'That's my business!' or 'I'd rather not say'. This usually works. Remember - it's your personal business and no-one has a right to know the details. Real friends wouldn't ask, and certainly wouldn't push you on it!

I've seen a few threads recently where friends have fallen out because one has taken umbrage after finding out exactly how much the other is worth, or how much they earn.

@Glorybox2025 what? We're both 25. We've been friends since secondary school

It’s her issue not yours. I’m retraining and I am entitled to some uc, like you I get carers allowance and dla for my child. I would get more uc if I wasn’t a student and worked a low paid job. Part of my monthly spend is funded by my student loan. When I complete my training I can take an higher paid job so temporarily I’m receiving benefits. Every situation is different. She isn’t your friend but is judgemental. Plus it’s none of her business. Having a child with different needs is hard and misunderstood by many people not in that situation.

Thank you for all the advice and support. I'm not sure why me commenting another similar thread is such a bad thing if you think I'm the secret 48 year friend or you think it's a fake thread then that's up to you lol. Cheers for the nice ones and the support!

You don't need to make it right. You haven't done anything wrong. She doesn't understand because she can only see it through her own eyes and experience.

I used to work in a very senior role. Had I been able to stay in that profession I probably would be earning about £70k a year by now which is a very high wage in my region. I couldn't continue because I had a child with significant complex support needs. He has multiple diagnosed medical conditions which has made it impossible for me to continue in the career I had prior to having him. We also have had no family help for years because they all generally turned their back when ds was diagnosed.

I now receive DLA and carers allowance. DH works full time but hasn't been able to progress as well as he could have done because our child's needs have meant such huge demands on our family that certain things like studying for his next level of qualification for his role has been impossible. We have 2 younger children as well.

Leave her to it. She isn't your friend.

Agree with this.

You'd have to be quite the twunt to begrudge a disabled child.

She's looking at it from a purely financial position. If she were offered the chance to have one of her kids become disabled and give up her job she wouldn't take it.

Fuck her off, she's a nob.

Block and move on.

I can never understand the anger and sometimes jealousy towards those claiming money for having disabled kids.

If the money and life is so easy and luxurious then maybe consider adopting a child or 2 with disabilities and additional needs. I’d imagine those kids are some of the hardest to find families for. It won’t impact your life too much AND you get all that free cash! Win win.

I’ve got some pile on here! I’m only replying to your post as it’s the latest.

My post was about systemic failures. People on benefits should have enough to live on comfortably. FWIW, I actually believe that benefits should start at a full time NMW equivalent for someone who doesn’t have any other income. But I also don’t think that people in work should be worse off than people in receipt of benefits.

I have a disability myself so I’m aware of how the costs stack up for treatments which aren’t adequately supported by the NHS, not to mention the loss of earnings. I earn roughly 1/6 of what I earned 10 years ago because working FT in a senior role was no longer sustainable with my conditions.

It seems the OP here has conflated her income and her daughter’s income - so essentially comparing two incomes to her friend’s one. So the figures are slightly skewed.

Never talk to anyone about money is my motto. It is not up to x or y to judge if you 'deserve' it or not. That said it can be difficult when a person works hard & sees or hears that someone else is 'better off' (I use that term loosely) than them.

This.

An aside, I’ve never understood the concept of carers allowance being paid to a parent unless you are genuinely unable to work due to caring for a disabled person.

An acquaintance of mine receives carers allowance as she is classed as a carer for her son who has vision problems, and is in full time education. She could easily work during school hours but says “why should I go to work just to be £50 better off a month?”.

Surely being a parent, your role is to be your child’s caregiver - why does that need to be paid by the govt?

Never tell anyone your financial situation again

Well, it is wrong that anyone on benefits gets more than someone working full time, but that's one of the many faults in our benefit system. Of course having a disabled child involves extra costs though ... so not sure why she's so angry with you. She doesn't seem like a good friend

She will be getting Carer's Allowance because the DWP will have assessed her son as having a high level of need. CA is £81.90 a week. Hardly riches!

She doesn't sound much of a friend.

I don't know what your particular situation is, however once your child is an adult, you will most likely have to get a job and play catch up - save more acutely towards your pension. Or if you stay a full time carer to an adult child, you'll be severely limited in terms of personal/financial growth. Remind her of that! Carers don't have an easy life!