We have no bedroom and it's stressful

[Fishandchipsareyum]

Hello

We have a small 2 bedroom house and the girls each need a bedroom as they are both autistic and eldest is a pda and 7 years older than the youngest. The girls don't get on my eldest needs a lock on her door inside so her sister isn't allowed in. We are going to put a little latch on it for her.

We initially thought it was going to be ok, we bought an expensive sofa bed from ikea. It was hideous to sleep on so had to replace with a day bed that pulls out to a double but the sofa is in the way so it can't be moved to pull day bed out ( it's a tiny livingroom also) we have so much stress and we have no adult space and all my clothes are mostly in box's under the day bed. Husband sleeps on a mattress.

Guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has no adult bedroom because the children need a room each.

We can't afford to buy a bigger place. So we are stuck.

All that fits In the living room is the seating and the day bed ( single size pushed in) and a small unit for my things. Tv is on the inbuilt fireplace.

Youngest room is large but awkward so I'm not sure it could be split into 2. There is her bed and toys and books and I need to store towels and husbands clothes in her room.

I just can't help dread getting older in this place. I try and be positive but I feel quite down. I work 24/7 ( minus the sleeping tike lol) and I would have enjoyed a place to call my own bedroom for rest.

That sounds really cool, well done ! Thanks for the ideas too.

I feel for you op, my husband and I in were in a very similar situation, two girls,( one autistic, one boy, Asperger's) in a two bed cottage, girls shared one bed, boy had other, we slept in the small front room on a pull out sofa bed, so uncomfortable we ended up getting a proper mattress and " hiding" it upright behind sofabed during the day. Couldn't afford to move, just had to put up with it till two of them grew up and moved out,. More people in the same situation than you think, but we've chose to put our kids first, they probably don't realise, but your a great parent, you just have to keep reminding yourself why your doing it.

Thank you , very kind words and I appreciate this comment. You did amazing!

You are probably over occupying. You could apply for rehousing with your local council as you have two disabled children. Or to be assessed at least by your local council housing department?
They could potentially house you in a three bed property.

@BlueFlowers5 Not sure the OP is renting from the council and they won't be interested if she isn't.

Im also pretty certain a DFG will be a nonstarter as the children already have their own rooms, therefore their needs are adequately met and the parents are not disabled. Having been through the DFG process more times than most people have had hot dinners (long LONG story) I really doubt they'll fund a bedroom for the parents because sleeping in the living room is uncomfortable!

If they did... it'd be a pretty long wait to be assessed, grant applied for and then once agreed, work actually done and you can't do a THING toward the work once the process starts. The process can (as I have discovered) fall over at any point should literally anything change. There is also a means test, if theres two working parents its unlikely the work would qualify in full or possibly even partially.

I think splitting the biggest room is the only way forward and then have both of them in beds with desks/storage underneath. It’s an actual long term solution to a problem so as long as you can afford it then it’s the only way forward. Otherwise it will always boil down to you not having your own private space however many times you reconfigure it.

I would look at building regs, get three quotes for the window being changed and for the wall unless you think you can DIY the wall.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned splitting the big room with bunkbeds? Block the side to the other room. This means that the room only looses 1 single bed worth of floor space pin.it/5PUyVwxxT. Or www.facebook.com/share/r/1BdevXG78J/?mibextid=wwXIfr.

Yes, like people are suggesting a garden room which costs the same. But not as useful as not as attached to the house or suggestions of spending several thousands of pounds on specialist beds or dividing rooms which gives no extra space or boarding out attics and living up there which is unsafe. So yes, an extension that costs a quarter of what you would pay for a proper one could be an option.

Due to disability reasons, our living room is my bedroom, and we’ve had to turn the kitchen-diner into a kitchen-living room- which is weird and inappropriate so my bedroom ends up as the living room and dining room anyway.

Two of my 3 sons are autistic, one of them also is learning disabled and the other has a psychotic disorder. My other son, the eldest, has bipolar. Sharing rooms doesn’t work with them. So we have a 3 bed house but my “bedroom” is technically a 4th bedroom. It mostly works for us as I’m a wheelchair user and it saves me having to use the stairlift and allows me to kind of be a part of things even though I’m stuck in bed for weeks on end as a result of my own disabilities. I did share the room with my husband but I made him leave over a year ago due to abuse.

Which IKEA day bed do you have? I have the Hemnes (iirc) one. You can buy the mattresses cheaper on eBay, so I have two of them which creates a deep soft sofa, but also allows for a very large double bed when it pulls out. I’ve had no need for a sofa whilst having it. We bought it as we needed something to do the job of both. I’ve had it 9 years now and it’s still going strong.

Do you own or rent? If you rent, could you consider going on the housing list? You’d get points because of their disabilities and if you asked for an OT assessment at the start, they would include in their report that you need a 3 bed.

@BlueFlowers5

OP can't apply for a 3 bed social housing property, as she is not in rented housing. She and her partner own their home.

The council are not giving a 3 bed home to someone who already owns a perfectly adequate home.

Also, the 2 children are girls. 7 year age gap or not, they can share a bedroom. Forever.

OP has zero chance of getting a council house.

Right 😳

Do you have room to store your crystal ball ?

For gods sake DO NOT just put nice rugs down in the loft and sleep in it. There is a reason this sort of thing is a big no no from a building regs point of view. I can't believe people are even suggesting this.

Had you thought about a wall sofa bed? Used one of these in a studio apartment on holiday once. Was such a good use of a small space and the bed didn't need making up every night.
https://www.wallbed.co.uk/product/comfort-sofa-wallbed/

Does your DP work 24/7 too? If not, you might be entitled to benefits. If not (and if he’s physically able), he could put boards down in the loft (using Professor YouTube if necessary!)
I‘m currently painting all the walls in our house with Johnson’s Vintage White one coat emulsion (it’s brilliant and covers the ceilings, skirting boards and door frames too). It doesn’t give us more space, but it makes everywhere look bigger, so it’s psychologically less-cluttered and claustrophobic.

Ridiculous of you to give into your girls demands of seperate rooms when you two dont have a room.
Theyre both girls of nearby ages, having them share a room can teach them both to get along.

Have you seen the things online where people sort of board up bunk beds so it feels like 2 rooms? Maybe search bunk bed room divider. I don’t know if this would still be too close proximity for your oldest but if it feels private enough maybe it would.

Op I really feel you! Have you looked into a disability grant to possibly convert your loft? It may be a possibility as both your children have additional needs

Maybe ask mn if they will post a pic for you

once people can see the layout /plans more can be suggested

but sounds best the largest bedroom be split into 2 - both girls have a small room each with maybe a cabin bed to increase space /a desk /storage

and you and dh have the smaller bedroom

Is the living room big enough to divide in half to make two rooms and then use a bedroom as a living room?

I had four children in a three bed and when the eldest two - a boy and a girl - got to a certain again we divided the big bedroom in half so the three girls had that room with the eldest in her own space and then my son had the small room and I had the middle room. Not perfect as the bedrooms are pretty small but it worked OK.

I keep seeing posts about PDA how does affect your daughter day to day. or in general if anyone knows how does it manifest it’s self.

i think I would be tempted to spilt the bigger using bunk beds look on tiktok some people have done amazing things with one room and bunk beds for their children it looks like 2 separate rooms. Then you have smaller bedroom so you have your own space

PDA - Imagine sitting there thinking 'ooh I'd really love a bit of chocolate' and then someone says 'hey go get some chocolate' and your brain immediately slams down the shutters and says FUCK NO, NO CHOCOLATE, NEVER!! like a stroppy toddler.

Thats PDA. Only not every time and you don't know when or why, your brain will just jam on the brakes and refuse, with huge waves of fear/anxiety and an almost visceral FUCK NO response to whatever it is. Even if its something you were going to do (and often worse if it was, particularly if its something you've been psyching yourself up to do) or something you actively wanted to do.

It is hard to grasp with kids, as it looks exactly like a rude or lazy child refusing to do something and tbh, in adults much the same. Two people who both have it living together will have a pretty hard time of it!

@letthemeatcakes "Do you have room to store your crystal ball ?" Surely they just counted how many people currently lived in their house and counted how many rooms they had?! No crystal ball necessary.

thank you for the explanation, how is that manageable in later life to conform with the rules and expectations of society for example working or having relationships as adults?

please note this isn’t meant as insult or insensitivity I am interested and want to learn more. If for example you asked a child to wash their hands they refuse due to PDA however you make said child wash their hands does the brain come to see that is not harmful and therefore is no need for refusal? For example needle phobic needs an injection has to have it but after having can see that there was no need for the external reaction. That’s obviously simplified, just curious about how it can managed when it’s things someone can’t say no to.