Was I rude? (Being told to smile)

[ElevenBells]

Out shopping with DD 8 and waiting in the self checkout queue. Just waiting quietly with DD stood slightly behind me when I spot a man saying something to her. Didn’t quite catch what he said so turned round and DD was looking up at me a bit embarrassed.
Then I heard the man say something a long the lines of ‘go on let’s have a smile then’. I didn’t address him but said to DD ‘you don’t have to smile because a strange man tells you to, just ignore him’. Then went to scan my shopping.
A woman near him commented to him how rude I was. And he responded with something like ‘no wonder the kids that way if she has a mother like that’. As we left the shop DD said I embarrassed her. Feel bad now but I remember being a quiet kid like DD and putting up with requests to smile because apparently little girls need to have a constant grin plastered across their face. Did I overdo it? DD seems to think I did but tbh I’d have liked to say more.

It’s not your job to pacify shallow, creepy men. Good on you, OP.

I beg to disagree. People like him need to realise that it’s just not on to make such remarks to strangers. Let’s hope he’ll think twice next time.

Perhaps 'some strange man' was a bit rude, but if replace it with 'somebody' and what you said was perfect. DD does not have to smile because somebody tells her to.

"Darling, nice men don't demand women smile at their jokes to make them feel important and valued; and nice men don't undermine their mothers to make themselves feel better"

I am impressed! Well done. Your daughter will understand one day.

What's wrong with 'a bit rude?'

Women are socially conditioned to soften the blow, to be nice, to be polite, to be kind - no matter that we haven't solicited the company, comments or interactions of these male strangers. It normally happens that they were the ones to approach us, not the other way round.

I see no reason to sugar-coat our very valid objections to this. And of course they get nasty. It goes with the territory, and tends to suggest that our instincts not to speak to them in the first place were spot on.

Women to not have to encourage this behaviour, or 'Be Kind' in the face of it. We are entitled to reserve the right to go about our business in peace.

Not much to ask, is it? Yet even this is apparently too much.

If she'd said it the day it happened that would be one thing, but going over to him the next day was unhinged.

That’s interesting, I asked DP what he would have done and he said he’d have probably said nothing. But I can’t imagine him ever being in that position.

well done you! Your DD should know she isn’t there to smile for me strange or otherwise. The woman and him would have got a short sharp and very rude fuck off from me.

Good for you.

it annoys me when people say that. They have no idea what’s going on in someone’s life or how their resting face it and no right to make any comment

A manager at work said that I would be much more attractive if I smiled. I said that he would be more attractive set on fire after being set about by a baseball bat. He was affronted. Bless him. HR, eventually, said that he was making sexist comments and to pack it in. It wasn’t quite that simple and there was a to-do where I refused to back down.

We women do not have to smile at the whim of a bloke. We don’t need to put up with creepy behaviour either. You called him out. Well done for setting such an excellent example.
Shame on that woman for saying you were rude. You were magnificently rude and I am proud of you.

Nice response, OP.

Your daughter does not exist to please random men and their whims.

Happened to me a lot as a young woman. One day I snapped and said (truthfully) my Dad has just died. That shut the fuckers up.

Good for you, OP!

What kind of oddball says that to a little girl?! Someone needs to check his hard drive.

Absolutely, I mean there's always a place for one person to demand another do something with their body to please them isn't there?!
Especially when it's men directed towards young girls. And then dress it up as being kind to encourage acceptance.

That is of course sarcasm. The man may have genuinely meant no harm, however if we're teaching children to have agency over their own bodies so they know other people shouldn't demand things of them they're not comfortable with, then it needs to be consistent.

I have told more than one man person that's told me to cheer up that I'm the one that gets to decide how my face looks, because it's my face.

If you're so determined that they're miserable/annoyed/whatever then why would you even approach a complete stranger with any sort of comment? You're unlikely to get a good response from someone in a mood are you?
.

You were rude

Well, you're doing better than me, OP.

The last time a man told me to smile, I told him to fuck off 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think you overreacted, reading that gave me the creeps - Stranger Danger and all that. If the man wanted to chat to your daughter, there are 101 ways he could have engaged her in conversation without demanding a smile.

The word 'unhinged' says a great deal.

But not about that particular poster.

Good for you for standing up to BS sexism!

Pinching this. Brilliant 👍🏻

https://www.facebook.com/reel/476056298705246?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

I saw this this morning. Love it.

of COURSE she was embarrassed. Doesn't mean you were wrong. Our children are embarassed by the fact that we exist... but trust me, they'll remember and appreicate it later.

If it's any consolation, if I'd been there I'd have backed you loudly and vocally.

I remember being a teen and hating it when old men said this as i felt there was something wrong with my face! I didn't get creepy vibes from it though.

So why is it that so many men say this to girls? I'm interested to know what you all think. I personally think it's one of those stock phrases that the older generation of men use without giving it much thought about it's impact and the misogyny behind it, or am I being naive and is it far more nefarious?

I wonder if you could have said something a little less confrontational but still put your point across. For example ‘ DD I think your facial expression is perfect just the way it is’ and smile broadly. Then you still sorted it without allowing the man to assume you are at fault.

Well done! You were not rude at all. You behaved in an entirely appropriate way, and you taught your daughter she doesn't have to put up with that sort of shit. It is, and always has been, completely unacceptable for men to tell women to smile simply for their own benefit.

I would have been tempted to say something to the guy directly (but probably wouldn't if I had a child with me), and to question the woman with him why she thought it was acceptable for a strange man to be so interested in an 8 year old girl. No doubt you already do discuss this with your DD but, if not, I'd start having conversations with her about the fact that women aren't put on earth to please men and it's not her job to make men feel comfortable by letting them get away with harassment.