Was I rude? (Being told to smile)

[ElevenBells]

Out shopping with DD 8 and waiting in the self checkout queue. Just waiting quietly with DD stood slightly behind me when I spot a man saying something to her. Didn’t quite catch what he said so turned round and DD was looking up at me a bit embarrassed.
Then I heard the man say something a long the lines of ‘go on let’s have a smile then’. I didn’t address him but said to DD ‘you don’t have to smile because a strange man tells you to, just ignore him’. Then went to scan my shopping.
A woman near him commented to him how rude I was. And he responded with something like ‘no wonder the kids that way if she has a mother like that’. As we left the shop DD said I embarrassed her. Feel bad now but I remember being a quiet kid like DD and putting up with requests to smile because apparently little girls need to have a constant grin plastered across their face. Did I overdo it? DD seems to think I did but tbh I’d have liked to say more.

So an unknown person (strange man!) tried to tell your young daughter to smile at him?

As PPs say, he probably doesn't say that to young boys and their dads/mums. Nor would he say it to a young girl with her dad, I reckon.

You've done a great job of helping her learn to avoid creepy people (strangers).

To my mind, being told by a stranger to smile positively demands rudeness. On this occasion I would have applauded you even if you had been rude. IMO, you were not. You were direct.

Experiencing directness as rudeness tends to be borne of misogyny, as it's rarely interpreted that way from a man. I don't doubt that had your DD been with her father, the strange bloke would not have said it.

Don't for one minute doubt yourself because he managed to coopt an equally misogynistic bystander to criticise you in such personal terms. Utterly sick of this pathetic attitude from male strangers, not to mention the handmaidens apparently intent on doing the work of the patriarchy for it.

You're setting exactly the right example for your daughter.

I think that it depends on what he said to her. You missed the whole of the conversation. Sometimes it is nice to speak to strangers. He might have thought that she was bored and that he was being kind.

What first line of conversation would make it okay for him to then say ‘go on let’s have a smile then’?

Too bloody right.
We don’t have to be polite to creepy men. Fuck them. Fuck that.

Please. Give your head a wobble.

Wow that was so unnecessary on your part. Ignoring him was sufficient but to go back confronting him the next day is quite embarrassing 😳

YANBU. I have sons, now teenagers, and nobody, not one single person, has ever told them to smile.

Your daughter was embarrassed because she's had 8 years of propaganda telling her that women are supposed to be nice and pliant - not from you but from society generally. In the long term, she'll know that you've done her a favour.

Not rude at all.
The man was rude! Creep.

I knew it would be a man.

Then perhaps he could have done some magic tricks, or performed a Shakespearean sonnet to alleviate her boredom.

I wonder how many men he told to smile while he was waiting?

Why TF is some random man telling your daughter (a child) to smile for & then some nosey jobsworth chips in too 🙄. You were completely in the right. What a pair of twots…

I agree with you 100%.
Does he go round telling 6 foot 4, built like a brick s* house rugby player types to ‘give us a smile?’ No thought not.

Not at all. Good for her.

The first day, her day was interrupted by this man's rude entitlement. Sometimes when we're put on the spot, we don't tell the fucker what's what. It's good that he got it pointed out to him the next day and maybe he learned to stop treating women as decorations to perform for him and make his day seem brighter.

You're entitled to your opinion as I am mine!

I think she made a fool of herself, but each to their own.

I think she made a very valid and necessary point.

Go you OP. He was inappropriate and you told him so. Your daughter will know this as she gets older. Keep it up 💪🏻☺️

Men like that pick on young girls and women and think they can get away with it, good for you for telling him!

I’ve always hated it when men said that, but even moreso after I happened to me when I was rushing home to see my dear Grandad before he passed away (I didn’t make it). Well done for standing up for your daughter and teaching her that she doesn’t have to smile for random men, and shame on that woman for standing up for him.

Exactly! They never tell little boys or teen boys to smile! Well done OP.

You weren’t rude.

While I would try to respect my daughter’s feelings about the incident, I would also be having a chat with her about society’s expectations of women and girls and the effects of internalised misogyny and baseless respect for elders. The man embarrassed her, you just stated a fact.

It doesn't matter what he thought. He demanded a smile. That's totally unnecessary and creepy. If he wanted a conversation there are literally hundreds of other ways to start one. The fact that a grown man is asking a pre-teen to smile smacks of creepy vibes.

Well done OP!

If there is a next time stare them in the eye and say 'I bring my dd to understand she doesn't have to do anything just because a man tells her to. Especially not a much older man who she doesn't know. Ya know, for obvious safeguarding reasons' and leave them feeling embarrassed at what you think they might be.

More to the point he wouldn’t have said it to an eight year old boy.