Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village.

It sounds like this is why she's invited then. They don't want a fuss, she's very close (physically), so she can be a witness.

She's having none of her children there though? Her partner is having all of his children there.

If she's that tight, is any of this really that much of a surprise?

What kind of restaurant forbids children under 14?

Even the Savoy allows children in their restaurants.

@Candlemascandy I've not read every post but have you actually talked to your mum and said what you have posted here?

Does she know you'd love to be there?

IMO I'd say you should be invited but the children shouldn't go if it's purely a tiny wedding to make their relationship formal for inheritance reasons.

Is there no compromise such as this?

And that’s it isn’t it? The covert message here is ‘we don’t think it’s important for you to be there ergo you’re not important’
And that’s why this is hurtful. Not sure why that makes me insane.

Is this whole kerfuffle actually about your jealousy of your mother’s partner’s daughter? Otherwise, your determination to make something your mother doesn’t want happen is inexplicable.

So have you replied to that and said it matters to you and you'd love to be there, with a minimum of fuss?

They've been together a long time. This is about estate planning, not getting married. Not everyone wants a celebration. If they had wanted a family wedding, they would have organised one. Perhaps you are being excluded because they feel you might try to turn the event into a proper wedding day, which they don't want. My husband and I got married quietly on our own without any immediate family because that was what we wanted. You need to respect their choice.

Because that’s not the message. The message is “our marriage is not about you please respect our wishes”

but your insistence to insert yourself into this situation, make it about you and wallow in a river full of self pity for no apparent reason, is in fact batshit.

I don't think a woman in her 40s or older is really going to want to be referred to as a step sister.

Sorry. This is two elderly people getting married. 2nd time around. The 'legal' relationships between their children from previous marriages isn't that important.

You're jealous and put out OP.
Tell your Mum that/

Your mother has decided to marry her partner because legally they have realised it's better to do this for inheritance purposes. Your mother does not want a big family day and that's her decision to make. I know a lot of wemon around your mother's age and they don't want fuss.
She may not want to draw attention to the fact she is getting married and having friends and family members expecting to be asked to this.

I would just accept that she does not want you there. I would advise her to make a new will after she gets married and get legal advice regarding the house and potential care costs later for either of them.

After this you can decide if you want to bring them both out for a meal a few days after the wedding. I would also decide what your able to do care wise if she needs care in the future.
She can't expect you to drop all if she needs full time care in the future.

One friend of mine has ended up caring for 1 parent after they had a bad fall for a number of weeks. Her siblings have done the bare minimum. As a result of this my friend is making plans to not be as available in the future.

I initially posted saying I felt it was unfair that all the children of the couple weren’t being treated equally, but I think it’s fine to draw the line at all children are invited, but not grandchildren. I don’t think it’s a difficult concept to explain to a teenager that granny is getting married in a very small wedding, and it’s an adult only event.

Deaf means can't hear, not lack capacity

I am sorry but you and your sister and six kids between you with also DH x 2 in tow is a circus. It just changes the dynamic of the event.

Like it or not you will all be a traveling circus with millions of questions about -

•   logistics (what time are we doing x? Shall we have a wedding rehearsal dinner as we are all up here?)
  

• restaurants (but my DC are too young for that one!!)
• photos (we want pics to remember this by when you are dead! One with just me. One with me and sis. One with all my DC. One with my sister's DC. One with all the DC etc)
• Drinks (have you got champagne planned? What's the wine list? What can my DC drink??)
• Food (DSis is gluten free! I am vegan!
• Claims of unfairness and favouritism (why his DC and not me as witness??).

Roll up roll up

That wasn’t the ask. The original question was about taking the older two and not the younger one. Then was told it was easy to do. It isn’t. And imagine being the youngest, sent off to stay with friends whilst everyone else goes to the wedding meal overnight without you. What does that tell you about how much your Granny thinks of you, let alone your own parents.

Leaving all three means my DH not coming either.

it’s a moot point anyway since the invitation to the meal has not been extended to us.

Could you not leave all your kids at home and suggest adults only? You pay for you and yout other half, your sister does the same? No kids

It’s not any kind of covert message. Your mother has clearly communicated that she wants to sign a legal document to make death and inheritance more straightforward in as stripped down a way as possible. It’s not any kind important occasion for her. She doesn’t want people travelling long distances and taking family photos and turning it into an important occasion, therefore she’s chosen the simplest, most inexpensive option by having someone close to hand as witnesses.

I’d be upset. In my view it’s none of the children or all of the children. I don’t think there’s much you can do, just take a step back as she’s upsetting you. Yes it’s a legality but I would be upset in the circumstances that the step sister is going. I would just try and remove yourself from the conversation if you can. You can’t control other people, only yourself.

Similar situation with my mum a few years ago. They told us a couple of months after the “event”. Registry office, 2 friends as witnesses then back home to get in with daily life.

I was pleased: everything became much more straightforward for everyone. I don’t get why you can’t just be happy that it’s all settled.

The covert message here is ‘we don’t think it’s important for you to be there ergo you’re not important’

No, the OVERT message is "we don't want this to be anything much and you want yourself, your sister and the grandchildren to attend."

It's your insistence that it is a significant event. You want to involve about 8 or 9 other people (you, your partner, your three children, your sister, her partner and her children) on a term-time Saturday.

There's nothing about whether you are important or unimportant. It's that the ceremony is unimportant - a legal necessity. She can still love the very bones fo you and your sister, value you immensely and adore her grandchildren. That has no bearing on her popping to the registry office.

You are insisting on trying to make it A Thing, so they are doing it without you, with the daughter around the corner and a meal in a pub that doesn't serve children.

What would hurt is that HIS child and their partner is invited but not your side... it sends a very clear message.

I fully understand eloping but drawing a line like that between children is just a shitty and cold thing to do. Its nothing to do with outfits and gifts (doesn't sound like that kind of wedding) it that they prioritized his side only. Her husband is more important to attend than you or your sister.

If it really doesn't matter and is just a paper contract then why not a stranger to witness (which is actually pretty common in this style of wedding, true elopements don't tell anyone) and why the meal afterward to celebrate etc...

Its hard as a basic wedding only includes 2 witnesses and theres 3 of you that should really be treat equally, this is not the way to do it.

You seem to be missing the point.

This is a small wedding - more a formality.
If You really want to go, work on that with your Mum.
You are a grown up and presumably you can get yourself there alone? I drive 5 hours on my own to see parents.

There really is no need to drag your kids along.
I do though find it hard to understand how a venue can forbid under-14s.
Is it a pub?

we don’t think it’s important for you to be there ergo you’re not important

With my new step sister. Sounds cosy.

Can you not see how self-absorbed this is?? I revert to my teenage strop message. I simply cannot believe a grown woman can say these things seriously.

I have a sneaky suspicion that even at 81 bloody years old, looking mortality right in the face, your Mum STILL has to manage her child.

I work in a register office building (different public facing service, same foyer) and several of my colleagues have been asked to be witnesses at tiny weddings in the last few years. I also know two people who did this at their wedding, one about six years ago and one nearer 12.

According to one of the registrars you need to give the names of two witnesses in advance, but if you have different people on the day you just inform the registrar, so two randoms would still be allowed as long as they have a good command of English.

(more info (not where I work) for those like me who are weirdly fascinated by the idea www.norfolk.gov.uk/article/42580/Witnesses-for-marriages-and-civil-partnerships)

Why is it his daughter and husband thats witness not her and her sister if it doesn't matter to them but is actively hurting her kids to be left out?

Why the meal afterwards with the witnesses if its a non event that doesn't matter?