Elderly mum getting married and won’t invite us

[Candlemascandy]

My mum and her partner are 81. They have realised that after living together in a house they bought together 30 years ago that they need to get married to make financial things easier when the inevitable happens. They realised this about a year ago and set out to get it sorted asap. They started off with the idea of a small family wedding at a registry office with me, my sister, her partner’s daughter and our spouses and children etc. However, they have made it clear that they do not want to spend any money on this event, basically because they are tight and think paying for anyone else to have a ‘nice time’ is not their responsibility.
So as the planning has gone on and a year has gone by, the wedding idea has been reduced to just partner’s daughter and husband as witnesses so they can do it for under £100. Me and my sister and our spouses and kids are not invited. They are going for a meal afterwards. Also not invited to that as they have picked a pub where under 14s aren’t allowed.
Wedding was planned for early January but then my mum got pneumonia. We dropped everything and rushed up to see her in hospital etc etc. They live about 200 miles away. Partner’s daughter lives in next village. She was unavailable to help out with care because her husband was ‘poorly’. So all the stress fell on me and my sister and husbands. Trying to work full time, manage the distance and 3 kids each. Not much fun.
Mum is now better. Wedding has now been rescheduled for April. We are not invited, they are still sticking to original plan.
I’m really hurt by this. I feel like at a fundamental level my mum is telling us that we are not important to her.
Others I speak to keep saying ‘oh look on the bright side. You won’t need to pay for petrol, outfits, hotels, wedding gifts etc etc’ but I don’t see it like that. It’s a big life event and it’s one to celebrate. Not to be morbid, but it’s unlikely that we will be having another big family event like this with them both there. I feel like when the Saturday of the wedding comes, and we are not there people will say ‘Why aren’t you going to your Mum’s wedding?’ And the horrible answer is ‘we weren’t invited because we cost too much’.
AIBU to think that it’s normal to invite your daughters to your wedding when you can afford it and there is no other reason not to (like a big falling out)?

Not everybody sees a wedding as a big, fancy occasion. Not everybody wants to have loads of people there. Not everybody even enjoys weddings! If they want a quiet wedding with the minimum of fuss and expense, be nice and accept that graciously.

Restaurants do not often forbid under 14s.

Even the Savoy accepts babies!

My mum wanted things as simple as possible when she married my step dad.
Me and my DH were the witnesses, I picked her a rose from my garden to wear, we went to the local register office, then we just went home.

I'm not sure she even told my brothers, it was just what she wanted. her marriage, her choice.

The problem is the OP sees the partner's daughter being there and is jealous and upset.

I understand why you feel very hurt. I would feel the same.

A fair bit younger than your mother , but we are doing this in the next few months .
I'm surprised it's only costing £100 as even the most simple ceremony around this way is closer to £200 excluding the certificates.
We are having the simplest ceremony available and it's probably the same as your mothers .
No guests are allowed , just two witnesses , no music , no photographer . You don't even have to exchange rings.
You have simplified words to repeat and that's it .

From her point of view, it's a formality. You wanting to be there would be like my mum getting offended that I didn't invite her around to mine for a party last week when I submitted my tax return, or wanting to come to the Post Office with me while I sort out renewing my driving licence.

Certainly my register office in London in 2012 said they would no longer permit their office staff to act as witnesses. Apparently it happened a lot and office staff were getting taken away from their actual jobs a lot. And they also said they would not be able to wait for us if we were trying to get someone in off the street. Their strong advice was to bring our own witnesses with us. I have no memory of whether we gave their names in advance. I suspect not, but we did absolutely choose two currently unemployed friends available at short notice the middle of the day. Not because we preferred them to our friends and family but because they were nearby, available, and could be relied upon not to turn it into a big occasion.

Look OP, I understand why you’re hurt. Sorry if my messages were a bit off. I just think you are taking this the wrong way and are making it about yourself without realising.

You need to understand this isn’t a big life event like you class a wedding as. It’s your 81 year old mum deciding to get a piece of paper signed for financial ease once the inevitable happens.

It makes sense for them to invite step sis as she lives nearby, can sign the papers as witness and go for dinner after.

You are right, they just don’t want the effort and what not of you, the kids, your sister and partners coming down to celebrate something that isn’t that sentimental to them.

I can understand your hurt but asking all the grandkids and in-laws changes the day entirely. Can you not just explain how you feel, say that you and your sister would like to go and leave your husband and kids at home. Offer to pay for lunch as a wedding present.

I’d be very hurt too, OP. Like you say it’d be different if they were doing it just them with two friends. But they are making one child more important than the other two here, despite the proximity. I’d be pulling right back for any support needed as she obviously doesn’t care about your feelings. Could you ask the question of whether you and your sister can join for the meal without your families and see what reaction you get? I’d be interested to know what she says.

I know. I didn’t believe them at first, I thought they were just saying it to justify not inviting us. But I double checked with the restaurant and they confirmed they have a strict no under 14s rule. And it’s the only restaurant they want to go to.

I understand and I would feel the same.
If they just wanted it for a legal perspective then why not just ask some friends to witness and then forgo the meal.
To me it does seem like they are picking one child over the other which isn't fair, especially as you have expressed wanting to be there despite being further away.

How old is your youngest and is there any way if you spoke to the restaurant they would make an exception?

Sounds like she wants a non event, just get a piece of paper ‘marriage’. Following this is going for dinner.

I think you are projecting more onto this than there is. It’s not really a wedding celebration.

Then why bother with a meal?

OP, looks like there isn't a lot you can do about this "wedding". Many a bridezilla have their wedding exactly their way without regard to what anybody else think or feel so this isn't new. I understand you feel they have used and then ditched you, so in retaliation, you might tell them not to expect you to turn up for the next emergency seeing that you are not invited to the jolly. It's up to you if you actually go through with the threat going forward but at least it will give your mum and stepdad some food for thoughts. You might feel better then, I know I would!

But why invite the stepdaughter if it’s just about the paper? Just get randoms or a friend to avoid any close family being left out… The mum is out of order in my opinion.

So many miserable, and quite nasty buggers on this thread @Candlemascandy, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

I don't think anyone who has a "normal" relationship with their parent wouldn't be ever so slightly put out by this situation - I know I would be, and I'm generally the type that doesn't enjoy weddings much at all.

She's your mum. And you're being excluded, they say for financial reasons but are then including her partner's child. It might also be just to tie up those loose ends before the inevitable happens - but I'm sure it's sowing those seeds of "are we even going to be remembered in mum's will?".

I think the best you can do is tell her that you're hurt you're not invited, that you want to come and will cover your own costs as it's important to you that you're there.

Unlike the miseries I don't think it's wrong to be honest and open with your own mum that it is important to you.

@TopshopCropTop Because that’s not the message. The message is “our marriage is not about you please respect our wishes”

This isn't the marriage. This is a wedding a singular, one time event. This has the potential to really impact the rest of OP's mum's life, when the hurt this will cause comes back to bite her.

Either it's completely unimportant and any Joe Shmoe can be used as a witness and no celebrations afterward, or there is an element of important hence why one child of three has been included and a nice meal will happen afterwards. Why even tell anyone if it's not important?!

Seriously some of you. It's not out of order to be upset when you're excluded from a life event of your parent. No wonder so many people are feeling so isolated and lonely these days when the advice they're getting is that nothing is their business and that they don't have the right to have feelings about their own family.

Witness - Because they live around the corner so it's quick, easy and no big deal.
Meal - Because when someone does you a favour like going to council offices to witness you swear an oath and sign some documents, it's pretty common to get them lunch.
No under 14s - many of the pubs around here have a No Under 12s rule after 6:30, and some are all day. Not all places with food want to pitch themselves as family venues.

I'm sure the mum and partner eat out with his daughter quite often without the OP being there, because they live nearby. My dad treats my brother and SIL regularly and I don't sulk because I'm 200 miles away.

This all stems from the OP insisting this marriage ceremony is "a happy event" or a significant life event. It isn't.Her mum and partner have chosen for it not to be, but she won't accept this.

That is very odd.

You could go to any Michelin starred restaurant in London with a child under 14. Maybe not a babe in arms but well behaved younger children.

Who does this restaurant think they are?

It’s not that though.
It’s not a child free wedding
We aren’t invited to the ceremony and as they have chosen a restaurant that doesn’t allow under 14s, the two grandchildren who are under 14 couldn’t attend. So the decision is not to invite us at all.

Is this the reason you aren't invited or is it because they just want a meal with their witnesses?

So in this instance, your mum didn't tell you all about it and then let you know you were excluded?

Not quite the same is it.